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  • Reading: Eragon.... IN GERMAN
  • Watching: Nada
  • Playing: Kingdom Hearts
  • Eating: Bagel Egg Sandwhich
  • Drinking: Nada
Today my dad accepted me as his son on facebook. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I am so happy.

Today has truly been, an awesome day. :D
  • Reading: Eragon.... IN GERMAN
  • Watching: Nada
  • Playing: Kingdom Hearts
  • Eating: Bagel Egg Sandwhich
  • Drinking: Nada
So today, I gave myself my first shot of testosterone. Here is the story:

It all began last night.... when I kept Erin up all night because I was too excited. XD I honestly don't remember anything, but Erin said I tried to pretend to rape her in the ass while saying "kol kol kol" (lol, jk..... I made that up)

I then woke up around 3:50 AM, took a shower, and then woke Erin up around 4:15 AM... I'm used to the early morning because I work at a coffee shop, but Erin isn't. We left to a grocery store around 5 AM, got some granola bars with mints, baby swiss cheese-itz (which are the BOMB BTW!)... and some juice. I didn't realize that the juice had Brussels Sprouts and broccoli in it... I thought it just had apples and pineapple. Needless to say, it tasted like an old mans ass.  

Erin and I then made the 4 hour drive down to Kansas City so I could see an endocrinologist. We got there an hour early, so we swung by a Coffee place (same franchise I work at...) and met up with my manager (who happened to be training people at said coffee shop.) I got a chai latte... then we went to the back of the supermarket the coffee shop was in.

Guess what was there.

A 65 lb lobster. A live one. All the normal sized ones were all crawling over him. It was AWESOME.

Then we went back to the doctor's office, and spent 2 hours waiting because the doctor was running late. But that was alright, we got to watch The Price is Right, and listen to Drew Carrey talk about how he likes to put basil on grilled cheese.

I got my prescription, but didn't get time to have the doctor teach me how to inject it, because it had started snowing, and they were expecting like, 10 inches in 2 hours. So we had to leave fast.

We tried to go to a chik-fil-a, but it was full of all these rich jewish kids having a bar mitzvah or something. So we went to Churches Chicken instead. (God Bless the South and their love for chicken).

Then we saw an African American Zombie roaming the streets, and headed back home. Then we picked up my prescription, and I went into Erin's room so I could get down to business. With my T.... nothing else XD

After I researched everything, and watched a few educational videos, I kicked Erin out of the room. (Because I didn't want her staring at me while I stabbed myself with a needle) Even though the needle was only like, an inch and a half long.

I sterilized my leg, jabbed the needle in, made sure I didn't hit a vein, and then...

I couldn't make my thumb press the plunger down. I had all these last minute regrets rushing to my brain, and I just froze up.

Erin charged into the room because she thought I was taking to long, and her charging in caused my hand to twitch..... but after she left I totally dominated the plunger. It was only half of a ml, but it took FOREVER to go in all the way. It actually kinda burned. A. Lot. But it was worth it. I feel different. A lot more comfortable. I looked in the mirror later tonight and thought, "DAMN! Who is that sexy beast?" I've never thought that before XD

I am extremely, extremely excited to see the changes that are going to happen in the next two weeks from this tiny dose. It's not even a ML of testosterone... but I feel so much better about myself. I haven't even changed physically yet from it, but I feel AMAZING.

And best of all.... I only have one more period left! HA HA!
  • Listening to:
  • Reading: Nada
  • Watching: Nada
  • Playing: Nada
  • Eating: Nada
  • Drinking: Nada
A lot has been happening in the past few months.

I have a stable/secure job that I actually enjoy and get along with my co workers at.

I will be moving out in a few months.

Scary acres starts in 10 days.

Two conventions happening in November.

Planning on going to Canada next fall.

I have fantastic friends who support me in my decision to start a life changing process.

I have a freakin' beautiful girlfriend who has helped me through so much. I have been extremely lucky to have won you. I love you Erin.

And I love/respect all of my friends, you all mean so much to me.

Life is finally looking good.

P.S..... Kelsey.... I like giving food to your family.... your siblings (and parents) are so very awesome XD
  • Listening to:
  • Reading: Nada
  • Watching: Nada
  • Playing: Nada
  • Eating: Nada
  • Drinking: Nada
It has been almost a year since I started the video blogs. Every single video I've put up means so much to me, and shows me exactly how much I have in life right now.

But at the same time, I started the blog so I would not be lost in the depression I had found myself trapped in. I started it so I would not forget things.

I have felt this way my whole life, but in the past year I have found myself getting deeper and deeper in this depression and hopelessness. I thought that if I did something to make me love myself, I would get out if it.

Obviously, I have not. There was a brief moment where I was, but I've found myself lost in it again, and more lost than I was before.

So, I have decided to do something about it... something I have been debating very carefully over the past few years.

