Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login

:iconlgarczewski:
It's nice to see another "convert" to what I consider a school of English haiku closer to the Japanese original in both form and spirit.

The scene you described is almost an ideal haiku moment. Peaceful, tranquil, natural beauty. And all of that comes across perfectly clear in your poem.

I would, however, point out that a haiku should (typically) consist of two parts – two distinct observations, that are presented beside one another to expose a surprising contrast or quite the opposite – similarity between two things or concepts that seem distant at first glance (though this is something of an oversimplification).

This practice is known as kiru (cutting), and in English the two parts are usually divided by a dash, or a more subtle punctuation mark. In this poem, the division is not clear, and it all seems to blend into one depiction.

Another trait important in traditional haiku is the kigo (season word), which in this case seems to be "blue sky". One might argue that this is a bit vague, and doesn't point at specific season. But then again, perhaps in your part of the world it does. And even if not, modern haiku sometimes don't have a clear kigo at all.

Overall, this is a very good first try! I hope you will experiment further, and write many more poems that make me smile and wonder, as this one did.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconplaugh:
Plaugh Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011
Many thanks for the marvelous feedback. I wrote my first haiku 5 months ago in the 5-7-5 style that I knew at the time. I have learned quite a bit since. I am very much wanting to continue and improve. I have seen the words kiru and kigo and seen the definitions, but working it all in is quite a challenge.

You are right that blue is the kigo word. The image I had was a specific color blue sky that only occurs in the summer and is absolutely clear of clouds. Unfortunately English does not have a word to specify that shade of blue, so I am kind of stuck.

I agree that the kiru in this is extremely weak. I will try to keep that more in mind only next attempt.

Many, many thanks for the feedback! :)
Reply
Add a Comment: