Sorry for being away for a long period of time again. I'm still not quite back. I just had to vent this out. I've been turning so much sadness and pain that others have hurt me, inward, instead of doing i dunno what... I'm sorry that you all have to see me like this. I still haven't recovered 100% back to my normal self yet from being taken off of anti-depressants. And it just seems that every time I try to kill some time by playing games, and putting trust in others, and sharing fun like true friends would, I just keep getting burned and betrayed. I even gave up looking for true love. It's just torn me up. But I just stopped caring. The more I care, the more I get hurt. So if i stop caring, I'll stop getting hurt, right? Then again, i'm smart enough or stupid enough to not give in to that notion... It's just me crying for help.... I suppose...
I've just had such a hard time trying to adjust to new neighborhoods when we have to keep moving away... and I'm getting too old to go to a lot of gatherings that I feel comfortable with, and I don't know who to trust. I feel this is a very self-centered thing to say, and I don't know why this thought crossed my mind, but I feel like I'm a rose trying to grow in a mud-pit... and that there's a very slim chance that I can keep going on... Family has been saying I should probably seek therapy... to talk it out.... Then I keep worrying about how the rest of the world will say that I'm just another nut-case... I hate how I worry so much about how others view me, and i can't open up and be myself at all... My own worst enemy...is me... and I know it.... Yet I can't figure out what to do.... everyone always gives me encouragement, and tells me that it doesn't matter what others think... And yet, I'm the one that gets hurt BECAUSE of those people spreading lies and rumors about me... And there's no point in trying to convince them of the truth, because they'll only see that as another lie, because they only trust the people they've known longer anyway...
I know this sounds selfish... but please pray for me... I love you all.
I might go away for another month, because I found that I was happiest when I didn't have to worry about entertaining others.
But it's also been unhealthy for me.
My brother is gonna try to take me swimming as soon as the pools open. And I hope that finally getting out and exercising will keep me from sulking.
Feel free to send me notes. I apologize in advance for being afk again.
And to set the record straight, I WAS feeling a lot better too, up until now. Just so much falling apart all at once, and I can't plug up all the holes of my life-raft.