A rather long while...
depression has a way of getting it's grips on you and it don't help when you have pea brain doctors that don't want to take anything you tell them seriously. I keep telling them I have depression that I’ve lost interest in doing a lot of things I use to enjoy, like art, writing, some games, etc. Lot of days I feel like just staying in bed and often I do, I wake up, and just end up rolling over to go back to sleep. I try to stay happy and cheerful to those I’m around, I try and start projects but I keep falling back to the same mindset that ‘I’m going to mess something up’ and just stop bothering to continue. I have a project I’m working on right now that I am fighting with myself to keep going, but I end up wasting days on a small part that could take maybe an hour or do to complete. It’s frustrating but I can’t push through it.
Do you think my doctor will send me to see someone about this? Maybe get me on something that may help? No… so I’m stuck with dealing with it all on my own.
Though truthfully? I might not have depression if I can find fucking doctors that know there head from there ass. I mean seriously, I’ve had Psoriatic arthritis sense I was 14 years old… yes 14!
“The concept of psoriatic arthritis (PsA) has evolved considerably over the past decade from that of a relatively obscure, mild joint disease to that of a prevalent, complex, potentially disabling musculoskeletal syndrome. In addition, patients with psoriasis or PsA are now recognized to be at increased risk for a spectrum of comorbidities, including obesity, metabolic syndrome, diabetes mellitus, and cardiovascular disease.
Although PsA is considered a member of the spondyloarthropathies, spine involvement generally is overshadowed by symptoms and signs in the peripheral joints (Figure 1). In fact, a growing body of evidence has demonstrated that PsA is an aggressive disease that often leads to peripheral joint damage, associated functional decline, and impaired quality of life.”
Mmm Hmm… For me it started in my damn knee, but doctors didn’t want to diagnose someone that age with arthritis even through my parents had there suspicions, so it was always “Oh you just pilled this, or sprained that, take over the counter meds and the pain will go away.” Now don’t get me wrong, doctors back then didn’t know the same we do now, even today Psoriatic Arthritis is still very rare in children, and even if they have it the signs of it don’t often start showing until later in life. Everyone is different in when it starts getting bad enough to be noticeable and even then it can be missed. So while it still piss’s me off, I can’t fully falt the doctors back then for not picking up the signs.
But as the years went on it started effecting other joints, by collage I went from running to class’s, jogging upstairs to having to walk the halls and use the elevator as it became harder and more painful to walk and get around. I also had Psoriasis for nearly as long but it started in my scalp so wasn’t noticed until it started forming elsewhere in my late 20's, outside me having a rather itchy head and a lot of ‘dandruff’. Today over 30% of my body is covered, from my head to my hands to my feet and even the crack of my ass (oh how I wish that was a joke x.x).
It was also during collage that I found a rheumatologist that did properly treat me for my PsA, referred by an ER doctor after I had fallen and cracked my elbow on a tile floor (we thought it may have been broken); there X-rays picked up not a break, but dense joint damage. Though the rheumatologist was worried over the damage that my joints already had and was the one that told me the pain I felt starting at age 14 was very likely the first signs. I had full body x-rays done and it showed a good number of joints already effected, some areas worse than others like those on my left side, others had signs but I didn't feel it yet. So with the proper treatment for a time I was doing good… there’s no cure for this, but treatment can slow or even stop the damage being done.
But due to thing’s I won’t get into again that turned my life upside down causing me to move and that means new doctors it all started going down hill.
Why is it so hard to get a primary doctor to get you referrals to the specialists you need? Even with your medical documents?! Even with your bottles of meds to show you were indeed on this and that?! I mean my last primary doctor was so stupid and clueless, that when I told her I had psoriatic arthritis (PsA), that my not easy at all to hide seeing how it’s also on my FACE Psoriasis should give a damn clue to me having, thought it was wise to run a test for rheumatoid arthritis (RA)… The issue?
Tests for rheumatoid arthritis will not pick up psoriatic arthritis, and because my doctor was an idiot and tested me for RA when I told her I had PsA the tests came back negative and she bluntly told me that I didn’t have arthritis at all, and that the pain was likely all due to... my... weight...
She blamed my WEIGHT, for the pain in my joints, for my decreasing mobility, for why some of my joints like my left elbow was not able to flex or bend fully anymore, for why my ankles are starting to ‘fuse’. Well I’m SORRY but even if had fucking anorexia I would still be in pain and hardly able to walk as my joints are FUCKING FUCKED.
You think it’s fun struggling for years just to get up from a chair? Or even out of bed? To walk from one room to the other in your home? To wait for a ‘good day’ that you MIGHT be able to go out and do the shit you need like go to the store or even have a damn life?! To need the use of a WALKER if you’re planning to go further than the front yard?! To need to use an ankle brace for one leg that has gotten so bad that any kind of uneven ground can nearly bring you to your knees in tears?!
Now it’s ALL made worse by fucking asshole doctors that can’t look past my WEIGHT! I’ve only been big for the last 8 years! WHAT ABOUT BEFORE THEN HUH? What about all the fucking pain, joint inflammation, and BS sense I was 14 HUH?!
“In addition, patients with psoriasis or PsA are now recognized to be at increased risk for a spectrum of comorbidities, including obesity, metabolic syndrome, diabetes mellitus, and cardiovascular disease.”
Yes, that is right, obesity and metabolic syndrome, aided by the loss of mobility as our bones erode and even fuse together, as ligaments become inflamed and tight causing movement restriction and pain as scar tissue fills the space. So on top of all the other BS, I also have to put up with going out in public and having people stare at me or calling out insults thinking I must be some lazy fat ass that can’t stop eating. And fuck anyone that think's diet is enough to keep one's weight in check.
So thanks to my last primary being a clueless baboon that wanted to blame my weight for all my joint pain because they did the wrong tests, I couldn’t see a specialist (rheumatologist) for my PsA. But they let me go see a dermatologist (specialist in skin, hair and nail diseases) for my Psoriasis! Who THEN after seeing me went over my primary’s head (after I told them what my primary fucked up on) to send in a referral for me to see a rheumatologist that I badly needed only to then have my medical insurance after the first visit they approved say fuck you, you don’t need this after all… WTF?! All thanks to my primary doing the wrong fucking test to start with!
So I am back at square one. The rheumatologist I was given bless him was stunned when I showed him the denied papers from my insurance and the reason WHY I was denied that he saw me for free after that and treated me with ‘free samples’ to hold me over for the next 5 months as who knows how long it will take to get a new primary (because fuck if I’m staying with such a clueless IDIOT), get the appointment, go through all the tests, and then HOPEFULLY get new referrals.. He also told me he would go over and inform that fucking fool (my words, not his) of the big fuck up (my words, not his) they did.
Oh don’t get me started on how I was born with a hole in my heart, have a family history of heart disease and have a high risk for it myself, and that a possible mermer was detected but I still couldn’t get my doctor to send me to a fucking cardiologist! That’s a WHOLE other rant.
Gee wonder why I’m depressed and have time’s where I couldn’t care less if I woke up the next day or not?
Want to see something scary? Do a google IMAGE search for "Psoriatic Arthritis" and "Psoriasis" just to see what I have had to put up with and what is getting worse thanks to some of the idiot doctors I've had.