literature

Frolicing Doe In The Woods

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Literature Text

Doe frolics through woods,
Leaping skyward, dignified,
Painting the cool wind.
A haiku about nature for :iconakarra:'s new contest.

You can find the rules for the contest here![link] I really think you should check it out! This is a great opportunity to help the writers of DA to gain some recognition!
Published:
© 2012 - 2021 Love-the-peace
Comments10
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jwang5011's avatar
Beautiful!! <3
Love-the-peace's avatar
Thank you very much (:
akarra's avatar
Holy - this is really, really good. When I was younger, there was no way I could have written this. The equation of "leaping" with "painting" is the big idea. To what degree is our perception of nature's beauty the result of us acting in it? The doe's leaping is not necessarily a personification, but it can be taken in relation to us...
Love-the-peace's avatar
Thank you very much!^-^
akarra's avatar
Yeah, keep it up. In fact, this is good enough that I'll offer substantial criticism: "beauty and grace" might be a bit cliche.

I'm not saying this because your work is bad. Far from it. It's good and to get to the next level you need to make every word count. I fail at this myself quite a lot of the time. "Through woods" works because it contrasts/complements "wind" (wind cuts through everything; does a deer cut through woods the same way)?

If you can make that second line stronger, definitely try submitting for publication somewhere.
Love-the-peace's avatar
Thank you very much for the advice!I cannot express how thankful I am that someone thinks its this good! After reading your criticism and taking it all in I decided to change the second line from

"Leaping with beauty and grace"
to
"Leaping with great dignity"

I don't know if that's any better but I felt that it put a lot more power into it.I hope it improved the poem.
akarra's avatar
Try to be more specific than "dignity," although dignity is an improvement. Animals can definitely have something akin to pride. And the idea behind beauty and grace isn't bad - it does make me wonder what we see in nature.

"Leaping, graceful muscles tense" would be the second line I use.
Love-the-peace's avatar
hmmm (haha I'm really wracking my brain on this one haha I really want to improve it)

what would you you think if I change it to

Doe frolics through woods,
Leaping skyward, dignified,
Painting the cool wind.

This seems to make the second line a little more descriptive but still gives it the kind of air i was originally trying to pull off

(sorry about taking up your time for this!>.< )
akarra's avatar
It's fine. This is the sort of thing that should be happening on dA all the time - you get taken seriously as an artist and get critical feedback you need.

I think it can work. At some point you need to be exactly aware of what you want to convey, and then you're aware of how it is ambiguous.

Alright. Next big task: everybody and their mother needs to participate in this contest.
Love-the-peace's avatar
Haha well thanks again!

When I wrote it about a doe I was thinking of how when you are in the woods and you see that flash of color as they run and leap over the debris.It's one of those moments that come and go in seconds >.<

I will definetly be spreading the word to as many people as I can (:
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