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how to become a writer

Daily Deviation
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have parents that separate
when you’re in high school;
a father filled with unused anger
and a mother too busy to care.

pretend it doesn’t hurt.

let your friends treat you
      like dirt;

      after all,
everything is your fault.

listen to their problems with a fake smile
all the while crying out because
everything hurts and no one can see.

press a knife to your skin,
but be too cowardly to
draw your own blood.

fall in love with people
who could never notice you,
because you’re

                just. not. good.

                enough.

chew on the multicolored
strands of your hair.

      (you can’t stop running
      from who you really are.)

carry around a notebook
and scrawl every thought in it
with unreadable handwriting.

      s
      t
      a
      c
      k

filled notebooks in a corner
      to be forgotten.

expel dust from your lungs as you
breathe in bitterness and regret.

don’t say a word when
your father yells at you,
tells you that you’re
not good enough.

believe him.

grab that knife again.

press

it

to

your

skin.


d                r                a                g.


your soul pouring out
through your wrists.

do it again.
      and again.
             and again.

never stop.

tell yourself that no one
could ever really love you.
                because it’s true.

pick up the shattered fragments
of your heart when you
don’t listen to yourself.

scatter the pieces of your soul
just so you can find them again.

run away from home,
telling yourself that
you’ll never go back
      only
to return weeks later

              because life is harder than it seems.

stare into empty eyes every morning.
curl around yourself, sobbing, in the shower.

sleep whenever you can
because
dreams are so much easier.

stop sleeping
because
dreams turn to nightmares.

and the nightmares
are your reality.

wake up crying
to stifle the tears.
              no one can help.

make a bucket list of things
you’ll never do because
you can’t even make yourself
get out of bed each morning.

let your depression press
the pause button on your life.
      listen.
because it laughs at you
as you watch the world go on

without you.

keep fitting your battle mask on,

      every day,

because without it,
people will see that you care

      too much.
I'm sorry this is so long, but *intricately-ordinary told me to try, so I did. Blame her. :giggle:
This is a very, very personal poem. I guess it's the truth that I've found so hard to say.
Sorry.

EDIT: Thank you so much to *homunculus888 for suggesting this and to ^star-blazer for featuring this! I never thought I would get a second DD, but I am honored and very excited. :heart:

:iconglory-be-project:
Published:
© 2013 - 2020 lion-essrampant
Comments533
anonymous's avatar
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BDancinJones's avatar
BDancinJonesHobbyist Writer
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

I feel like a better title for this would be, "How to Become a Depressive." Personally, as a writer, I can say that none of that abuse is necessary to become a writer, but this variation in our personal motivations is of little consequence to the piece, so that is all I'll say on it.

There was a lot of intrigue and depth to this poem; the physical structure of the words "stack" and "drag" supplements the words themselves to create imagery, but a lot of the other placement, in the form of line and stanza breaks, became confusing and, at times, jarring; they exist, however, side by side with places where the line breaks were excellently executed. In the first stanza, for example, the lines, "a father filled with unused anger / and a mother who's too / busy to care," highlight how an excellently well placed break (filled with unused anger /) is followed by a jarring and unnatural break (a mother who's too /). Similar breaks that jarred my attention were prevalent throughout ("don't say a word when /," or "tells you that you're /," "telling yourself that /," for example) but there were also several line breaks that create the appropriate emphasis that allows a powerful image ("press a knife to your skin, /," "and scrawl every thought in it / with unreadable handwriting. /," "grab that knife again. /," for example).