Starting now, and escalating when I move out... lots of changes are going to be happening.

I haven't really talked to many people about it, but if I haven't talked to you, I will be in the near future, I just need to get the courage to.

Sarah, Kelsey, Erin, Hollie, Brittany, Cecil, Monnie.... I care about you guys a lot, and as much as I hate to admit it, I will be needing you. You all have done so much for me already, and I honestly don't really know why. But everything you have done for me means so much.

But whether I have your acceptance or not, I am going to go through with what I have made my mind up on. It has been a hard decision, but for the first time in a long time...I feel sorta, happy I guess. And excited to see how things work out.

"And I'll fly, fly across the sky
And I'll leave, I'll leave it all behind

If you'll be here, here with me tonight
I'll be fine, I'll be fine
I'll be fine"
  • Listening to: Sick Puppies - Odd One
  • Reading: Nada
  • Watching: Nada
  • Playing: Nada
  • Eating: Nada
  • Drinking: Nada
(And now for something completely different to wipe the previous journal off of my main page)


Dear Alfred (or should I say, my little podsolnechnik),

     I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I’m in love with your alien. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me outside of your office, and ignored my illegitimate child in Ghana. I’m sure you’re cowardly enough to understand that the Middle East is planning their revenge on you. I’ll be returning your Hannah Montana underwear, but I’ll keep your left ear. You haven’t showered in months, and your Cucumber-fetishism is weird.

I could make a monkey out of you,


IT'S ON AMERICA!!!!!!! >8D (my illegitimate child in Ghana is France's by the way).


I don’t really know how to tell you this, but

1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your alien
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're mean
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

I think I realized it when

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When you smacked my ass
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I quoted Forest Gump
August - When I saw the purple monkey
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When u finally changed ur underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Lasagna- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Chicken - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper


4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red -In your apartment
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Put whipped cream on
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
None – My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude
Other --The elephant in the corner

I’m sure you’re _____

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - vexed
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Other – Slutty

enough to understand that

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Childish - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exsist
Silly - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

I’ll be returning your

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - The cut toenails
Red - Your Hannah Montanna underwear
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink(ish) - Your love letters to me
Other - The pictures from Vegas

but I’ll be keeping your

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your collection of butterflies
C/D - Your photo with the mustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbor’s dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - My virginity
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your suicide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Haven’t showered in a month
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F - am better off without you
G/H – Hate your cooking
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Will tell the authorities that you did not steal that whale in the back yard
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Was interviewed about the car you stole
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Y/Z – Never will forget that night

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Mineral water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Vodka – Your Cucumber-fetishism Is Weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – you should stop picking your nose
Other – Thanks for the Cocaine

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Italy - Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – I could make a monkey out of you
England - Go drown yourself
  • Listening to: Swans - Unkle Bob
  • Reading: Among the Sunflowers
  • Watching:
  • Playing: Metroid Prime
  • Eating: nada
  • Drinking: nada
I finally found a job. I was working in a frilly, preppy, perfume/lingerie shop. I was one of two people who would actually work. My boss wasn't nice either, I would constantly find myself with a gun pointed against the back of my head if I wasn't working hard enough. He only did this to me because I wasn't as pretty as the others.

That is the reason why, when three men in military outfits came by, I jumped at the opportunity to join (which is out of character for me. I am a pacifist, and would never join the army. I know how to protect myself, and will cause people bodily harm if necessary, but not unless I have to).

The taller man had an american accent. He was wearing too many layers, and had eyes that shined like the sky. The shorter man appeared to be british, and had caterpillars for eyebrows. When the American picked up a piece of skimpy lingerie, and placed it in front of the British guy's body to see what it would look like, the British man's face turned tomato red, and he had a mouth like a pirate's.  

In the dressing room was a blonde haired man with a goatee. He refused to speak English unless it was to impress the other workers. Male, Female? It didn't matter to that Frenchman.

They asked me to join their special forces, and I accepted. My first mission? To meet up with other members at a special location in the state of Kansas.


The American, Britain, and Frenchman all jumped out of the plane before me and deployed their parachutes. I took a swig of vodka, a deep breath, and jumped.

Completely forgetting my parachute.

As I fell, I looked around at my surroundings. The beauty of everything put me in shock. Everything was golden. As far as my eyes could see, there were sunflowers. There wasn't a spot between them where I could see the ground. The sky was even gold in color (the clouds a pearly white), and the occasional tree's leaves were gold as well.

I heard the three men shout in terror as I flew past them. Their screams put a slight smile on my face. Why were they worrying? Didn't they know of my secret?

I could fly.

I wrapped my scarf tighter around my neck, and slowly flew down to the ground. I stopped above the sunflowers, and gently pushed them aside before going down the remaining distance to the ground. Once on the ground, I took out my water pipe, just to be safe.

