I just had some thoughts rolling around in my head for the last few weeks and I wanted to put them down somewhere, and thought here was okay.
Self-esteem is not something you just have. I feel it's a carefully built and reinforced wall we work at all of our lives, if we choose to. Some people start with a more sturdy wall, others choose to never improve their own and continue to be treated like dirt while expecting everyone else to fix it for them.
My self-esteem has been trash since I was a kid (thank you bullying class mates) and I've never had the confidence to stand up for myself. However, at nearly 30, I find myself starting to grow up and feel like an adult and take control.
Partly, this happened because I didn't have a choice. I take care of myself. I'm proud that I can pay my own bills, even though my student loans sometimes seem overwhelming. I never anticipated my life changing in the way it has would have given me more confidence, but it has.
I've cleaned out a lot of garbage literally and figuratively. I've surrounded myself with people who love me for me, who want to see me built up and not brought down.
I am LadySiha and I am beautiful.
These are words that all of my life I've not felt comfortable flat out saying. While I'd admit I am attractive, I'd never use those words.
To be fair, I owe my beauty to my parents. Especially to my mom who, as I get older, the rest of my family tells me I look more and more like her. I also owe it to my sister as well as my mom (once again) who taught me how to make the most of it. How to use and enjoy make-up. How to dress myself and make myself feel pretty for myself and not for the benefit of anyone else. Right now I live thinking this way every day and it makes me feel so good.
I am LadySiha and I will take control of my life.
I don't want anyone else making my decisions, or influencing me in way that are negative. I don't want people bringing me down and making me feel like garbage, especially when I've grown so much in the last 6 months. I won't stop being who I am, won't stop cosplaying, and won't stop being an artist. I will do what makes me happy, and I'm sure that means my future will be the one I hope for.
I am LadySiha and I will be a registered nurse.
Yeah, I figure that's a crazy thought to throw out on here, but it's important. My previously shattered confidence matters here, too. Fears of I won't be good enough or I'll slip up and hurt someone have been holding me back. I refuse to be held back anymore.
I got my BSN 6 years. The nursing program at the university I went to was the most difficult program that was offered. While my grades weren't the best (because the grading scale was so difficult) I would have graduated with honors in other programs. I passed my boards on the first try. I just renewed my license this February. By the next time I re-new I will be working in my field.