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:iconthousandshining:
thousandshining Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
This was an awesome read, soulbro. Went through the whole thing over two days' worth of lunch breaks at college.

The fact I'm a Girl's Love fangirl has absolutely nothing to do with this. Nope. Not at all.

Keep up the great work.
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:iconkriegsaffeno9:
KriegsaffeNo9 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2010
I try, I try~

If you've got any in-depth commentary to make, make it now, as I'm writing the revamp as we speak. Expanded character moments, greater coherency, and better-timed infodumps are involved, and I need to know what needs work.
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:iconthousandshining:
thousandshining Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I couldn't say. Don't have enough experience to make any useful observations. I do remember the narrative using certain characters' full names instead of their nicknames at a certain point, and being thrown off by that, but otherwise...

Sorry I can't be of much help. Um, you can haz a fangirl instead? :'D
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:iconkriegsaffeno9:
KriegsaffeNo9 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2010
Fangirl is totally fine by me~

Do tell what you liked, since that helps me out too.
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:iconthousandshining:
thousandshining Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
Lessee. The action sequences impressed me, if only for the fact I'm incapable of writing action sequences myself... the dialogue was very telling, moreso than the narrative at times, which's I also adored... hmm... you handle third person omniscient beautifully, which is what I find most admirable out of everything.

I, uh, can't think of anything particularly intelligent to gush about. Lol. If you let me carry on, I'll just start fantarding over the characters, so we'd best cut me off here. :'D
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:iconkriegsaffeno9:
KriegsaffeNo9 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2010
Oh no, feel free to fantard. Being a narcissist I can never get enough of this (and it once more tells me what works best and catches peoples' attention).
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:iconthousandshining:
thousandshining Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
I just realized how badly I flubbed the last comment, lol. Seriously? All the gushy BS is pretty idiosyncratic, so I don't think it would help you learn much about your target audience.

If you're curious anyway, well, I love how you portray the women characters involved in GL subplots. I wibbled on the inside when I realized you'd managed to sidestep the stereotypical GL dynamics and character types. (Anter and Lyl are love.)

TBH, I feared Pom would end up portrayed as a 'female man' just 'cause she's the 'butch' to Shell's 'femme'. Many GL writers (no doubt influenced by OOC fanwork) turn the more masculine partner into a dude with breasts; that you managed to make her rough n' tough without ruining her female charm is delightful. It also speaks to your skill.

On an even less relevant note, I'm weak for Ingrid. Rrrowr. As far as I'm concerned, she's the book's Ensemble Darkhorse -- though skanky ol' Fitz cuts a close second. Not that I miss her or anything. :'D

Have I mentioned my fiery adoration for Casse yet? No? Well, I love her with the blazing passion of a thousand suns. For serious. I've got a soft spot for tragic heroines with a stiff upper lip (I believe the trope here's Stoic Woobie?) Her strength is inspiring, and her pain? Ohgod I don't even have a maternal streak, and her backstory pulls at my heartstrings.

At risk of sounding sexist: Casse's family's murder at the hands of Wasps is such a beautifully female motivation for her to [spoiler omitted]. Again, I love this story portrays the strength of women, and (somewhat) explores its nature as compared to that of men.

... Should I be quiet now? I feel like my IQ drops 10pts for every paragraph of mindless gushery. LOL.
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:iconkriegsaffeno9:
KriegsaffeNo9 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2010
This has actually been very helpful, since it confirms that I've avoided a few of my own fears--namely that the heroines involved were badass at the expense of coming off as guys with lady-parts, and that either the spiders were sympathetic OR the wasps OR they all came off as psychopaths with thin Freudian excuses.

It also confirms that my readers love the Casse as much as I love writing her, so she's going to be one of the co-main-characters in the revision. Fun fact, originally she was going to be a minor companion who later revealed her spidery nature and back-stabbed everyone else, and Aaren a one-off distraction for Pom to show off at, but they both wound up being critical components of the story, moreso even in Part 1 than the ostensible protagonists. If this were Lord of the Rings, Shell and Pom would be Frodo and Sam, and Casse would be the Neutral Evil (but well-meaning) lady-Aragorn.

There was a conscious effort on my part to avoid GL stereotypes because there are so, so many more interesting character types to pair up than "butch/femme." There's echoes of it, I suppose (and one might argue that Lyl/Anter are femme/femme) but I didn't want the usual "fainting Ingenue meets tall dark and bishoujou to almost-kiss" plot. Moreover, since Shell and Pom's relationship was just beginning and might be ambiguous, I tried to place Trochanter and Marlyl as being truly in love with each other after years of quiet pining and friendship in part because I hate, hate, hate the "bait and switch lesbian" trope and showing two grown women whose love endures in spite of outside pressure would make plain I wasn't going to back out.

That and Shell's two moms are just adorable together, aren't they.

What I'd like to know, though, is how the plot carries out. My big concern with the plot is that it's basically Part 1: Shell and Pom meet, Casse is dark and mysterious; 2: Shell and Pom travel, Casse is mysterious and angsty; Part 3: Doop de doo, HOLY SHIT WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT. In other words, not so much rising action as much as "everything happens in the third part what isn't character interaction, and about 2/3rds of the important non-hero's-party characters are introduced right then and there."

My current plan for revision is thus: to make Part 1 Part 2 and write an entirely new, non-Shell-and-Pom-centric Act 1 set thirteen years before and focusing on the adults before introducing the kids in the new Act 2 and thus make their importance plain.

On that note... feel free to gush a little more if you like, and see if you can't ask a few questions about what you'd like to see of our heroes' pasts.
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