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My recent journals have been regarding commissions and whatnot. That's great and fine, but I've always liked the comfort of deviantArt journals to be able to use as a traditional journal to record thoughts. I don't want to keep this as a constant habit because being able to unload thoughts feels better released in large occasional chunks rather than constant small thoughts. I think statuses are better for the latter, but I utilize Twitter instead of those.

There isn't much purpose to this journal, and no there isn't some kind of art freebie hidden within the mess that some artists like to do (which is not a bad idea or anything), it's just to let loose and open up and reach the surface for a gasp of air.

So I guess I'll begin.
I've lost touch with a large amount of friends, not as much online ones lost as I have lost the ones I grew up physically around. And I'm fully aware what happened, I won't deny that we stopped talking due to no longer being in high school with them, or that I never made any effort to talk to them out of stubbornness and anxiety, or that I started becoming more and more depressed and standoffish and hateful of people. It's not right, and I don't blame them from ceasing most contact. I lost someone (not by death) extremely important to me. I can try to blame my actions and emotions on the various disorders that I have, but they are part of me no matter what, and I can't make excuses. Less people I have, less people to disappoint, I think.

I started cutting and smoking again. I had held off on a lot of it because of being tethered to something I will mention near the end of the journal, but having that limit gone... I don't know if that's helping or hurting me more. I hate cutting. It hurts. I hate smoking. It smells awful. Yet I find myself at it. Contradictory thoughts and actions haven't been anything new to me at all.

I planned a slightly intricate for-sure method of suicide that required some travel. The last time I planned anything as complex as that was in November of 2015. Things seemed to finally be in place, general plans to travel were in the works. I wiped out all the money I had collected over so many years in my bank account within a week, using the money to help people out of some bad situations. And then my parents ended up cancelling the plan.

Most of my free time the past few months has been spent in my room. My head can't decide whether I want to have interaction or not, so I stay in my room in seclusion, yet jump on social media all day until I realize it's midnight and should probably sleep. It's unhealthy. I stopped working out (I don't have a desperate need to, but it was something I enjoyed and felt accomplished doing). I also stopped drawing. I have dreams of getting our comic Buoy-Friend up and running, completed, and finally printed in book form, but it seems so far because of the rut that I'm in. This depression certainly gives me the emotional inspiration, but I need the motivation. I'm trying to push myself to create again in general because I really want to.

And motivation partners up very close with the time required. I've been struggling in college for too long, until I've finally given up on 2/3 classes for the last two weeks of it to take extra work shifts instead. I like my job repairing iPhones, I find it very easy for me, but I've finally understood that doing constant repeating of work, or of anything, bores me and drains my energy. I need to find a comfortable creative cycle that I can do. And as I've been digging up interests from the backburner, I feel like I can feel better someday.

Halts or complete stops have been placed on things. As previously stated, I've given up on classes, and only attending for my electronics class because I find it fun. I'm ditching the rest. I feel bad because the professors are great, but I just don't have what it takes to continue. No matter what I do now will not save my grade, and frankly, I don't see myself returning to college. I don't know what I want from it. I didn't know what academic aspect I wanted when I initially went in. I thought I attended to get so-called "general education" since I thought "since I don't know what I was going to do, why not get general courses out of the way since I have financial aid?" But no, I believe I really only attended just to have more chances to be with my partner at the time. And that crashed because of their busyness plus my abandonment issues and temper. I don't think they actually liked me for who I was, only the things I was able to do for them.

The other halt/stop is the Navy. For those who had heard me talk about before, I had discussed joining the Navy. I had signed up and sworn-in in August 2016, and my ship date wasn't until June 2017. Things seemed okay, I understood many of the concepts and rules we were given to learn. But the long time passed to where I just felt worse and worse about life in general that I felt I wasn't confident enough to go in anymore. I cut my contract with the Navy last month. It feels liberating to not be tethered any longer, but it also hurts because there were many benefits that would help me out so much with many, many life issues I had. But I wouldn't have stood a chance where I'm at right now. Maybe someday in the future, but definitely not now.

I bought a website. I've been wanting this domain for a very long time, the suffix was unique and matched my desired brand name perfectly, but it wasn't live to the public until this month. Last night, I purchased the domain, hooked it up to a host, then today I started to customize it. It's almost done, actually. I just need to get my example pictures done and displayed. I'm very excited to be up and running again, and with a more professional-looking site. I won't stop using social art websites of course. I am looking forward to making more fursuits and parts because seeing people interact with what I made is one of the best feelings in the world, and something wearable is probably one of the best ways to display it.

Everything all starts with getting smoothed out and situated. I have plans to move to Michigan with in-laws. I had wanted to move in the summer, but I'm not sure where that plan is going right now since they're getting family issues in the mix of things. I hope they'll be okay soon. If I do happen to move, it should be liberating. I've been sheltered and limited by my parents for too long, that I believe I've fabricated my own barriers for myself that have kept me from doing a lot. And I've been living in California all my life in the city where everything's here and convenient, whereas Michigan will be out in the beauty of nature where the nearest town is an hour away. It's a fresh new experience that I want to have. I hope to at least visit and stay for a while if I do not move.

Someday soon, things will be better.
1ore Featured By Owner May 20, 2017
I don't have a lot of words, but I do wanna say it's real good to hear you've got some plans for you in the near future. A big enough change like that can be really liberating.

(And I've always wanted to dip my toes into web design... a whole dang site you can call your own is exciting to have at hand!)
Kludges Featured By Owner May 21, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
Thanks so much. You've always stuck around and given me feedback on my thought journals, which I appreciate a whole lot.

(While I have some knowledge about web design, I'm actually using Wix to build my site. It's fairly easy, lots of dragging and dropping and customizing and stuff so it's just time consuming.)
1ore Featured By Owner May 21, 2017
It is good to hear updates now and again! Thank you for sharing 'em.

(I played around with weebly or some such once, when I was very small-- it looks like a lot of fun! Excited to see it when its public *_* )
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Submitted on
May 20, 2017