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literature

Autzen's story ch4 page 40

landonbay's avatar
By landonbay   |   
1 21 681 (1 Today)
Published:
Page 40

Autzen looked at the map while gazing out the window, trying to find Kholerev. Hokuma took his seat and observed Autzen trying to piece things together. "What are you looking for?" Hokuma asked. "Buizel Bui bui (Trying to find Kholerev.)" Autzen claimed. "We are still 3 hours away, you wont be able to see it yet." Hokuma claimed. "Buizel bui bui. (but the map shows it.)" Autzen stated. "But that doesn't mean you'll be able to see it." Hokuma said. "So Autzen, anything good on?" Hokuma asked. Autzen gave the screen a tap and put it onto the re-run of a children's movie. "Well, after this movie, there will be an Hour and 30 minutes left of the trip.." Hokuma stated. "So, relax and watch." Hokuma said and smiled.

After the movie was over. Hokuma turned to Autzen, noticing that he is asleep. Hokuma gently taps his shoulder. "Hey Buddy, we will be flying over the Region's line in 30 minutes, we are not to far away from my Hometown." Hokuma smiled. Autzen wakes up and quickly looks out the window. "I'll let you know when we cross the Regional line." Hokuma claimed. "Ummm.....are you aright?" Hokuma asked as he noticed Autzen had some pain. "Buizel, Bui. (I need, the bathroom.)" Autzen claimed, as he held tightly. "Umm....you are still holding it in?, you know you are wearing a diaper, right?" Hokuma asked. "Buizel Bui! (I don't want too!)" Autzen demanded. "Well, please don't strain yourself, We can try the toilet again if you choose to." Hokuma stated. "Buizel bui bui. (I think that toilet is broken.)" Autzen claimed. "You think it's broken, How?" Hokuma asked. " Buizel Bui bui buizel. (There is no Water in the Toilet, or the sink.)" Autzen claimed. "Autzen.....all Airplane Toilets are like that, because of the fact we have to fly high in the air, the toilet wont work due to the pressure.") Hokuma claims with a face-palm. "Attention Passenger's, we are in Kholerev, we will be landing real soon, so please strap on safety belts, and we'll be descending in a few minutes." the Pilot said over the speakers. "You hear that Autzen, we are in Kholerev now, so, now, we need to strap in." Hokuma said as he straped Autzen in, looking at the window, seeing the desert terrain.

The Airplane bounced as the plane touched the Tarmac. Autzen felt the trill of Landing and witnessing a whole new environment. Autzen is amazed at how everything was different. Hokuma gave Autzen a tap on the shoulder. "Hey, we need to get off now." Hokuma said as he placed Autzen upon his shoulder and walked out of the Airplane and into the Terminal. "Buizel Bui bui? (So, where are the Toilets?)" Autzen asked as he was still from pressure. "You still need the bathroom?" Hokuma asked. "Bui bui (I haven't gone during the flight.)" Autzen said, as he held on tightly. "You..been holding it for 6 hour's?!" Hokuma asked flabbergasted. "Oh, Autzen, that's not a very smart thing to do, why couldn't you just used that diaper?" Hokuma continued to asked. "Buizel bui (I didn't want to.)" Autzen claimed. "Sigh.....you're something else Autzen." Hokuma said. "Well, let's get you to the bathroom, since you think you are too big for diapers." Hokuma said jokingly. "Buizel bui bui, bui (I am too big for them, Im 3.)" Autzen claimed. "And yet, there is a 4 year old Riolu who likes wearing them." Hokuma said with a chuckle. Autzen pouts and looks at Hokuma with a blushy stare. "What?, don't give me that look." Hokuma said laughing. "Buizel bui (that Riolu is my Cousin.)" Autzen stated. "That's interesting, but anyways, we are at the bathroom." Hokuma said as he help Autzen onto a toilet and gave him privacy.

Afterwards, Hokuma brought out Yashin, and bought a Desert shirt as they headed for the Arrival's, Hokuma has all their bags. "Buuuiiiii......(my tummy.......)" Autzen moaned. "You alright friend?" Hokuma asked. "Buizel Bui (My tummy hurts.)" Autzen claimed. "Hehehe.....well, that is what you get for holding it in too long." Hokuma said chuckling. "Buizel bui? (why didn't Yashin fly with us?)" Autzen asked, tilting his head. "Only one Pokemon is allowed per flight, and I wanted you to experience your first Flight." Hokuma said as he gave Autzen's head a pat. Autzen looked to Yashin as he was putting on a desert shirt. "Let's put this on you." Hokuma said as helped place the light to the touch shirt onto Autzen's dense fur. Hokuma walks until he sees his long time friend, Salah, holding up a sign.
© 2013 - 2020 landonbay
Enjoy

Autzen's story belongs to me
Pokemon (C) nintendo
Comments21
anonymous's avatar
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EmperorOkin's avatar
Six hours of holding, that's crazy!

