This isn't about my art career.
This isn't about my motivation.
This isn't about anything concerning what I do for a living, because that's nothing.
Since March, I've felt like a complete failure. I've had a lot of ups in these few months but nothing to significantly change what's going on.
I am jobless with a debt of over six thousand over my head.
I lost my fiance and things are still rocky.
I lost fucking everything. My job, some friends, my cons, my money. I don't have my temps or a car and can't get it anytime soon.
I have two new beautiful babies to pick me up every day. One's soon to be my ESA when I can get a note for him, so that's something.
I firmly don't believe I'll ever be where I want to be in my life at this point. My emotional state and how I view the world in such a delayed mindset has been shattered beyond belief by people who I won't name.
My depression is to the point I have a plan. I know what breaking points could happen to send me into that state. To run away and not come back. I know where I'd run to and I know what I'd bring, and I'm not even intentionally planning this. It's just there. It creeps up in intrusive thoughts that become a pattern, and that pattern forms a forked road.
This isn't a normal mindset. I was supposed to be happy. The lovers I do have, I don't think I'm good enough. I'm not good enough for anybody or anything. I'm a monster trapped in a hell where my memories are fuzzy and I don't know what's real or if someone is lying to me.
This isn't the life I wanted for me or anything involved with me and I'll always feel like it's my fault.
I don't know how much longer I can do this. Without love and success, I'd rather not be here. I spent ~18 years knowing what it's like to be without love and motivation. I spent ~5 years thinking that love was someone sneaking into your room so you can 'fix their marriage'. I spent 18 years thinking that love meant you had to fuck off and be civil, and shut up and listen to your peers.
I don't want that ever again. I refuse to be without it ever again. I'll GLADLY, without hesitation take my own life if I could never have that again.
I'm not even scared anymore. I just want it to fucking change.
No, this isn't a cry for help. I just wanted to get this out without writing it in a journal that will never be seen, but I didn't want to post it on my Facebook or my account will be nuked, because yeahhhh fb does that now.
Listening to: Nightcore bc I'm trash