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Artist // Student // Literature
  • United Kingdom
  • Deviant for 10 years
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Super Llama: Llamas are awesome! (28)
My Bio
Favourite genre of music: Anything vaguely electronic. But it varies.
Operating System: No idea what this means. Windows.
Shell of choice: Sea.

Favourite Visual Artist
You, my sweet. Letters to the usual address.
Favourite Movies
Zombieland, 28 Days Later, anything with Bill Nighy (apart from Love Actually)
Favourite TV Shows
Flight of the Conchords, Misfits.
Favourite Bands / Musical Artists
Gorillaz, Del tha Funkee Homosapien, David Gray
Favourite Books
Crime fiction generally.
Favourite Writers
Mil Millington. Google him. Google him now.
Favourite Games
Erk. Loads. Anything pretty, especially. Oblivion, Bioshock and Far Cry 2 rocket to mind.
Favourite Gaming Platform
Tools of the Trade
Camera, a good imagination. And decent personal hygiene never hurt anyone.


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Llama: Llamas are awesome! (1)
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Llama: Llamas are awesome!
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Llama: Llamas are awesome!
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Llama: Llamas are awesome!


To be honest I thought there might be, which is why I briefly mentioned it at the end rather than making a big thing of it. Just wanted to check I was at the right level of ignorance intended for your reader at that point ;)
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

Minor punctuation and word edits:

Instead of "sides of buildings", I'd suggest the word "facades" - keeps the pace going.

"He plucked one off his coat, they were little stars." could be "He plucked one of the little stars off his coat"

I think you should break this sentence up:
"The man turned quickly to face her. He was very tall, Pia felt like a pixie beside him, although that wasn’t uncommon, her brother, Harry, had gotten all the tall genes in the family."

"an elongated second" - just get rid of the word elongated, it adds nothing and gets in the way.

On the other side:

Something you do very masterfully all the way through is encourage different points of view in quite little ways. For example, early on I like the Terran reminiscence of sports fans, which are an excellent base for demonstrating pride in one's country/planet.

You're very good at making this all sound familiar and relatable at the right points. These sorts of narratives are usually told from a grand view, and it's great to see one from the ground as it were - ie by the general population. I love the bureaucracy, and the everyday travel annoyances like passports and similar. A good example of this is the translator glitch, which is treated like an actual piece of technology, prone to bugs and other technological problems - in short, not quite the magical macguffin those sorts of things are sometimes treated as.

At times it reminds me of Mission Impossible or James Bond, in terms of the chase through a cultural festival. I especially like knowing you're talking about Earth, but making it sound foreign and unknown from the POV of an alien.

And finally -

By and large, an excellent tale with good pacing that masterfully melds two separate stories and characters together. The Soschan is a believable threat, and I like the real-world politics and considerations that get in the way of Cal's mission. I think the chemistry between the two characters needs a bit of work: why is he taking her with him, really? Nothing really stopping him from turning around and saying 'thanks for helping, but that was your own choice.' One or two other syntax and punctuation errors, but by and large and imaginative tale that takes a unique perspective.
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

It's a bleak opening, introducing us immediately to a nihilistic narrator who doesn't care for happy-go-luckiness. Sets the tone.

You use colours well in the next paragraph. They help bring the images to the reader's mind, painting this rather tranquil picture all the more vividly. I like what it seems to be saying so far. It's a perfect image, but completely unrealistic. No one is ever going to 'achieve' that dream. It's putting me in mind of an endless pursuit of perfection, which is after all what a lot of us are always doing. The sentences are longer and more flowing, carrying us along and letting us get lost in the image.

Suddenly, bam, bam. bam. The sentences are shorter, sharper. They take the reader to a completely different place instantaneously, like waking them from sleep. Excellent use of structure.

The next paragraph details a place both nice and nasty. No doubt a classy place, but not one where you might want to find yourself. Sex is introduced into the mix immediately, but in a distorted, twisted way. This theme continues throughout, of sex being an ugly thing. It's consistent and it's powerful.

You're also quick to use strong, vulgar words, bringing distasteful things to mind. Molested, perverted, blood, cum. They're impactful, they're horrible. But they capture our attention. We're drawn to them in an oddly unhealthy way, much like the unhealthy attitude of the patrons. Not halfway through, you're forcing the reader to examine themselves, and compare themselves with the people in the story.

There's a sense of superiority that's introduced along with your narrator, when he finally appears in the flesh. You use an outsider perspective to help keep us on his side of the events, supporting the way you tell them using brief, sharp images. Personally, I'm almost seeing a film inside my head, but with muffled sound and blurred vision. It's directly related to the way you portray the events succintly, but using opinionated words, so that we're always with the narrator.

