I believe I have a nasty habit of chasing my friends away. These people I really care about and I think I get a little too intense and a tad snappy for them to be able to cope with me. It takes a lot for me to like and trust people and I try my best to behave appropriately, but when I do land friends (usually when I'm not trying) I don't stay on their radar long enough to be missed. Am I missed or do I just fade away and become part of the background? I have never really and truly understood friendship. I always thought that when you make a friend that one forgives their quirks, that one shares their time and ideas, that one stick around as much as they can for them. There are those friendships where one touches base now and then, they are the least complicated, they don't get into the nitty gritty about the deep down feelings and thoughts, but the strong friendships where one trusts others enough to see ones true self can be pretty hard to maintain. I sometimes believe that I have reached this level with people before they back-peddle furiously to get away or they just pain and simple drop off the radar, now and again surfacing to check to see if I still have a pulse. Friendship is a touchy subject and sometimes where there is a bare mention of the word people scatter, It's as if they don't believe some people are genuine. When people approach me and say that they are my friend they should be assured that when they have earned my friendship they have scored a friend for life, and they can be sure that I wouldn't mind giving them the of gift. Although I'm kind and generous, I am not stupid. I won't tolerate being used. When I draw for people, which I rarely do, It means I am genuinely fond of that person. Am I scaring you yet?
I think sometimes that people forget I even exist, I just get dropped by the wayside in favor of a never and fresher model. Isn't it a great kick in the guts when a person you are fond of doesn't think the same of you, I mean this in a platonic way. I don't care about gender, I care about substance. Anyone who can engage in an intellectual or lengthily conversation with me is bound to wind up in my good books. There are days though when I'm not firing on all cylinders but that's because I've either had a big day or I'm ill, I really hate it when I'm like this because I find it difficult to construct my sentences in an efficient manner.
I will say that I've become colder and more reserved especially with new people because I have placed my trust in a couple of people only for them to ditch me or completely drop off the radar. It doesn't mean that I am not open to new friendships, it's just I'm a little more discerning and careful.
One thing's for sure, I do not deal with people all too well but I do take into careful consideration of what I say so I do not offend the and maybe, just maybe, I can make new friends or keep old ones without chasing them off.
Those if you who are my friends, just bear with me, I have good days and bad days just like everybody else, and thank you for sticking around. I'm not an easy person to know byt I do my best to understand others and treat them with respect. Maybe you can teach this supercomputer a thing or two about friendship because at times I don't have a clue.