ponderings of the wandering mind

Deviation Actions

kmills95's avatar

Literature Text

the world is spinning around me,
people talking, laughing, doing.
music plays but my ears don’t notice,
my hands are busy wrapping presents
but my mind isn’t there.

everything is in a fog:
people, places, noise, emotion.
i’m lost in this haze
between reality and insanity,
because apparently i can’t just have one
or the other.

in my mind all is silent,
though at the same time i’m screaming.
i’m alone, no, i’m stuck in a crowd…
no, now i’m in my boyfriend’s arms.
i don’t know where i am.
i’m safe at home or with him,
then suddenly i’m back in the hell
of my freshman year.
or back in the captivity
of residential treatment.

and then everything is still and that’s even worse
because there is absolutely nothing
in my mind.
nothing tangible, nothing real, nothing at all.
just empty space, but even less than that.
simply… nothing.

and now i’m terrified
and i watch as my hands
carefully fold wrapping paper
of their own accord.

i’m not controlling my body,
i’m not even in my body.
i don’t know where i am but it
is terrifying.

and i watch the hands tear a piece of tape
off of the dispenser
and wonder vaguely what would happen
if they took that serrated edge
to the the fair skin on the arms.

but the hands continue folding,
wrapping, taping.
not stopping, on autopilot.
because now the girl
is just a body without a soul,
without a heart or spirit or even mind.

i watch the girl go through the motions,
for the moment forgetting
that i am nothing.
that she isn’t me anymore,
that i don’t really even

and i keep hoping that somehow
she’ll accidentally hurt herself
or one of her kittens
attacks a little too roughly and draws blood.
because somehow i think that maybe,
just maybe,
the pain would bring the two of us
back together;
her empty shell of a form,
and my formless consciousness.

and suddenly she’s gone,
completely gone.
and i seem to be, too.
just a disembodied thought –
if that –
floating in this realm of nonexistence.

somehow i know
that she is still there,
tethered to being
like i am to nothingness
but that doesn’t matter anymore
because even if i’m trapped
at least the absence of the pain
is better than the hell
that i have had to endure.

this i keep saying to myself,
but i’m fighting a losing battle.
living the way i have been hurts
like nothing I have ever known.
but this emptiness, this void…
drains me of all life.
funny though, how either way
i’d rather be dead.

but here i suppose,
the ‘i’ is relative.
for in nothingness,
i cannot even exist.
and in reality,
the girl cannot be me
because she is simply a drone,
a soulless body,
an automaton.
but if both of these are true,
then what – or who – or where –
am i?
full title: ponderings of the wandering mind in the early hours of the morning

exactly what the title says.

i apologise if it makes absolutely no sense at all. it's supposed to be somewhat confusing, but i don't know how well i got across what i wanted to. and i'm too zombie-like to figure that out right now :P 

yeahhh the only sleep i've had since 4 pm friday was like half an hour yesterday morning. and now it's early sunday morning. so 39 hours awake with only a half hour of sleep. lovely. 

i need to get to bed.

:iconfplz::iconeplz::iconeplz::icondplz::iconbplz::iconaplz::iconcplz::iconkplz: :iconexclamationplz:

© 2013 - 2023 kmills95
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
rusticlyricist's avatar
Wow. You can feel the emotion just oozing out of the all those lines. I can totally relate, you did an AMAZING job :D