I'm a great fan of using insect imagery, again as well as showing only hideous, inappropriate acts of sex. The buzzing flies reinforce that, reminding us that sex as Mother Nature created it can be a truly hideous sight, cutting through human sentmentality popularly attached to the act.

Violence is also hinted at well before it actually starts - striking himself and inanimate objects, as well as the blood-red dress. It's just little things that keep the concept in our minds. Also chilling is the interaction between your narrator and the woman. It's made very clear he's not about to do a terrible thing in the name of love. He's lighthearted. He's doing it because he finds it fun. The amount of foreshadowing might take several reads, but it's brilliant, and subtle.

I was initially a bit annoyed at the words 'as the fight is approved' - I was expecting more build up. Then I realised that the reason there's no build up is because it doesn't matter. The fight is the only thing that's important to this guy.

It's obvious to say the protagonist isn't very likeable. It's less obvious to think immediately of why that is. The scenes pictured, respectable businessmen, off duty cops, ie normal people, are separate from this man, and yet not that different at all. He's a thug who not only engages in violence, but delights in it. And all these supposedly normal people are in the room with him, momentarily reveling in the same things. It's a short step from him to them to us, and he embodies a side of ourselves no-one really likes to think about.

Now this line: "By the time I’m done, Dae-Su’s face looks like the inside of a cherry pie." If you'll permit me a swear, fuck that's violent. It was the most powerful image in the entire thing for me. It's a sight that everyone knows, and is associated with pleasure in it's usual context. But to try and apply that to a human face is...just abhorent. It's so impactful. It really carries the idea that violence has transcended everything else of importance for this man, and combined with the earlier observation that we're not so far from him, it becomes even more unnerving. Again, it invokes colour, which makes it more vivid, and more terrible.

After the fight, the narrator not only justifies himself, but predicts the acts of his audience. He's not bothered, because he knows them. He knows that there's a part of everyone that loves violence, which again forces the reader to examine themselves.

All the way through this, you portray sex and the human body in an extremely negative way, and they're intertwined and barely a step away from violence. Especially compared to the idyllic scene in the opening, it makes it especially powerful. It made my blood pressure speed up slightly at the horror of it all, and no written medium, on DA or otherwise, has done that before.

In summary, an effective stark examination of sex, violence, and nihilism, and how close we all are to it. One of the most memorable things I've ever read,
The only thing I would advise is to switch up your sentence structure during the fight. It's still fast and punchy. Slow it down again, let us get lost in the blood and impacts, as your narrator does.
Otherwise, apart from a typo ("occasionally companion"), I can't see a thing wrong with it. It's genius.

Make no mistake - loved it, never want to read it again. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="=D" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="367" title="=D (Big Grin)"/>
commented on the door by
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

The first line moves slightly too quickly for me - I had to read it several times before I could quite grasp its meaning. I also think you've got just a few too many double negatives in there, which bogs your reader down, trying to work out which cancels out the other. I would either add in a comma, or separate it into two sentences. Either way it needs splitting up.
Having said that, I do like the use of the word 'orifice'. I've never heard that word used in a nice context, only ever said with disgust (or a medical sense, which is obviously immediately dismissed here). The result is that the reader is slightly repulsed by this 'horror' before they've even got past the first few lines.

It's interesting the way your narrator addresses it directly; it gives the thing a personality, before we even know what it is.

'Such a pity' would probably work better as a full sentence standing alone.

I think a physical description of the door at the end might work, although I say this with more tentativeness than my other suggestions. Even if it's a metaphor, it's a metaphor at least partially made real, and it could help drive the impact home to see a physical vision of it.

I really like "However much we try to dismiss this veil of sorrow we are always enshrouded by it". The image of a shroud works brilliantly in this context, quite literally enveloping us. It's a scary prospect.

Again, the only problems I have with the work so far all stem from the fact that it moves quite quickly, wheras I feel a slower, more melancholy approach might be more appropriate. All you'll need to do for that is just insert a few commas here and there, and shorten a few sentences. Was its fast pace intentional? (Not a rhetorical question <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="=)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="390" title="=) (Smile)"/> )

I really like the theme here, about attempting to escape from our fears, and embodying that in a physical shape. Especially one of a door; an image we all recognise, and use every day. You imbue it with such malice, but the way you describe it here - "sadly only you can watch it and realise we are without a maker..." implies that it's not evil of its own intent. It's simultaneously an object of fear, and an object of pity, and a piece of ourselves. It's a complex way of seeing it, but I think it works.

It's an excellent piece, but I think it lacks the impact it could potentially have. Rejig some of the sentences, and dole out a few commas here and there, and it'll be perfect <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="=D" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="367" title="=D (Big Grin)"/>