My Birthday!!! Ahah! These past 5 years have been pretty heavy on me, this year since my last bday was especially depressing & weird but since that new year's eve, I've made a lot of sense of things! Trying my best to heal from my bosses & former best friends dropping me hard for having mental health issues we were ALL having - I took that severely for many dumb personal reasons and yahh,, BAD year for reopening cptsd and gaining more trauma, generally being surrounded by new unselfaware people/toxicity but it all turned out fine since I found someone through all this messiness who could seriously relate. In a way I feel fortunate, I've realized these friends most likely never valued me the way I did them and their dreams. I don't regret any of it, they probably just couldn't bring themselves to be honest with me, be "that person." It's painful & difficult & I don't really blame them, despite having considerably more years to figure out their trauma & coping mechanisms than I. It's hard but I suspected they just thought of me as someone young & dramatic, but interesting - naive & scatterbrained but interesting, instead of being haunted by childhood experiences with sexual, physical & psychological abuse & trying to handle my years of chemical brain damage aging up. Like they had casual, irony-poisoned fun mocking me in private. They'd push therapy on me as if to say they really didn't want to deal with me anymore, very saddening and isolating after the things I'd done & sacrificed for them, the material circumstances they had me tied with them in, which hadn't entered my head ever before the rumination started. They'd say they wished I could do better but I honestly needed a friend, just like she wanted of me two years earlier, makes me feel like I apparently got too trusting and was simply *placed* into a catch22 of either enduring worse trauma (by forcing me out of the new house we'd been waiting to get approved & suggest I move into our useless toxic bosses' home, whomst they felt fully comfortable dumping a lot of my personal past and traumas to) or homelessness to pay for it, these past events sort of revealed that maybe they weren't the most sincere in their best wishes for me. The relationship was sort of based in pure grind & comfort, despite my past mentioning of concerns and being assured nothing was wrong, i feel like they just needed my help with the farm until it was clear it wouldn't work out. Sadly, that's what it ended up being through the unconscious momentum. I feel like this death needed to happen but not for the reasons these friends thought, they were firmly in the boat that ghosting me & further trauma casualty initiated by them would be a good lesson for me to grow up. Patronizing & unobservant to say the least but also sort of typical, I feel gross and used thinking I should've known better about this type of toxic arrogance I suppressed suspicions of. I had excused it and played along with similar types of behavior from them, i didn't want to think of these people that way after what we'd been through that first year & a half. There's a definite combination of unself-awareness & prideful self-satisfaction going on there, happens to the best of us. I'm fortunate in being meant for better, precisely to combat this type of social and spiritual atrophy and help the people most hurt by and escape from these unexamined attitudes. To be a part of the movement of building off these ideas & mindsets & transform them into whole, kinder, more understanding ways of seeing. That poor farm, those new owners, that town, the evil eye just couldn't be escaped, it was oppressive. I'm thankful for what this past revealed to me, even if it placed yet another crack in these friends' souls fast enough for them to lose literal sight of their surroundings in order to perpetuate self-defeating cycles, a pitfall of ignoring Pluto. I know they're strong & bright anyway, I pray nothing makes them lose hope & at least they've got each other. I met my partner through all this that fills me with the true light I've been trying to share with people who thought possessed the fortitude. They're an amazing and truly warmhearted sweetbun who picked me up and watered me when I really thought material people had done it this time and broke my mind and heart, the worst flashbacks and regression states I've experienced since being a severely mentally ill and untreated teen. This absolute diamond of shadow read me up and down, in and out during my fugue state and still saw a future. They'd been there and not only knew how to help, but was WILLING to help.. I'm only here because of them, I'm sticking around a bit longer! A nice birthday wish!