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About Varied / Hobbyist Dr. Degenhardt20/Male/United States Group :iconfivenightsonda: FiveNightsOnDA
 
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Deviant for 2 Years
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ART RAFFLE WINNER by Lexathet ART RAFFLE WINNER :iconlexathet:Lexathet 1 0 Official Commission Sheet -OPEN- by Lexathet Official Commission Sheet -OPEN- :iconlexathet:Lexathet 0 0 Ceder's Ref by Lexathet Ceder's Ref :iconlexathet:Lexathet 3 5 Pippin's Ref Sheet by Lexathet Pippin's Ref Sheet :iconlexathet:Lexathet 2 0 -OPEN- LEWD HORSE YCH by Lexathet
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-OPEN- LEWD HORSE YCH :iconlexathet:Lexathet 1 0
March by Lexathet March :iconlexathet:Lexathet 3 0 don't fucking leave again by Lexathet don't fucking leave again :iconlexathet:Lexathet 1 0 Oddish No by Lexathet
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Oddish No :iconlexathet:Lexathet 6 1
CHEAP COMMISSIONS OPEN! by Lexathet CHEAP COMMISSIONS OPEN! :iconlexathet:Lexathet 0 0 The good priest by Lexathet
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The good priest :iconlexathet:Lexathet 1 0
soon by Lexathet
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soon :iconlexathet:Lexathet 3 0
-DDADDS Cosplay- Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery by Lexathet
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-DDADDS Cosplay- Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery :iconlexathet:Lexathet 9 0
-DDADDS Cosplay- You're going to learn! by Lexathet -DDADDS Cosplay- You're going to learn! :iconlexathet:Lexathet 13 0 -DDADDS Cosplay- Well, hello by Lexathet -DDADDS Cosplay- Well, hello :iconlexathet:Lexathet 5 4 Lecture time! by Lexathet Lecture time! :iconlexathet:Lexathet 8 0 Sticky Situation by Lexathet Sticky Situation :iconlexathet:Lexathet 0 3

Minecraft Fan Button by ButtonsMaker
MLP: Friendship is Magic Fan Button (Edited) by ButtonsMaker
Markiplier Fan Button by ButtonsMaker
JackSepticEye Fan Buttton by ButtonsMaker
Dubstep Fan Button by ButtonsMaker

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B/W Ani : Commissions OPEN - Button by Drache-Lehre B/W Ani : Point Commissions OPEN - Button by Drache-Lehre B/W Ani : Art Trades (AT) ASK ME - Button by Drache-Lehre
B/W Ani : Requests FRIENDS ONLY - Button by Drache-Lehre B/W Ani : Fanart Requests I DON'T DO - Button by Drache-Lehre

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This isn't about my art career.
This isn't about my motivation.
This isn't about anything concerning what I do for a living, because that's nothing.

Since March, I've felt like a complete failure. I've had a lot of ups in these few months but nothing to significantly change what's going on.

I am jobless with a debt of over six thousand over my head.
I lost my fiance and things are still rocky.
I lost fucking everything. My job, some friends, my cons, my money. I don't have my temps or a car and can't get it anytime soon.

I have two new beautiful babies to pick me up every day. One's soon to be my ESA when I can get a note for him, so that's something.

I firmly don't believe I'll ever be where I want to be in my life at this point. My emotional state and how I view the world in such a delayed mindset has been shattered beyond belief by people who I won't name. 

My depression is to the point I have a plan. I know what breaking points could happen to send me into that state. To run away and not come back. I know where I'd run to and I know what I'd bring, and I'm not even intentionally planning this. It's just there. It creeps up in intrusive thoughts that become a pattern, and that pattern forms a forked road. 

This isn't a normal mindset. I was supposed to be happy. The lovers I do have, I don't think I'm good enough. I'm not good enough for anybody or anything. I'm a monster trapped in a hell where my memories are fuzzy and I don't know what's real or if someone is lying to me.

This isn't the life I wanted for me or anything involved with me and I'll always feel like it's my fault. 

I don't know how much longer I can do this. Without love and success, I'd rather not be here. I spent ~18 years knowing what it's like to be without love and motivation. I spent ~5 years thinking that love was someone sneaking into your room so you can 'fix their marriage'. I spent 18 years thinking that love meant you had to fuck off and be civil, and shut up and listen to your peers.

I don't want that ever again. I refuse to be without it ever again. I'll GLADLY, without hesitation take my own life if I could never have that again.

I'm not even scared anymore. I just want it to fucking change.

No, this isn't a cry for help. I just wanted to get this out without writing it in a journal that will never be seen, but I didn't want to post it on my Facebook or my account will be nuked, because yeahhhh fb does that now.
  • Listening to: Nightcore bc I'm trash
  • Eating: Alfredo
  • Drinking: Kool-Aid

Journal History

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Lexathet
Dr. Degenhardt
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
Heyo. My name is Lex. I'm edgy for the sake of being edgy. I am an aspiring mortician, I love the concept of death. I'd like my art to focus more on it, so hopefully, I'll get there someday.


Divider (3) by LadyMidnightSolace D : Break My Heart and Die (Set Added!) by AngelicHellraiser Divider (3) by LadyMidnightSolace

Stamps and shit. I fuckin' love stamps, okay?

Seven Deadly Stamps: Envy by Voltaira Seven Deadly Stamps: Lust by Voltaira Seven Deadly Stamps: Wrath by Voltaira

Heart Border [Blue/Black] by RevPixy

polyamorous heart by Tiny-Forest-Prince Heteroflexible stamp by xlemany polyamorous heart by Tiny-Forest-Prince

Heart Border [Blue/Black] by RevPixy

respectful Satanist stamp by CosmicDusty In Satan I trust stamp by lapis-lazuri Stamp: Tool of Satan by 8manderz8 [Stamp] [Satanism] Misrepresentation by Vovina-de-Micaloz common sense is all I need by NekroWuschelSchaf

Heart Border [Blue/Black] by RevPixy

LeafyIsHere by Gushi57 Stamp - The Legend of Zelda by toniworld Ninja Sex Party Stamp by scarbebi

Heart Border [Blue/Black] by RevPixy

Being Trans is Neither an Accesory Nor a Fad by Mintaka-TK ''lol a man got hit by a wimmin'' by Mintaka-TK This is More Common Than You Think by Mintaka-TK Trans Headcanons Are Actually Offensive by Mintaka-TK

Heart Border [Blue/Black] by RevPixy

Patsel Goth Stamp by MoonSweetMisfit vomit fetish stamp by kawaiicunt-stamps I like them biter by She-Shark I heart Blood stamp by the-emo-detective Bloody Good Time Stamp by Twisted--Princess bloody knuckles (Stamp) by ELLlOTT Rose Stamp by sequelle edge lord [Stamp] by I-Stamps
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:iconcitytoon:
citytoon Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
hi
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(1 Reply)
:iconsawuscimitar74:
SawuScimitar74 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2018
Hey there! Hope your birthday was a good one! I would've replied sooner, but I was busy at the time.
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(1 Reply)
:iconannaivri:
Annaivri Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy birthday! socks the cat- nYA by paw-kitten
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(1 Reply)
:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2018
Happy birthday! :D
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(1 Reply)
:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2018
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

It's February 20th which means it's that time of the year again and your special day is here! We hope you have an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

---
Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: UndertakerMichaelis
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