The images themselves are potent, but because topics and themes like the ones in this piece are hardly original, I, to be blunt, am not as moved as I could have been. Part of the problem is that I am given reasons to pity the character before I get to know who this character is. Shit happens and I get that, but I don't cry for every sad story I hear; if I did, I wouldn't be able to function as a human being. It is the writers job, therefore, to create the story that readers find compelling, and while a lot of deviantArt readers may find this compelling, they are easily able to hear the word "you" and apply it to themselves because they have lived through similar problems. As an artist, however, your goal should be to get sympathy from those of us who have never known the shit you have gone through. Since I have transitioned from originality to impact, I'll take this chance to address your ending; "and it hurts." is a simple summary of the entire poem, and doesn't have very much power. A paper cut hurts, as did stubbing my toe on the door this morning; something tells me this pain is much deeper, much more potent and powerful than the fleeting physical pain of stubbed toe. Capture that. Leave me with some great image that is going to haunt me for the rest of the day.
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
When I posted the piece, I did in no way expect it to gain this much attention. But when I wrote this, I was just expressing what I was feeling at the time, and putting it out in the open has helped me overcome some of the feelings related to this piece.

What would you suggest in place of the ending that's there now?

If you don't like this, I suggest you take a look at the other pieces in my gallery. Thank you for taking the time to critique. :heart:
BDancinJones's avatar
BDancinJonesHobbyist Writer
I can't say what I feel should go at the end exactly; this is one of those tricky situations where I don't know what the right answer is, but I can say that what it is now isn't quite... I don't feel anything new at the end of it all.  The best advice I could give is to try and make us feel something throughout, but in those last few lines, make us think or feel in a completely new way.  Something so I'm reading and thinking, "Oh okay, I get thi--WHOA!  That was unexpected!" or something like that.  I'm sorry if this vague and unhelpful; I'm trying my best buy I don't have a specific idea for you.
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
Lol, that's fine. I understand what you're saying.
DarkDragonRyder's avatar
DarkDragonRyderHobbyist Photographer
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

This was very beautiful, and written from a true perspective. The emotion was crafted into it with such an outstanding impact that made me feel the pain shown in this poem. the line d r a g made me read it slowly, feeling everything you wrote. It truly came alive and showed the struggles written. I gave it five stars for everything because you really deserve this, not out of pity. The vision and originality were amazing. Your technique was flawless and this is defiantly one of the best poems I've seen on Deviantart. I can connect to this I encourage you to keep writing more of these!
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for your kind words. And thank you for taking the time to critique this. It means a lot. :heart:
DarkDragonRyder's avatar
DarkDragonRyderHobbyist Photographer
You're very welcome! I hope to read more poems by you!
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
Thanks :D I hope you enjoy them.
Peribub's avatar
PeribubHobbyist
:star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

Without regard to the subject matter, this is middle school level writing, grammar, etc. with seemingly random and meaningless use of formatting. Vocabulary is heavily lacking. I'm shocked, disturbed, visibly shaken, that someone claiming to be older than myself has produced something far below the both of us in technical/overall quality. Comparable to a poor first draft.

The reception of this work is a statement in the decline of intellectuals, or even peoples of average intelligence and with the capacity for critical thinking skills and analysis, in this community, because I cannot fathom how this work most unremarkable is receiving any commentary beyond "Oh that's so sad!!!" "man this is literally me!" "sorry you [ALLUDED] to having gone through that!!!!". This piece is blindly praised for what I can only assume is the current trend of [younger] people looking to exploit tragic things in their life. This is reflected in the comments/critique section.

I can gather that you seem to be an content producer that takes themselves on some level of SERIOUSNESS (a distinction that should be duly noted when judging someone by their gallery), and with the respect for an attempt at SERIOUS WRITING deserves, I say I'm truly sorry if you had to actually experience those things, but you disrespect and do offence to yourself and everyone else who has had to go through things like that when you produce and firmly stand by something of this caliber.
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
I am truly sorry that you think this way. When I posted the piece, I did in no way expect it to gain this much attention. But when I wrote this, I was just expressing what I was feeling at the time, and putting it out in the open has helped me overcome some of the feelings related to this piece.

If you don't like this, I suggest you take a look at the other pieces in my gallery. Thank you for taking the time to critique. :heart:
SarakuHD's avatar
SarakuHDHobbyist Writer
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

WOAH.

WHAT DID I-

That was absolutely amazing. Never in my life did I expects someone to make something like this

AND PERFECT IT.

The visualization of it showed as if that you had this experience yourself.