The other men joined me shortly after, and we started walking through the field to where we were going to meet up with our fellow comrades. To my amazement, even the sunflower stalks were gold in their color. Everything had a tint of yellow in it, but the sunflowers were the most beautiful of all.  

All of a sudden, I heard a stem break. We all whirled around, and were greeted by a cheetah. The British man was quicker than us all, and shot it squarely between it's eyes. My eyes widened, and noticed that for the first time since getting here, I saw a color besides gold. I saw red. I couldn't take my eyes off of all the red that was forming around the previously alive creature. The Frenchman noticed how my face was adopting a crazed/helpless expression, and grabbed my arm to drag me away. I didn't take my eyes off of the blood until we were too far away, and the golden sunflowers were blocking the view.

It made me wonder what else was hidden in these patches.  

From then on I decided to fly just above the sunflowers, so I could see any dangers from above.

Flying above the golden sea of sunflowers put my mind at ease.

We made it to the military camp, and were all sitting around a fire, (its flames were gold as well). I was in the middle of telling a ghost story, scaring the shit out of the American, when the sound of a gun shot rang out.

I felt a slight pressure in my chest, and placed my hand near my heart. When I removed it, my eyes grew wide in fear. I saw the color red. I looked down at my body, and noticed, that with the more red I lost, the more gold that drained out of the color of my body.

As I fell to the ground, my hearing faded, and as my sight began to fade, I saw a German soldier running towards the camp.

All I felt was sorrow, for staining the beautiful sunflower fields with the color red.


Ok, first off, I would like to thank America, , because my conversations with them inspired me to have this twisted dream.

XD this was the most awesome/twisted/emotional/good dream I have had in a long time XD......... no matter how morbid it became near the end.

Why do I have dreams like these? O-O dreams that start out with Russia working in a ladies lingerie shop, then he is able to fly, and is greeted by a cheetah in the middle of Kansas.


I hope that America had a weird dream last night, just so we are even.

I. Xemnas:

[X] You are the leader most of the time.
[ ] You like black.
[ ] You wished/wish you were someone else.
[x] You don't listen to others.
[x] You like doing research.

II. Xigbar:

[ ] You have bad eyesight.
[x] You like throwing things at others when angry.
[X] You wish you were able to teleport.
[ ] You wear your hair in a ponytail.
[x] You have/wish you had a gun.

III. Xaldin

[x] You like windy days.
[ ] You have tried to steal something precious from someone.
[x] You like dragons.
[ ] You have/like dreadlocks.
[ ] You've tried to anger someone on purpose.

IV. Vexen

[ ] You are disrespected by the young ones.
[X] Someone has already considered you a traitor.
[ ] You are the oldest of your group.
[x] You like experiments.
[ ] You like cold days.

V. Lexaeus

[ ] You are not very talkative.
[X] You like brain games.
[x] People are afraid of you because of your appearance.
[ ] You prefer heavy weapons rather than light ones.
[ ] You are very strong, physically speaking.

VI. Zexion

[X] You love reading.
[x] You are not very sociable.
[ ] You are one of the shortest of your group.
[x] You have a very sensible nose.
[x] You like to elude others.

VII. Saïx

[X] You have double-personality issues.
[X] You are more active during night rather than day.
[ ] You like werewolves.
[ ] Your superior trusts you.
[x] You have a scar on your face.

VIII. Axel

[x] You are somewhat a pyromaniac.
[X] You care deeply for your best friends.
[x] You are a two-face when you need to be.
[ ] You don't like when people don't remember your name.
[ ] You have a very fiery personality.

IX. Demyx
[X] You like music.
[ ] You know how to play a guitar.
[X] You like rainy days.
[X] You like swimming.
[ ] You are usually a very happy person.

X. Luxord

[X] You like playing cards.
[ ] You like to gamble.
[ ] Your favorite color is gold.
[ ] You have stolen money from others.
[ ] You have/wished you could curse someone.

XI. Marluxia

[ ] You like pink.
[ ] You like flowers.
[ ] You are plotting to overthrow your superior.
[X] You were betrayed by someone.
[X] You are a bit of a flamboyant person.

XII. Larxene

[ ] You're the only female on your group.
[X] You like storms.
[ ] You're pretty agile.
[x] You like to mock others.
[ ] You think ninjas are cool.

XIII. Roxas

[X] You love ice cream.
[ ] You are the youngest of your group.
[x] You think people are hiding something from you.
[x] You usually have strange dreams involving people you've never met.
[ ] You prefer afternoons rather than nights and mornings.
Total: 3

Most like Zexion! :O
  • Listening to:
  • Reading: a handwritting analysis book
  • Watching: South Park
  • Playing: Kingdom Hearts II
  • Eating: Oyster Crackers....mmm ghetto dinner
  • Drinking: water