I'm sorry I haven't been around a lot, lately. I haven't been feeling very artistic. My father died in May, from COVID-19 complications. He had a heart attack. I hadn't seen or heard from him since the summer of 1996. It's been 24 years. Sometimes I've considered reaching out to him, to try and repair our relationship or build a new one, but every time I decided I'd rather he not know where I was, or who I was.
They listed me on his obituary under my deadname. They got my brother's name wrong.
I know in his own way that my father loved my brother and I, and even my mother still, very much. You don't stop loving someone just because they're not in your life anymore. But I also know that drugs and alcohol mattered more to him than we did. I know that he lied to me, again and again, and hurt me more times than I care to count, and I finally ran out of chances for him.
A part of me will always love my father in the heartachingly pure way only a small child can. But I am not a child. I
Experiencing another big bout of writer’s AND artist’s block. I’ve got hundreds of ideas to get done but they’re all screaming at once and then when I sit down to work... nothing.
I know you can’t force creativity. It either happens or it doesn’t. But I’m frustrated and I want to do another short story with illustration series and have NO ideas with where to go for it that actually seem feasible.
It doesn’t help that I’m feeling very weak and tired all the time. Had an appointment with the cardiologist yesterday and was basically told ‘we see something is wrong but it’s not w