Leurindal's avatar
you tell me.
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  • Sep 18
  • Malta
  • Deviant for 14 years
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He tried to weigh his soul to see if it was a poet's soul. Melancholy was the dominant note of his temperament, he thought, but it was a melancholy tempered by recurrences of faith and resignation and simple joy. If he could give expression to it in a book of poems perhaps men would listen.

James Joyce, A Little Cloud

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your appreciation means a lot to me too :)
most welcome - it's been a pleasure :hug:
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
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Hi there <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/> I'll share with you my thoughts on this poem - I hope they're useful!

(Stars set to maximum:
stars are very
un-nec-ess-ary;
theeey can only do haaarm.
)

Thoughts of you reign in bones like fiery woodpeckers,
hungry for my marrow maggots.


Strong image, with excellent use of simile and metaphor - great opening for a poem. I think that the introduction of "you" necessitates the introduction of "my" in order to further bring out the you-me dichotomy in the poem. I'm not sure about "fiery" - it contrasts nicely with the cold imagery in the subsequent lines, but it's a strange association. Still, I rather like it <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>

I'd change the first two lines as follows:

Thoughts of you reign in my bones
like fiery woodpeckers,
hungry for the maggots in my marrow.

I broke down "marrow maggots" into "the maggots in my marrow" for two reasons:
1. the pretty hungry-the assonance
2. bringing marrow towards the end of the line accentuates its rhyming with "snow" in the following lines.

Their frenzies spread disease through my newly-formed crevices,
until patches of my skin flake, fall, and shimmer as new snow.


So, the extended metaphorical image progresses - excellent. I'd go for a stronger adjective than "newly-formed" - some adjective that gives the crevices a tangible texture/relatable feel. The fourth line is lovely! I'd edit line-breaks as follows: (personal taste)

Their frenzies spread disease
through my newly-formed crevices,
until patches of my skin flake, fall,
and shimmer as new snow.

(I love the resulting, subtle marrow-snow rhyme)

Vapors of love hang over us in steamy winter breaths,
like barely tangible clouds strung on a heavenly mobile.


minor suggestion: try to favour nouns (powerful words) over adjectives (weaker words) - I'd thus change 'heavenly' to a noun e.g. "on heaven's mobile" or "the firmament's clothesline" etc etc

Their strings are the tails of shooting stars, that I won't let go of

because I'm finally going somewhere you can't follow me.


I think that these lines constitute the poem's weak part - your feelings for this person have been described as being intense and unescapable - this line contradicts that, creating a sort of semantic anachronism between the two stanzas. I'd consider scrapping the lines completely, but for the present, these edits may help:

Their strings are the tails of shooting stars,
that I won't let go of,(introduce a comma)

because I'm finally going somewhere
where you can't follow.

Notice how removing "me" brings out the assonance in the of-follow end words, as well as the alliteration of the letter w in these two lines.

Leprosy is contagious.
So is uncertainty.


I have mixed feelings about the ending - it has considerable impact, but it may be a bit of a premature conclusion. I, personally, would change "so" to "as" - for some weird reason I cannot fathom, I prefer "as" there.

I hope you find my thoughts helpful. Please remember that these are simply my own humble opinions and you may well disagree with all of them - you're the poet, after all <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/>

Keep up the beautiful writing, and good luck with your future poems <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt=":heart:" title="Heart"/>