literature

Unclassified Survival Guide

Deviation Actions

leftomaniac's avatar
By leftomaniac

Literature Text

HOW TO CREATE A HAUNTED TREE

1.  Marry someone you don't love.

If you are already in a loveless marriage, you can skip this step.

2. Bring up the subject of moving with your spouse.
Prepare a list or reasons you want to move. Pick someplace very far away, ideally in another country. Be firm but not impatient, do not seem over eager. Tie up any loose ends, ship possessions ahead and be ready to leave at a moment's notice. Expect this step to take some time.

3. Create a garden in the backyard.
Mention to your spouse how relaxing gardening is, and point out that it will raise the value of your home. If you do not have a yard, locate a suitable area near your house, such as a disused lot.

4. Purchase sapling, and begin digging a plot.
The hole should be round, large enough for your spouse's body and several feet deep. Purchase a large sapling to avoid suspicion. If someone points out that the hole seems large for the sapling, mention something about the roots needing "room to spread."

5. The night before the move, tell your spouse that you want to plant the tree at midnight.
The lateness of the hour will help protect against witnesses, and add the necessary poetic tone. If your spouse is hesitant, make a big speech about how much you're going to miss the neighborhood and wanting to leave something behind, and how you need to be together. Get your spouse as close to the edge of the plot as possible and be sure they are not facing you. Pretending to see something glittering at the bottom of the hole is a good method.

6. Bash your spouse's head in with a shovel.
Hit them in the top of the head, as close to the center as possible. Move quickly and follow through as if you are aiming for a spot several inches deeper into their head than where you actually intend to hit. Knock them into the hole as quickly as possible, keeping an eye out for passers-by. Plant the sapling over your spouse and fill any gaps with bags of potting soil.

Note: Do not worry about whether your spouse is dead or just unconscious, burying them alive will only increase the odds of them returning as a ghost.

7. MOVE IMMEDIATELY.
You should already be fully prepared to leave. While your spouse's spirit will most likely manifest slowly as the sapling grows, the few hours after death are still prime moments for ghostly revenge. Try to book a red-eye flight that leaves just a short time after midnight. At the airport, try to pick up your spouse's ticket for them, pretending they're in the bathroom and will likely be there for some time.

Note: If your spouse is male mention diarrhea. If your spouse is female, mention PMS. Do not make a scene if security refuses. Take your own ticket, pretend to wait for your spouse a minute or so, then get on your flight.

Be aware:
* Although your spouse's ghost will almost definitely be anchored to the tree and unable to pursue you, they will still remember where you've moved to.
* Your spouse's ghost will likely implore your home's new owners to dig up their remains, or possibly just clip off a small branch or two, and send it to you, allowing them to enact ghostly revenge. Move again as soon as possible, and take on a new identity if necessary.
* Be suspicious of any pieces of wood or human body parts sent to you in the future.

HOW TO RESPOND WHEN VISITED BY A DIETY.

1. Remain calm.

Most deities appreciate a show of appropriate fear, but straight-out panic is never good. Breathe deeply and try to clear your mind.

2. Fall prostrate.
Do not get up unless told to.

3. Meditate.
Chant mentally. Focus on one thing or nothing. This will not only help you keep calm, it is very important as most deities can see into your mind, and may become wrathful at a snide or treacherous thought.

4. Find out who you are dealing with.
This should not be hard, as most Gods will announce themselves immediately. A few, however, will expect to be recognized. Note any details about the deity, (appearance, elements, divine helpers and sycophants, etc.) Any knowledge you have about the deity may come in handy. Avoid actually asking "who are you" as many will consider this insulting.

5. Find out what they want.
Again, this should not be hard. Immediately note the overall tone of the visitation, (instructive, proud, wrathful, etc.) Listen intently to any specific instructions. If the deity is wrathful, continue to the next step. If the deity is taking note of you, blessing you, or sending you on some mission, skip to step 7.

6. REPENT YOUR ASS OFF.
Try as hard as possible to mean it. If you can cry at will do so, allowing tears to fall down your cheeks without actually sobbing. Don't overdo it at first--some deities are disgusted by pitiful displays. If they don't seem any more merciful, go ahead and overdo it.

Note: If things look dark, show your desire to repent by pledging servitude to the deity. Although this will be a serious commitment if accepted and likely involve a lot of hard work, serving a God directly is often interesting, a source of adventure, and much, much better than eternal damnation. You may even receive supernatural powers as a side bonus.

7. Humbly listen to all the deity has to say.
Do not interrupt. Speak when spoken to. Be humble but not self-deprecating. Do not ask why you have been singled out unless you get the impression the deity wants you to. Do not claim to be unfit for the special notice you've been given, but do not act cocky either. Say that you will do your best to be worthy of this blessing or to complete the tasks assigned to you.