For the love of God, please don't tell me you actually suffered this. If you did, I'm so damn sorry, and I'm so sorry for the others too.

Twit obviously showed the impact on the person being affected. It showed the actually emotion, and described all the actions a person would do if that was them.

Honestly, I'm not at all surprised that this received the Daily Devianation. (I bet you that was spelled wrong)

Now, excuse me while I go wipe my eyes, since I cannot see anything now.
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for taking the time to say this. :heart:
ZeroxOffical's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

This is so sad, but true. I almost cried while reading this, it was almost too sad and...
after all it was just amazing. I personally cant even understand how someone can write something like this and its so... just so sad and... still, i loved it.
I think it was the best thing i have read for couple months. mayby longer. this really touched my heart and it was so beautiful. im so sorry for my bad english but i hope you understanded me at all. still... Youre awesome guy (or girl) and you should keep it going! Love you! (no gay)
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
Thank you for your kind comments. :heart:
ZeroxOffical's avatar
My pleasure :)
SparklingSunflowerXX's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

HOLY FU-
This.
This is just.
AMAZING.
I can honestly relate to this.
Word for word.
I'm a strong, scratchy tomboy, and even I have to admit:
I cried. A lot.
This is a perfectly planned and written out poem, and it damn well deserves the Daily Deviantation. (( Pft, I think I spelled that wrong. ))

Being a writer and all, I was sucked in just by the title alone. I really enjoyed reading this, and I encourage you to continue to write things like this. It can really impact a person more than you think.

So, anyways, congrats on the DD, and I hope to see more of this kind of writing in the future!

~Nicole
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for taking the time to critique my poem!

:heart: Your kind words really mean a lot. I'm very glad you like it.

:iconihugyouplz:

Thank you again.
SparklingSunflowerXX's avatar
You're very welcome! I searched around in your gallery for a while and found a lot of things that inspired me for the next part of my fanfic~! 8D
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
Awww, I'm honored. :heart: Thank you.
SparklingSunflowerXX's avatar
You're welcome~!
Beyond-An-Anomaly's avatar
Beyond-An-AnomalyStudent General Artist
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Gorgeous.

Mother. Ducking. GORGEOUS.

Everything, literally, EVERYTHING in this poem is wonderful. The style is astonishing, and the free-form here flows like a serene river.

The message hits home. I can't entirely say that I can relate to this, but it's still powerful all in itself. It expresses the true suffering one can feel, but there are times where one has to sadly put on a brave face and live through it until the nightmare is over...if it ever really is.

Now, this poem is dark. Very dark, and it does bring up cutting and teenage tough times and all that. I've only been on this site for three months, and I've already seen a ridiculous amount of poems that scream "I'm an angsty emo! Look at MA DEPREZIN POEM!1" The problem that poems like that tend to face is that they're over-bearing, heavily emphasizing on the fact that, "This world is sad. Boo-hoo, sob sob. Darkness. Pain. Agony. Woe is freakin' me." In other words, there isn't much impact...just angst and possibly self-loathing.

...HERE, however, is how to write something dark THE RIGHT WAY. Why? Well, I can tell that you're actually honest about what you're saying. You're passionate about writing this. It's just so obvious that you took the time stating word for word how you've felt and what you've experienced, how hard it truly is to get the word out, and when an author unleashes their true forms on the page, it's beautiful in every sense of the word. Here, it's beautiful.

I know you probably want advice on what you can improve on...but really, I've got nothing. This piece was amazing, and simply, in a word, magical. There's not much more I can say besides...thank you for making something so freaking fantastic.

Very nicely done. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=":) (Smile)"/>

-BAA
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the critique! :heart:

Your kind words really mean a lot.

:iconihugyouplz:
Beyond-An-Anomaly's avatar
Beyond-An-AnomalyStudent General Artist
Not a problem at all!! :D

All your work is fantastic. You seriously deserve the DD, and I'm so happy you got it. :)
lion-essrampant's avatar
lion-essrampantHobbyist Writer
:heart::heart::heart:

Thank you.
anonymous's avatar
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