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We were a happy family.  It was just me, my mommy, and my daddy.  We would do lots of fun things together!  Sometimes, we would go to the beach or sometimes we would get ice cream together.  It was really fun. =D

Things got bad when Daddy lost his job.  He said his job was taken by someone else who could do it for less money than he could.  I did not think it was fair.  Still, my daddy never gave up and promised me and Mommy he would find another job soon.

Everyday he circled something on the newspaper and left the house to go see if the people in the newspaper needed help.  Everyday, he came back with a sad look on his face and sat on the couch.  I would sit next to him and hug him.  He always smiled and thanked me.  That made me happy. =)

Mommy would tell Daddy that it was okay and that he would get a job soon.  But a long time passed and he still could not get a job.  Mommy and Daddy started fighting a lot.  I heard Mommy yelling about bills and how she worked a lot of extra hours, but the extra hours still were not enough.  Daddy would just look at the floor and say "Sorry" over and over again.  =(

One time, I saw Daddy taking some medicine.  I asked if he was sick.  I think I surprised him because he looked scared, but then he told me he was a little sick and the medicine would make it all better.  He made me promise not to tell Mommy because he did not want her to worry about him.  We did a pinky promise just to be sure.

After Daddy took the medicine, he laughed and smiled a lot.  He told me how much he loved me and Mommy.  He hugged me a lot too!  Then he started to tickle me.  I laughed really hard and so did Daddy.  We chased each other and made funny faces in the mirror.  We had SOOOO much fun that day!!!  =D

Mommy and Daddy did not fight much anymore because she worked a lot now and she was barely home.  I missed Mommy, but Daddy was always home and I think he knew I missed Mommy because he would always watch T.V. with me and try to keep me from thinking about her.  We still had fun together but Daddy was taking more and more medicine.  I was really worried.  I think he was getting sicker and trying different medicines.  I remember, one time, when he went into the bathroom and I could hear him making sniffing noises like when you get a runny nose.  When he came out, he talked a lot!  Wow!  We talked about EVERYTHING! XD

I watched Daddy get skinnier and skinnier.  He never ate anymore.  I even made a sandwich all by myself and gave it to him.  It was a strawberry jam sandwich.  He smiled really big and said, "Thank you", but he only took one bite.  Maybe I did not make it very good.  I was going to practice making sandwiches until he ate all of it!  =D

I wanted to tell Mommy about Daddy being sick, but I promised I would not.  Only bad people break their promises and I wanted to be good.  I could never break a promise with Daddy.  It was a pinky promise!  Still, I was scared, so I asked Daddy to go to the doctor.  He said he already went to the best doctor in the whole world and the doctor gave him some really good medicine.  He told me not to worry, hugged me really hard, and said he loved me very much.  I felt a little better and went to bed.

That night, I woke up because I had to go to the bathroom.  When I got to the bathroom, the light was on and the door was open a little bit.  I peeked inside and saw Daddy sitting on the floor, with his back to the wall, sticking a needle in his arm.  It was the kind of needle that doctors used to give me shots.  I hated shots.  Daddy must have been really sick to give himself a shot.  I opened the door and I was going to ask if he was okay, but I was scared so I just looked at him.

Daddy finished putting the medicine in his arm and then he took off what looked like a really big rubberband that was on the same arm where he gave himself a shot.  That is when he looked up and saw me.  He opened his mouth but he did not say anything.  His bottom lip was shaking and so was his body.  That was the first time I ever saw my Daddy cry.  =(

He covered his face with his hands and kept saying he was so sorry.  I walked over to him and told him that it was not his fault for being sick.  I am not sure why, but that made him cry even more.  I started to cry too.  Daddy stopped crying and put his hands on my arms.  He looked me right in the eyes and said:

"You won't understand this now, but when you grow up, promise you'll never be sick like Daddy, okay?"

I wiped the tears from my eyes and nodded.

"Say it."

"I promise, Daddy."

He gave me a sad smile and a hug.

After Daddy hugged me, he closed his eyes and made a "Mmm" sound like when you eat something really good.  He must have been very tired because I had never seen anybody fall asleep so fast.

I went back to my room and got a blanket for Daddy so he would not be cold.  I remembered I still had to go to the bathroom, so I did then fell asleep in Daddy's lap.

I woke up when I heard Mommy screaming.  It was really scary.  I saw Daddy and he was still asleep, but it looked like he just brushed his teeth and forgot to wash his mouth because there was still a lot of foam.  Mommy picked me up and took me to the kitchen with her.  I heard her calling someone, but I did not know who.  It was hard to understand her.  She was crying a lot and talking really fast.  =(

A little while later, I heard sirens and saw lots of lights outside.  The police were here and so was an ambulance.  I wondered who was in trouble and who was hurt.  I was really scared.  

Mommy talked to the policeman in the living room.  I saw two ambulance people, a man and a woman, going to the bathroom.  I wanted to ask Mommy why the ambulance people were going to where Daddy was, but she was talking to the policeman.  So, I went to the bathroom to make sure Daddy was okay.

When I got to the bathroom, I heard the man say that it was a "Hair-Oh-In-Oh-Dee".  I think they were talking about what was making Daddy sick.  I was happy that they knew because if they knew, maybe they could make Daddy better.  I asked them if Daddy was okay.  They both stopped talking and stared at me.  They did not say anything for a little bit.   Then the woman got up and walked toward me.  I thought I was in trouble.  She closed the bathroom door behind her and told me that they were doing everything they could for Daddy.  I smiled at her and she smiled back.  =)

She took me back to Mommy.  She was still in the living room with the policeman.  The woman waved goodbye and I waved back.  I liked her.  She was nice.  Mommy looked at the nice woman and the nice woman just shook her head and walked back to where Daddy was.  Mommy sat down on the couch and started to cry really hard.  