Note: Do not ask for anything. If the deity asks if you would like a boon, consider your answer carefully. (See HOW TO WISH WISELY.)

HOW TO READ A SINISTER TOME.

1. Look into the survival rate of the tome's previous owners.

Many sinister tomes have a history of driving its owners insane, to murder, or to suicide. Many others will have a history of owners that suddenly disappear, often due to some sort of demonic or extra-dimensional abduction. If your tome has no such history it is more likely to be safe, but less likely to be powerful. Aim for a good balance.

2. Find out what the previous owners did wrong.
Sometimes the difference between life and death can be as simple as not wearing a certain charm, or neglecting to have a blessing spoken over the pages before reading.

3. If possible, read it over in a language you aren't fluent in.
If the only copy is in your first language, have someone who doesn't speak that language look over it first. Any effects the actual reading of the text has will likely come through at a significantly lessened degree, giving you a decent idea of what you're dealing with.

4. Keep a therapist and a priest on call.
Many eldritch tomes have a maddening effect on the reader, and it is important to have an outside source available to assess your mental state. In the event of an accidental demonic summoning, a priest will sometimes be of use in protection or exorcism. Failing that, more powerful demons will often kill clergy before attacking other people in the room, to demonstrate their power and imply religion is a useless form of protection. This will give you the precious seconds you'll need to escape.

HOW TO RECOGNIZE A MAD SCIENTIST

1. Find out his specialty.

A lot of mad scientists will hide their illicit activities behind titles that are confusing or utterly nonsensical.

2. Take note of his appearance.
Haunted eyes, wringing hands and an overall disheveled look are a few giveaways. In old scientists, look for Einstein hair and scars. In young scientists, look for premature signs of aging.

3. If he has a scar or amputation, ask him about it.
If this prompts a long, rambling story in which the word "vengeance" is used liberally, you can skip the rest of this section.

4. Take note of his assistant.
Garden-variety scientists will have assistants who are intelligent, familiar with their field of study and not necessarily athletic. Mad scientists are more likely to employ muscle bound goons who speak in sentence fragments. These can be allies in a pinch.

5. Listen to him talk.
Even the most arrogant of non-mad scientists won't repeatedly call someone "fool" or "ignorant wretch" three minutes after meeting them.

Be aware:
* Sane, ethical scientists rarely live in castles.
* Be sure you need a mad scientist. Although normal scientists don't make as interesting company, they're much less likely to knock you unconscious and strap you to a steel table.

HOW TO DEAL WITH ORACLES

1. Be polite.

A respectful air can mean the difference between being told "Your wife will soon inherit a fortune" and "You wife will soon inherit a fortune from you after feeding you poisoned soup."

2. Keep questions short and to the point.
You're there to hear them talk, not vice-versa. Be specific in the way your phrase and frame your questions.

3. Use your right brain.
Oracles will often answer in metaphors, so it is important to think in metaphors. Be prepared to look at each answer from a number of perspectives. Animals, for example, often symbolize personality types, but that doesn't mean they can't stand for actual animals.

4. Ask for clarification humbly.
Pause for a few minutes first, considering possible meanings of the answer and the praising of your follow up questions. Stress their wisdom and your own simple-mindedness. Do not push it, and do not be obsequious.

5. If they refuse to answer further, thank them and leave.
If you did not offer a material token of gratitude when you first entered, now is the time to do so. Some oracles refuse payment, but like to be offered it anyway. Others demand tribute in the form of precious metals, jewels, etc. Find out what to bring an oracle beforehand. Always leave them happy, especially if you intend to ask them for advice again.

6. Think about their answers for a while.
If you have a gut feeling about what it might mean, pay attention to that, but also consider possible alternatives. Get other people's perspectives if possible. Act in accordance with the most likely interpretation, but keep the others in the back of your mind.

HOW TO TAKE CARE OF A MAN-EATING PLANT.

1. Determine how often it needs to be fed.

It is never wise to gorge anything that lives of human flesh, nor should you by any means underfeed it. If it can speak, do not ask it directly how often it needs to be fed--it will complain when it is hungry.

2. Do not let it get greedy.
I've noticed that the Worst Case Scenario Survival Guides on the market are only good for a few specific environments: A college, a vacation spot, an office building.... Someone needed to put out a guide for the hazards and challenges people face in their everyday lives. I wrote this guide as a service to the deviant community.
Comments4
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Thats awesome! Carry on!

crceres's avatar
Oh my.
Classic!
TTBranwen's avatar
Oh, how I love you!

:+fav:
Raven-Blood-13's avatar
oh damn I laughed my ass off over this!:rofl: this is great! very humorous!