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literature

insomniac.

kmills95's avatar
By kmills95   |   
3 18 270 (1 Today)
Published:
night is when all of my monsters emerge.
not from under the bed
or in the closet -
though i still insist
on keeping the lamp on 'til i'm in bed
so something doesn't grab my legs
and keeping the closet door shut
so i'm not watched all night -
but from deep inside me,
that dark place where they hide
until the sun sets and i'm
alone.

the shadows are frightening
and the
tick
tick
tick
of the clock
seems like a timer
counting down the minutes until i explode,
a self-destructive time bomb.

sometimes the flickering flame of a candle
or the heavy fumes of incense
will calm me down and i'll
be just fine.
but other times i stare at the candle
and wonder why it isn't burning at both ends
like my life is.
and i watch the incense slowly die and think
how sad it is
to watch its ashes fall.
and i feel like that's
what i'm doing to myself -
lighting myself on fire and just
watching
as i turn to ash.

and the night goes on and i
don't know what to do
because i'm so lonely and afraid and i ache
for the arms of another
to keep me warm and safe
and just be there
until the dawn.

so i'll turn on music and hope
that it can get my mind off everything.
because i always say
it's better to feel pain
than nothing at all...
but not right now because the pain
is killing me and i can't
stand it
anymore.

and i start to wonder if anything
is really worth it.
and if it would be easier to just
kill the pain,
once and for all,
by cutting just a little deeper
or - oh, the irony -
overdosing on the pills
that are supposed to be helping me
but don't do a thing.

and as the tears begin to fall
i grab hold of a teddy bear
because if that's the only comfort i can find
i'll take it
because it's certainly better
than nothing.
and i cling to it like my life depends on it
because after all, who knows?
maybe it does.

and finally after hours or months or years -
i'm not sure anymore;
sometimes a minute lasts a second
and sometimes an hour
or a week
or a month -
the sun starts to come up
and the shadows start
to disappear.
and i know that now
i'll be okay
and i can finally
sleep.
© 2013 - 2020 kmills95
written around one in the morning... got stuck though so i stopped halfway through the last stanza. and i was able to finish it today! yayy! :P

enjoy?

just a typical night for me...
Comments18
anonymous's avatar
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bryxoxo's avatar
bryxoxoStudent Artist

teddy bears are the bomb... I have certain special teddy bears for certain people when I miss them... like when I miss you I sleep with logan :).... I miss you dearie and I promise i'll be there as soon as I can ye?

btw this was really good... i know cause i related to it... well done :) ? haha

kmills95's avatar
kmills95Hobbyist Writer
Aww <3.I sleep with Luke when I miss you, too.

Thanks dear :)
BreeBree135's avatar
BreeBree135Hobbyist General Artist
You're really talented :hug:
kmills95's avatar
kmills95Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much :)
BreeBree135's avatar
BreeBree135Hobbyist General Artist
Sure thing!! :D
DeepDark00-0's avatar
DeepDark00-0Hobbyist Photographer
Teddy bears are vastly under-rated heroes.
Truth.
kmills95's avatar
kmills95Hobbyist Writer
Yes. I feel kinda silly admitting that I still Sleep with a teddy bear.... Bet even Caleb didn't know that one.... But really it can make all the difference in the world. Like when I was in residential. My roommate slept with like four stuffed animals and she's one of the most mature 17 year olds I know. :shrug: so.
DeepDark00-0's avatar
DeepDark00-0Hobbyist Photographer
<.<
I'm 28,
and I scoured for three weeks to find a speciific teddy bear I stumbled across (didn't buy right at first, dumb me) ... for myself.  That was about a year and a half ago, and yes he's still with me.
kmills95's avatar
kmills95Hobbyist Writer
Aww :) yeah Caleb gave me my favorite one while I was in residential. my other favorite is A stuffed leopard my sis gave me about ten years ago. Maybe longer
Loveandeath2295's avatar
Loveandeath2295Student Photographer
love you honey you will get through this 
kmills95's avatar
kmills95Hobbyist Writer
thanks
Loveandeath2295's avatar
Loveandeath2295Student Photographer
yep :hug:
ForgottenSea's avatar
ForgottenSeaHobbyist Writer
Wow...I related to this wayy too much.
It's wonderfully written. Good job, nothing to say. (perhaps make a few letters capital =P)
kmills95's avatar
kmills95Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! Comments absolutely make my day.

Yeahh, sometimes I capitalise stuff and sometimes I don't. Depends on my mood I guess. Or if I'm actually attempting to look professionalish ;P 

Also, just curious: how'd you come across it? :)
ForgottenSea's avatar
ForgottenSeaHobbyist Writer
I sometimes go through newest, and sometimes I use the literature filter.
kmills95's avatar
kmills95Hobbyist Writer
Cool :) Well thanks for stopping by! ^.^
ForgottenSea's avatar
ForgottenSeaHobbyist Writer
Heh, no problem, thanks for sharing your inner demons =p
kmills95's avatar
kmills95Hobbyist Writer
^.^
anonymous's avatar
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