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from your loving daughter.
Dear stepmother,
I know you wish we had never been apart, that I would call you, that I could visit you at the seaside so that we could be a family again.
I just want to remind you that I didn't forget:
The way you used me as a punching bag to vent out petty frustrations after you argued with your boyfriend over what to watch on television or eat for dinner.
The way you ripped my hair from my scalp and pulled it as though I were a doll. Sometimes, you liked to stroke it to lull me into a false sense of security, and then yank it without warning, all with a smile on your face.
The way you threatened to kill your boyfriend after you cheated on him with his own cousin.
The way you threatened to kill me and bury me in the garden with him if I dared to speak out.
The way you strangled me (like that time I misremembered your age by one year) until I almost lost consciousness but always let me go at the last second, smirked and said "I could have killed you" in order to keep me "in my
:iconkoi--no--yokan:Koi--No--Yokan 2 2
the night he died.
On a Sunday night in July, I saw my dad die.
We argued over trivial details that afternoon (McDonald's, buses and the weather), and reached a moment of comfortable detachment within an awkward silence. Afterwards, he was preparing a snack for himself. I was texting someone. He asked if I wanted to watch a film. I said that'd be great.
Within a minute, I heard him cough. This was not unusual, but then I heard him struggle to force out the words "Lily*, I'm having an attack."
I jumped up and ran immediately to him, phone at ready to dial emergency services. Then I saw the blood.
As I was on the phone to paramedics, I stayed calm. I don't know how. I gave every piece of information required with perfect control and detail, as I watched blood pouring - like a tap on full blast, like a waterfall - out of my dad's mouth and into the kitchen sink. Some of it bright, some of it dark, some of it thick like tar, some of it clotted and clumped. It just kept coming.
I confirmed he was
:iconkoi--no--yokan:Koi--No--Yokan 8 4
Emerald Peacock by Koi--No--Yokan Emerald Peacock :iconkoi--no--yokan:Koi--No--Yokan 7 1

Random Favourites

Butterfly Avatar by CitricLily Butterfly Avatar :iconcitriclily:CitricLily 330 50
in summer the ghost of the girl who tried so desperately to hang me
with her own hair comes to me again, her wrists bound tight - a victorian
nightgown, the stretch of the fabric a taste on my teeth i can never forget
( contact allergy: the glue from band-aids sends my skin spitting and hot,
the new cells, grown inside as i was, finally brave enough to fight for air )
she blinks her heavy lashes at me and pulls the heat tight around my ribs.
they bend like a ship on the shore under the slime of greenrot and time,
but they do not break. they are not drowned, not her claim to rebuild with.
( if a ship sinks, and you replace it, is the sea not your right? if the
ground on land and sea claw for you, and you grow stronger at the ankle
for stepping through their claws each time, is that not your right? )
refrain of my first hospitalisation: i will be dead before i need glasses,
i will be blind in both of my eyes before a predisposition to short-term
anything lays claim on me. this is funnier
:iconalldesiring:alldesiring 34 21
Tips: How to get started with the lit community!
Hello everyone! My name is Ricky Alaniz otherwise known as chromeantennae and today, I wanna give you guys a little guide on how I really got started here. How I got my name out there a little bit more and really got the courage to do more around these parts.
First off, understand that 99% of the literature community here on deviantART will give you just as much in return as you give back to it. It's a natural, human thing. But if you don't give back, you won't receive. That's always the number one thing to remember, but also that we're all here to support each other. Even the most popular of deviants started right where you are. Yes, even the Senior Members and lit CVs were newbies here on this site at one point too. And I know some people are intimidated by Senior Members and literature CVs but these folks are the LAST people to be intimidated by! They're in these positions for the exact opposite reasons-- they're not evil-doers or big bad monsters ready to reject whatever you sugge
:iconchromeantennae:chromeantennae 196 343
Getting Your Story Written (Not Thought)
So, you want to write a story. Great! But for some writers, this can take a lot of time; which definitely isn’t great if you’re on a schedule! I suffer from this same problem myself most of the times that I try to write, but I’ve figured out ways to get around the tricky subject of writer’s block.
Step 1: Shutting off your Inner Editor.
Everyone has one, right? That little voice which tells you to go back, which tells you that you’ve missed a full stop, which tells you that the story can wait if the punctuation or the point isn’t up to scratch.
You need to learn how to shut them up.
Whether that might be Zen meditation, awkward talks with yourself over coffee, whatever you need; just try to suppress that little voice that automatically checks over your work. Right now, they really are not what you need to focus on. Here are a couple of ideas on how to keep your inner editor quiet.
  Sub-step 1: Run with some initial ideas.
:iconwritersink:WritersInk 42 18
I had a relapse
Last night I stayed awake
Staring at the ceiling
Seconds felt like hours
Half consciousness
was messing with my feelings
As hours did pass, all I saw
Were the shadows mimicking your features
A war broke out inside my heart
I was fighting my own creatures
I had a relapse
Just when I gathered enough strength
To stop thinking about you
Thinking of your eyes, so blue
Imagining your voice screeching out my name
Pulling at my hair knowing it's all inside my brain
I had a relapse
When I finally resolved myself to hate you so
To hate your eyes and hate your voice
The hours bled out and all I felt
Was your absence made a hole inside my soul
And how I feared that I'd never once again
be fully whole.
I had a relapse.
I love you, and I always will
I love your eyes, your smile and voice
Your laugh still gives me chills
And I'm afraid that I cant run away
No matter where..I'll hear your name
And tomorrow I'll relapse again
And while I stay awake
Nothing will take away the a
:iconiiinegativeiii:IIINegativeIII 7 15
Feelings of an abused child
They claim that they love and care for you, but that you need to be taught about the horrors and evils of the world to be made stronger. They both protect and comfort you, but also place you in situations where you feel that you are going to die you experience pain so intense that you cannot think; your head spins; our insides burn; you can no longer remember who you are or why you are here.
All you know is pain, all you feel is desperation. You consider crying out for help, but no one will listen, you can't stop nor change what is happening. No matter that you do or say the pain will never stop. You are told the pain and suffering, the fear and horror is for your own good. Told that you need discipline, that you asked for it with your misbehaviour. Betrayal seems like too simple a word to describe the feelings of pain, loneliness and isolation.
When you try to talk about the pain you are told that you must be cra
:iconshadowlight-oak:shadowlight-oak 27 10
August 29, 2016
with a moonface
innumerable speckles across her countenance
like tiny henna constellations
bountiful scars scattered about her skin
like a patchwork of trenches and craters
with flawed pulchritude
yet, like the moon with her damaged landscape
is still considered beauteous and comely
and so is she-
with the moon for her face
radiant and resplendent
(even though her aesthetics are atypical,
she is perfectly stunning to me)
:iconcholie:cholie 23 30
Not Alone - Collaboration by cholie Not Alone - Collaboration :iconcholie:cholie 27 12
We Thought We Were Free
we rose high
on crumpled paper wings,
tossed through the currents
like weathered dolls.
sealed within a transparent cage,
living each perilous moment at its mercy-
and still, we thought
we were free.
:iconluxwar:luxwar 12 10
dA Guide: Text Formatting
This is just a quick text formatting guide for dA. My goal was to make a simple html guide for easy reference.  Please PAY ATTENTION to where the codes WILL and WILL NOT work!  (Certain codes won't work in comments and deviation descriptions, no matter how hard you try.)  :'D
I provided "working examples," which might make the codes easier to understand because you can see them in action. (Keep in mind that when you type html tags, the effects won't be visible until AFTER you hit "Preview" on your comment, journal, etc. I only made them visible for the purpose of demonstration.) Enjoy!!!

