Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
Content: Length and some language...

I don't really post new journals much anymore but I feel like its time for one.  Its been about 4 years since I made my last career transition. I guess you could say 3 years since 2014 I was mostly in flux and don't remember most of it.  I discovered a lot of things about art and the way I work during 2014. And a lot of it is bad. I wasn't really all there. Something in me in just gave out. Of course there were lots of things stressing me in my life personal and professional that helped push me there, the same thing that pretty much all of us deal with. But something was on top of it that wasn't allowing me to cope and it spilled over into my professional life. Badly. It showed to my employers and to myself.  I was ready to just give it up and go...somewhere. I didn't deserve success and I still fight with allowing myself to be successful. I was in petty bad shape. I posted about some of it on a pic and got some comforting responses, but I couldn't reply.  I felt ashamed because I was fucked and was always able to handle it myself until then.

I severed ties with a lot of people. Some undeservingly so. I was afraid I was going to lash out or people I respect and care about would see what was going on and that thought was cringeworthy to me. But it was pretty apparent all along for those that mattered. I became obsessive with things (and people) that didn't matter and allowed important shit to fade into the background. 

I spent several years turning into this person that resorted to paper. Problems were rationalized in journals. I over analyzed myself into this person who calculated every thought and move I made and it affected my art. Art triggers bothered me because I couldn't perform, so I read shit from dead Romans, math and music theory because it was safe. I wrote more than I sketched last year. I never share writing anymore like I used to, I feel too vulnerable. But for what? I give too many fucks. I've disconnected from people over so long while keeping up the necessary image enough that people around me wouldn't pry. Everything became neutral. No high or low. Just...there. Most of the work I was producing under stress. Half of it while intoxicated ...and not for good reasons. 

Things got a little better recently. Money helps maybe. A steady job while I untie some knots. Yeah that helps. But something else just clicked lately and I'm not sure what. I just know I bought a laptop and went home for a while. Just forgot about everything and reset a bit. Realized I hadn't seen family or just enjoyed friends in several years.

I decided to become full-time freelancer for the foreseeable future while working on personal projects again. I'm selling all of my crap that I have left and just being a free agent in home and work. I may get a workspace to use between traveling. Im a few months in and I think it was the right decision. It is harder professionally for someone who struggles socially, but I need the discipline I used to have and somehow it makes my personal work more rewarding. I think I can grow from it and it'll force me to put myself out there more. I'm hoping... 

As far as art goes. I have several things I'd like to do, but I won't waste time talking about it. I just hope to be productive and enjoy producing for myself again. Its been a while but I kind of feel it coming back lately. If I can feel happy and proud of that then I know I can return there professionally again. 
Add a Comment:
 
:iconfenrysk-art:
fenrysk-art Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Hold your head high, Kelley. You are powerful and wonderful. I look forward to seeing and hearing your reports of progress and new work in the near future. 
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2015  Professional General Artist
You're a good dude, thanks for commenting. Things are indeed looking up. It just takes time. <3
Reply
:iconarbiterofelegance:
arbiterofelegance Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2015
Dear fellow pilgrim,

You have a special gift.

A talent that's being perfected and forged into something great through your daily sacrifice and hard work.
Kiss the cross you bear daily, have faith and be hopeful, for all who persevere through times of darkness are rewarded in due time with the inevitable dawn and resurrection.

The world - yes, we need your art.

For it's the flower in the barren desert.
The cool breeze in the summer.
The fresh morning dew in springtime.

Through your art, through your gifts when you dare to share them, we find inspiration, it stokes the embers of our weary faith and awakens our eyes to see beauty in the unsightly, the gem of truth among lies, to believe in all things that are wholesome and good in an otherwise fallen world.

So fight the good fight fellow artist,
I anticipate with great hope many more years of your amazing works of art!

Wishing you the very best for the rest of the year :0)
Reply
:iconwrigglybear:
Wrigglybear Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2015  Student Digital Artist
Hey, I haven't really got any wise words or anything as remotely as helpful as some kind others but I really wish you the strength to get through it.

I had a similar burnout/breakdown last year and I was really not in a good place at all . Eventually I had to do as you said and just 'reset'. Went home and just appreciated something that was familiar and that I understood - which has helped me a lot actually. I don't know, but it helped me to try and straighten out coherent thoughts than leave some miserable ambiguous mess up there.. Which I suppose is easier said than done. I reintroduced a lot of stability in my life and am simply pushing forward from there. 

Alas, I really do wish you the best in working through whatever it is you're going through. I've followed you for some time and you possess one of my most favourite and beautiful styles I've come across. It's soft and it flows and it dances, always leaving me happier than I was before hand. 
Reply
:iconkidokaproject:
kidokaproject Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2015
heyy, haven't heard from you in a while but I'm glad to hear that things have gotten even at least a little better!