I was going to go sit next to Mommy and ask her why she was crying, but the policeman stopped me and asked me some weird questions.  He wanted to know if I knew Daddy was doing "drugs".  I told the policeman that I did not know what "drugs" were.  He asked me if I ever saw him use a needle before or if he ever took lots of medicine.  I was scared.  I did not know if I should tell the policeman that, but I knew I should not lie to a policeman.  Would I be breaking my promise to Daddy?  My tummy felt weird and I did not feel good.  Something was wrong.  I did not know what to do.  =(

I felt like crying, but before I did, I saw Mommy get up and yell at the policeman!  She said a LOT of bad words!  She told the policeman to leave me alone and that I did not know anything.  The policeman tried to tell her that he was just doing his job.  Mommy did not care and kicked the policeman out.  Mommy could be really scary when she was mad.

Mommy hugged me and told me that it was not my fault, that I did not know, and that she loved me very, very much.  I did not understand a lot of the stuff Mommy told me.  I did not understand what was going on.  All I know is that my Daddy died that night.

After that night, I promised myself I would keep my promise to Daddy to not be sick like him.  He said I would not understand, but I did.  I would eat my vegetables, even though I hated them, and I would run a lot and do lots of other things to make me strong.  

My Daddy loved me and I loved him very much.  He was always nice and played with me.  He tried really, really hard to fight being sick and never gave up.  He was the best daddy in the whole wide world and I was going to make him proud of me because I was going to grow up to be just like him. =D
Daydreaming at work. Any criticism is appreciated. =)
Thank you for taking the time to read it.

:iconthewrittenrevolution: [link]

Hello! So for a critique, I always like to know if...

1. You enjoyed the story. If not, what didn't you like?

2. Was my choice of words and sentence structure like that of a child's? I really wanted to make sure the child's voice came through. =)

3. Did any part seem uninteresting or slow? Need any clarification?

4. Personally, I really liked using the emoticons. I was hoping it would come across as if the child was writing in a diary and was doodling faces in it. If it didn't work, feel free to say so. If there are more nays than yays, (yays? XD) I'll take 'em out.

5. And, of course, if there are any grammatical errors, please point them out. I would really appreciate that. =D

In a previous comment, I was told it might be nice to expand the beginning a little more. I'm thinking this is a good idea, but I also like my stories to be kinda brief and get to the nitty gritty quickly. I'm afraid if I don't, I'll lose the readers interest. If there are any suggestions on this, please let me know. =)

Thanks again for taking the time to read this! I hope you enjoyed it. =)
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autumnrailroad Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2012  Hobbyist
The ending is very ironic and the emoticon kind of slams it home. This is amazing.
Thank you so much for reading it and for the kind words! =D
I'm really happy you liked it! :dance:
autumnrailroad Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Hobbyist
:) You're welcome! It's really cool dude! :D
:blush: You're too kind! XD
autumnrailroad Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Hobbyist
hahaha thanks then :P it's just really cool dude :)
steppenfreak Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I liked this story a lot! I think you really captured the child's voice well. I think it sounded very innocent and the narrator's love for their parents (especially their dad, of course) really comes through. I found the beginning a little slow, but the whole premise of the story is very interesting and really pulls you in. I think that by having the child's voice narrating, the story is also more inviting and intriguing, because it's a different take. I think it works very well!

I think the emoticons contribute to the story, and especially the narration. As you said, it makes the whole piece feel more child-like. Personally, however, I found that they made the piece overall feel a little unpolished, and less professional than it could be. That's just my personal opinion though! They definitely create the effect you wanted them to, but I think your writing is good enough to convey that feeling without them too. :D

Awesome work! Really well-written piece, and halfway through I genuinely wondered if it was a non-fiction piece written by a young person! :D
Yay! I'm glad you liked it. =)

I'm glad the child's voice came through. I'll definitely take into consideration your words about the emoticons. I think you're right, they may be a bit much. =P

It made me really happy to hear that you wondered if it was a non-fiction piece. That made my day. =D

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique my story! =D
steppenfreak Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's no problem! Keep up the good work! :D
LokidaWolf Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is one of the darkest stories and tells of such a tragedy, and is one of the most beautiful things i have ever read
Thank so much for your kind words and taking the time to read it. I think this is one of the nicest comments anyone has ever made on my writings.

Have a wonderful day and thank you for the fave too. =)
LokidaWolf Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
your welcome i absolutely love this
ForsakenProdigy Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Pretty good, definitely.
Laugh-Till-You-Bleed Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2011
Thank you very much! =)
Felice173 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Children thinks drugs are sicks. And indeed it really was sickness. Sick of the people in trouble.
Very true. =(
Thank you very much for taking the time to read it.
LaceEntwined Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Wow I almost cried! (I stopped myself cause I'm in the living room with my family). I love the voice this is written in- so genuinely innocent and childlike. The short unvaried sentences and little things like thinking police equals being in trouble, I remember thinking when I was a kid :) The only criticism I would have, maybe elaborate on the beginning (happy times, and transition times) a little more, so we can get a better feel for the situation and characters. Nice writing for something you just thought up at work :D
Thank you so much! Yeah, I do need to work on those two things. XD
Thanks again for taking the time to read it and for the critique. Really appreciate it. =D
LaceEntwined Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're very welcome! :)
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