The following codes can be used in
comments, deviation descriptions, journals, and profile page widgets.

This will make bold text.
This will also make bold text.
This will make italicized text.
:iconsweetduke:SweetDuke 17,159 3,126
Soft Rain by sandara Soft Rain :iconsandara:sandara 5,251 116 L. 'Ryuzaki' Lawliet by andrahilde L. 'Ryuzaki' Lawliet :iconandrahilde:andrahilde 1,530 59 Lawliet L by ymymy Lawliet L :iconymymy:ymymy 139 18 Rinoa by Mar-ka Rinoa :iconmar-ka:Mar-ka 2,565 277 -Feraligatr- by arvalis -Feraligatr- :iconarvalis:arvalis 16,024 746


Hi everyone,

This is bowie-loon123, for the benefit of those I watched seemingly out of the blue. I appreciate that deviantART has changed a lot over time. Many of those I followed whilst an active participant have left, just as I did. I'm so happy to see there are those who stayed, however.

I believe my last sustained burst of activity was in 2012. It is difficult for me to articulate what the last six years have been like. A lot has happened in that time. I have changed.

I had mental health breakdowns, suicide attempts, got raped and sexually violated a good few times, failed at university, became homeless, fell in love, foolishly and selfishly cheated, got deservingly dumped, rekindled the relationship later, built my career, built one of the largest mental health Meetups globally, had a huge fallout with those who abused me in my family, people I care about died and my dad (the only family member I was still in touch with) bled to death in front of me in July.

The summary gives none of that any justice, but here you go.

I have missed deviantART and those I left behind. I'm sorry for disappearing without a trace. You brought me light during dark times, and I never forgot that. :hug:

I have only recently resumed writing, after ceasing to do so for a long time in light of certain traumatic events - some of which I alluded to in brief above, and others I cannot disclose here yet.

Putting it bluntly, my work may just not be as good as it once was. A few have asked if I will write more poetry like those I composed under my previous account. The truthful answer is this: I don't know. For now, I am focused on getting my story out in the open. I would like to compile a biography consisting of a collection of true short stories. I feel that sharing my experiences and then refining my storytelling will help me to achieve this. Perhaps this will incorporate more poetry in the future.

Any support, guidance, constructive feedback or suggestions would be welcome and hugely appreciated. I have hidden much of my past for a number of years (partly due to the fact I was still living in an abusive environment when I initially joined dA all those years ago). I am in a position in my life where I feel ready to share, support and hopefully empower others.

I hope everyone has been well and happy, and I want to stay in touch this time. :heart:


Koi--No--Yokan's Profile Picture
Artist | Student | Literature
United Kingdom
A morbid tapestry, an off-colour rainbow.



Add a Comment:
Serendiipitii Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the support, I really appreciate it :heart:
thesquareroot Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the fave :peace:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2018   Writer
Welcome to :iconnew-latitudes: New-Latitudes!
Koi--No--Yokan Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2018  Student Writer
Thank you! :)
PennedinWhite Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the watch, :heart:
Koi--No--Yokan Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2018  Student Writer
Anytime, thank you for watching me in return! :heart:
PennedinWhite Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure! :heart:
IIINegativeIII Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the favorite :)
Koi--No--Yokan Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2018  Student Writer
You're welcome! :)
IIINegativeIII Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2018  New Deviant Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sorry for such a late reply, i forgot what this was

are you also a poet? 
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