I remember you weren't getting much you time at all in the occasions we chatted, and I'm sure that can really burn out a person.
Just keep swimming! And you'll definitely get there. It's hard when you don't have a direction, but if you know where you wanna go, you'll definitely find the steps to reach that point.

and yeaaa i think money definitely helps :'D something steady gives me the opportunity to work on personal art whenever I want to... and i think I'm really lucky for that. Otherwise with my level of art compared to where I want to be, if I didn't have an income, I'd be soo terribly stressed out lol... 

where you around these days? I'm working up in SF now, a couple blocks away from Ubin, Nicc, and the crew. We should catch up some time : ]
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2015  Professional General Artist
Jessica?! Oh its good to hear from you. I've actually been LIVING with Nicc at Savepoint but I'm leaving in about two.5 weeks. Ill be back in CA in a few months however.  I won't be permanently stationed anywhere for a few months as Ill be bouncing about visiting family and friends. I could end up in LA or somewhere else later on this year if a better offer pops up. Just for now I really just want to get out of the bay. While I like it, its not a home for me and I've struggled considering it such for a while. 

I'm glad you commented so I can keep up with what you're working on!  
Reply
:iconkidokaproject:
kidokaproject Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2015
lool yup it's me!

aha, yea, i knew you were living with him and a buncha peeps~ ubin says your room looks awesome.
oh man, do you have time to say hi before you leave? :o Since I am in SF after all!

Definitely keep in touch >u<!
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2015  Professional General Artist
Do you live in SF now also? Im probably going to go down to visit Ubin. I need to get out of the city once before i head out.
Reply
:iconkidokaproject:
kidokaproject Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2015
Nope, I don't live there, but I work in SF and it's a long ass daily commute haha :'D 
Reply
:icongaleforcerin:
GaleforceRin Featured By Owner Edited Jan 17, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm really glad things are improving for you.  And most importantly that you're starting to make artwork for yourself again.  True personal work that isn't for anyone but yourself.

I felt a lot of pressure to adhere to certain image, a certain kind of artist, in fear that all of my peers would judge me as a failure and a quitter if I didn't shape myself to that specific mold.  I'm sure some of them probably will when they eventually learn that I'm switching career-tracks.  But the last year - in all its pain, anguish, and horror - taught me that I will never love art more than I will when I'm creating it purely for myself and my own enjoyment.  Not for an art director. Not for a company.  Not for a portfolio.  Just me and what I want to make - even if it's dumb bullshit that no professional in a high end company will want or love.

I've started to want to draw in a sketchbook and on the computer, truly want, for the first time in years.  And it's all because I'm finally no longer giving a shit about what everyone else thinks.  I don't care what art they want or what art they respect.  I only care about the art I want to see from myself, the style choices and colors and options I want to see in my own work -- and the thought of creating things has never been more exciting and liberating before until now.

I hope you eventually find this place too and learn to love both yourself and your artwork because it is beautiful and you deserve to be able to embrace it again.
Reply
:icondarkblack315:
DarkBlack315 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2015  Hobbyist Artist
Baby steps and finish strong is my motto 
Some of my best work is when i dont want to do it and that not just art related
you will get through this
Storms are there to pass not to stay  good luck and  never quit
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thank you. 
Reply
:iconjuuhanna:
juuhanna Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Good luck with all that, I hope the change will help you get back on track with art-related stuff, and that you'll be able to shake off all unnecessary past burdens and worries. It's good to change pace every now and then..
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2015  Professional General Artist
Definitely can agree. Thanks. =)
Reply
:iconcasimilin:
Casimilin Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015
Once you figure out something's not working you are able to make a change. I can relate to trying to appear more in control than you really are, it's hard to think that people might be feeling sorry for you or stop trusting in you because they don't understand what's going. It's happened to me, but the best you can do is open up to them, let them know what you are going through and receive some love and comfort to regain strength. I'm glad that you are making changes to live more happily, best of lucks :heart:                                                                                         
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thanks. =)
Reply
:iconseedz:
seedz Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Wow. Sorry to hear of your troubles and glad to hear you are working them out. I haven't commented on much of your work but have watched from afar. You are a super talented artist and I hope your life turns around for good.

Cheers and good luck. Positive thoughts coming your way.
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thanks. And no worries. I lurk a lot because it could be a full time job commenting on everything I like. 
Reply
:iconseedz:
seedz Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
i hear that.

cheers
Reply
:iconvielmond:
vielmond Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
The more weight you put on your work worse it'll be when you can't perform well for some reason. You suffered a burnout, and it's especially sad when it turns something you loved into a source of suffering. Then you fled. But it's all right.

Be kind to yourself, and learn to understand yourself. You're not unworthy because you're not the very best artist of the world. You're not a con because you need to look at references to keep working, or you're not "fast enough", or whatever troubles you. Accept it and make the best of it. If you work better taking, let's say, a 2 day break from an artwork to start to forget it and make better decisions then include it in your workflow, don't fight yourself, look for creative ways of dealing with your strongest and weakest points instead, e.g.: Start rotating between works, etc. Cherish every improvement you make and don't fret about doing the technically perfect artwork every single time. You won't, and that doesn't lessen the value or the beauty of it in any way.

