The Ultimate Flame Form 2003

Dear:
[ ] Horny Teenager
[ ] Horny Old Man
[ ] Horny Old Woman
[ ] Clueless n00b
[ ] Clueless Veteran
[ ] Chronic Spammer
[ ] Jealous Scumbag
[ ] Johnny or Jenny Do-Gooder
[ ] Menace to Society
[ ] Wannabe hacker
[ ] Stupid thread starter
[ ] Stupid thread reviver
[ ] Brainless sheep
[ ] Clever Bastard
[ ] Jack the Ripper
[ ] Troll under my bridge
[ ] Anti-social alien
[ ] Whiny Biatch
[ ] Annoying Boaster
[ ] Ignorant Asshole
[ ] Pompous Asswipe
[ ] Fruit of my loins
[ ] Error of God
[ ] Deviant Stalker
[ ] Disturbing Psychotic
[ ] Wannabe sex god
[ ] Amateur Wrestler
[ ] sub-human mystery of nature

You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You posted a “MY COUNTRY RULEZ” message
[ ] You posted an “I’M SO SEXY” message
[ ] You posted a “WHY DON’T PEOPLE COMMENT ON MY WORK” message
[ ] You posted an “EVERYBODY SUCKS” message
[ ] You posted a “DEVIANTART SUCKS” message
[ ] You’ve posted in the wrong forum
[ ] You’ve posted in the wrong thread
[ ] You revived a long dead thread
[ ] You started a thread which has been done 6.3 million times already
[ ] You posted a shot of your ass and it made Daily Deviation
[ ] You are not being sufficiently abusive
[ ] You are rambling
[ ] You don’t know what the hell you just said
[ ] You are sucking up to an admin
[ ] You are flaming an admin
[ ] You post “ROFL” continually in reply to a popular deviant’s jokes in order to get noticed
[ ] You change your personality ever other week
[ ] You are not “The One”
[ ] You have attempted to eat me with a spork
[ ] You are an amateur at playing God
[ ] You are racist
[ ] You are sexist
[ ] I pity the fool!
[ ] We know all your secrets
[ ] You thought that Battlefield Earth was a good movie
[ ] You thought that Michael Jackson wasn’t an alien
[ ] We refuse to refer to you as “Big Poppa Smurf”
[ ] You organised a revolt against the Kalimon Revolution involving headless chickens
[ ] Your post has more typos than a blind typewriting monkey on dope
[ ] You are the stupidest person here
[ ] Your deviation has been done a million times before
[ ] You ripped someone and claimed that they ripped you
[ ] You posted porn to get pageviews
[ ] You proclaimed my deviations to be “pr0n” to get some attention and chum up with the admins
[ ] Your clever spamming has not gone unnoticed
[ ] You have attempted to perform sexual acts on a Batty
[ ] You posted a “genital herpes is better than diarrhoea” thread on a forum dedicated to young mothers
[ ] Bambi didn’t die!
[ ] You have been previously banned
[ ] I flamed your punk ass once but you keep coming for more
[ ] You have angered jark and all hell has broken loose
[ ] You have angered the Collective Rectum
[ ] You have constipated the Collective Rectum
[ ] You have caused the Collective Rectum to get the runs
[ ] The VD clinic is next door
[ ] The glue factory is next door
[ ] The Job Centre is next door

To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Kiss my ass
[ ] Kiss your own ass after applying Preparation H
[ ] Watch jark and the admins break dancing for 5 consecutive hours to the beat of System of a Down’s “Chop Suey”
[ ] Actually post something in English we can all understand
[ ] Read my fucking post
[ ] Hook up with a horny old man
[ ] Hook up with a horny old woman
[ ] Make love to a rhinoceros wearing only swimming goggles
[ ] If male, change your name to Chesty for a week
[ ] If female, change your name to Butch for a week
[ ] Cover yourself in mayonnaise and perform the full YMCA dance naked during horsefly season
[ ] Help probe jark’s abductees with a small, scaly stick
[ ] Revive the Forum Coalition
[ ] Join the Church of Anus
[ ] Join me in holy matrimony
[ ] Wear only S&M accessories and walk into Starbucks
[ ] Prove the moon landing to be a hoax
[ ] Get a reality check
[ ] Get a guard dog because I’m coming over to open a can
[ ] Get a girlfriend/boyfriend
[ ] Get a job, if possible, overseas
[ ] Get a life, if possible, human
[ ] Poke a sleeping bear
[ ] Watch 5 consecutive hours of a reality tv show
[ ] Expel yourself from the Collective Rectum in a mere 0.14 seconds
[ ] Stuff wieners down your pants during a drugs search involving German Shepards in heat
[ ] Dress up as a gorilla and go to the jungle during mating season
[ ] Rub the Collective Rectum with lubricant during diarrhoea season
[ ] Kiss the Collective Rectum with lubricant during diarrhoea season
[ ] Tell Al Gore that he seriously needs to get laid
[ ] Pretend you are divine and form a suicide cult consisting of squirrels
[ ] Run while I get my sniper rifle
[ ] Code a virus that polls my userpage 10 000 times a day
[ ] Catalogue all of kalimon’s posts in reverse alphabetical order, twice.
[ ] Create a new deviantART mascot by making love to Fella and name it Bebee
[ ] Stand in the middle of Roswell wearing tin foil shouting “Take me!”
[ ] Stop watching animal sex on the Discovery Channel
[ ] Use the fucking brain God gave you
[ ] Shoot yourself with the fucking gun I gave you
[ ] Attempt to decipher the riddle of how the Collective Rectum got hemorrhoids

Copyright 2002-2003 kronix© Publications. Disclaimer:

Contributions: kalimon, sasso, amphex.
Thanks to dygel for giving me the idea.