Anyone his age would've easily had an accident before then. X3
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
well, long periods of holding can lead to physical problems
EmperorOkin's avatar
As embarrassing it'd probably would've been for him, it would've been cute if it was too long for him to hold it.  An accident would've been cute though. :3
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
well, not in this story XD
EmperorOkin's avatar
Imagine if it took another hour for the plane to reach it's destination.  Do you think Autzen would've lasted another hour? >:3
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
did you read the next page?
EmperorOkin's avatar
Pretty sure I have, I've at least glanced through all these pages pretty sure.  Why? :3
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
no reason
EmperorOkin's avatar
I know. X3

Sorry, I just find these kind of scenes cute, IMO.
FlareAeon's avatar
FlareAeonHobbyist Traditional Artist
So I see they're in khorlev now. Poor Autzen. =p

It was a very nice addition, though I feel like you transitioned between settings a little too quickly. Like, a few minutes they're here, and then after a few minutes they're there. There's no in-between transition for the reader to smoothly follow them from point A to point B. I think if you use some dialogue or something to indicate that they're traveling from one place to another, then it'll help smoothen it out. 
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
there was a transition actually, taking about 3 pages long, so, the transition was good enough, have you read the previous pages from where you left off?
FlareAeon's avatar
FlareAeonHobbyist Traditional Artist
No, I haven't read the previous chapters, but I think I can just about get what all happened. XP I'll probably read the earlier ones later on.

I'm not talking about across other pages, I'm talking about like, this page itself. Like, when they're watching the movie. It just starts with Autzen watching the movie, and then in the beginning of the second paragraph, Autzen apparently fell asleep during the movie, but there's no detail as to like, what the movie is about, why Autzen likes it, or how he fell asleep in the first place. He just instantly falls asleep, see what I'm saying? There's no in-between to the next action. 

For example, if you had said:

Autzen gave the screen a tap and put it onto the re-run of a children's movie that was about a lopunny who snuck into people's gardens. "Well, after this movie, there will be an Hour and 30 minutes left of the trip.." Hokuma stated. "So, relax and watch." Hokuma said and smiled. Autzen sat in the chair and watched the movie for a bit. Eventually after about 40 minutes into the movie, he started to feel his eyelids get heavy and his head started nodding. He struggled to stay awake for the movie, even though he had already seen it. But before he knew it, in the single blink of an eye, he had dozed off. 

^Here, I added the parts that were underlined. This would be a good example of good transition. It helps make sense of what's going on, it evens out the pace, and even expresses more details about the setting and Autzen, and it makes the second paragraph make a lot more sense, rather than "Oh, Autzen is watching a movie, okay...wait what? When did he fall asleep?" That's what I get when I read that. 

I'm not trying to tell you how to write your story, I'm just trying to give constructive criticism, because you're writing skills are already good, they just could use some fine tuning. 
FlareAeon's avatar
FlareAeonHobbyist Traditional Artist
*your writing skills are already good

Gosh my grammar is sucking today haha. 
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
sound like you are not in your game either X3
FlareAeon's avatar
FlareAeonHobbyist Traditional Artist
Eh. XD
But do you get what I said in the other comment? XP I'm sure if you asked others they'd say something similar. =p
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
sure, but it is only traveling, it is nothing special :P
FlareAeon's avatar
FlareAeonHobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh no, every moment in a story is special, especially to your readers! :3 That's why you have to make it as detailed and interesting as possible! You don't have to stretch it out too much, but going into detail lets your reader visualize what your characters are seeing and where they're going, what's around them, and what their environment looks like. It lets them smell what your characters are smelling, see what your characters are seeing, it activates the senses. That's why I'm saying you should go into more detail and have more smooth transitions in your writing, because it engages the reader, and answers questions they might have. 
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TheRPMKid's avatar
TheRPMKidHobbyist Writer
That landing feeling NEVER gets old.
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
I know
TheRPMKid's avatar
TheRPMKidHobbyist Writer
G-forces.
landonbay's avatar
landonbayHobbyist General Artist
yeah
anonymous's avatar
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