I realize I'm sounding pretentious and even cheesy, with the aggravator that I'm a complete stranger; it's just that those things seem to happen to all of us in some way. I recognize the guilt, and staying on the verge of doing a big fuck up in your career, of letting people down, the fear, the pressure, the shame, the flight. If anything I might have worse reactions than you, I mean, I simply freeze! Only when I stopped being ridiculously harsh on myself and started to understand what I need something changed, the pieces began to fall into place. Not that I don't fuck up, not that I became perfect, I just began to feel... content with who I am, satisfied with my work despite all the flaws, mostly in peace. It's unlike anything I used to feel.

P.s.: Money definitely helps hehe. Removing that horrible shadow looming over your life—the constant worry about making enough to live—surely gives some respite. (:
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
No worries about being a stranger. I  think other artists are a few steps above that though.  You bring up a lot of good points. Especially the little doubts and things that used to plague me about the work I produce. For once over say the last 3 years I got over a lot of them only to have more personal things become the barrier. 

You don't sound pretentious or cheesy. You sound realistic, which is something I value when getting stuck inside my own head.

Thanks a lot for your words.
Reply
:iconpainted-bees:
painted-bees Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I think too many of us know this feeling, on varying levels of severity, so you'll definitely find compassion among peers. You can absolutely work with this, because you're a pretty fantastic human being. I'm rooting for you, boss! Wishing you plenty of good fortune, health and wellness!
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thanks lady. I thought about you the other day when I was  considering commenting. I wish you well. =)
Reply
:iconkathrynlayno:
kathrynlayno Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
I've been going through something like this too. I hope you find that happy space soon. <:
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
Hey, sorry to hear you're going through that also. I'm getting back to normal but if you ever want to chat it up, I'm here. ^^
Reply
:iconkathrynlayno:
kathrynlayno Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thanks. <: I appreciate it very much.
Reply
:iconnervene:
nervene Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015
It sounds like you were stuck in a rut and are gradually finding a way out. I've been stuck in my own for too long; feeling guilty about who I am and constantly trying to push away the acceptance that I will never become 'someone'. On top of this: bizarre, irrational, and unrelated worries (probably brought on by the internal smog of the aforementioned things). Know that you're not the only one who can get stuck inside of your head, and that there are people who, perhaps not exactly, but in some sense could probably grasp the atmosphere of what you may be going through.

It's a new year, tabula rasa. Not that the position of the Earth around the sun really has anything to do with being able to clear your mind.
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
Heeey! Its one of those people I mentioned!

So seriously... I think I was stuck in a rut completely maybe even before things went further south. Its been a while since we've spoken but if its similar to what we've discussed before I think I can clearly relate in a way. I don't want to claim to understand more than I actually do. 

And yeah, new year has always been a little silly to me but I can't be a cynic about everything, haha.

I truly hope you are doing well. I peeked into your gallery and I'm astonished dude! Im sad you mentioned the comment about being someone when its obvious you stand pretty well on your own.  Im gonna go back and comment on some stuff when I'm not flu headed. 
Reply
:iconnervene:
nervene Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2015
It's okay, I was confused about what happened for a while and didn't really know what to feel, mostly thinking I said something wrong; but eventually I decided that it was probably something bigger that I didn't know about, and that if someone resorts to strong distancing then trying to close the distance will only stress them more (that's at least how it works for me when I do it).

I think the thing with 'being someone' is just a matter of having abysmal self-esteem but still setting very high standards for myself which I rarely meet, then I get depressed for not meeting them and self-esteem/confidence goes even lower, etc. etc. downward spiral ensues. Any time I start acknowledging that there are objective reasons for why I am where I am now - some (but not all) beyond my control - I start to blame myself for coming up with excuses. It's like I have my own personal flock of assholes in my head that criticize me when I'm already down for not being something better than human.

I'm still here, though, if you ever need to talk.
Reply
:iconsalamislim:
SalamiSlim Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't know what you are dealing with, but I wish for you the strength to persevere, and hope that you are able to be settled into a lifestyle that makes you content. Just remember that success isn't always measured in dollars or talent, but sometimes just in whether or not you can be happy with where you are or where you're going. Best of luck to you.
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
Im figuring that out a lot lately. Your words are helpful. 
Reply
:iconkokorvesa:
Kokorvesa Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Hobbyist
Here you go buddy, a fresh start. Be happy.
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
:w00t: hahaha, thanks!
Reply
:icongreensprite:
GreenSprite Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015
I wish I could hug you! I relate to a lot of that, keeping bad feelings under wraps and trying to appear "fine" so as to not to put off or scare people. And eventually pushing them away myself when it becomes too difficult to maintain the facade. And then, of course, wondering why I don't have any friends and everything sucks and why do I fuck everything up.

Anyway. I'm glad you're doing better now :) I hope you will find your balance soon, and enjoy everything more. :orange:
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
Awww thanks. Your words are always so positive and upbeat whenever I see them haha. I really appreciate it.
Reply
:icononitonari:
onitonari Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015
I wish you a joy and inspiration :) (Smile) 
Reply
:iconkrhart:
krhart Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2015  Professional General Artist
Thank you ^^
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconkrhart: More from krhart


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
January 16, 2015
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
2,163
Favourites
0
Comments
37
×