KittySib

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Deviations

Latest Deviations

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Tonight by KittySib, literature

Literature

Tonight

I’m sinking into this numb silence. Flailing desperately to care, to feel. Dodge the emptiness. Fill the void with distraction. Don’t reach for that impossible blade. Bleeding won’t bring back my emotions. I know this, but cravings beg to try anyways. It’s too quiet inside my head, leading to dark thoughts. I turn the music on, hoping it will soothe. Hoping it will fill that space where thoughts spawn. It does nothing for the thoughts, But at least the quiet is gone now. I can’t sleep yet, Too wired. I try to decide on my course of action, but between the difficulty of pinning word to a page, and the pulsing nothing, I’m at a loss. I pet my cat and settle into a dull state of inertia. Eventually distraction will be the course of the night. That is the safest course. Killing time till the morning plans come, And I can pretend for one more day.

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Imperial Baby Blanket by KittySib, visual art

Imperial Baby Blanket

KittySib

Emotive Sad Poetry

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Facade in Shambles by KittySib, literature

Literature

Facade in Shambles

I can’t keep up this facade. This endless cycle of pretend, followed by Disappearing. Piece after broken piece gets locked away, all for the sake of people who can’t handle my real. My despair only grows in intensity. My scars increase with the Darkness in my heart, and I’m floundering. My existence hurts, And I’m trapped with no way out. My okay is an illusion. Twisted and distorted thoughts prevail, overwhelming me. I feel sick to death of everything. Each breath is a curse that nobody believes. Let me walk away. See me as I truly am- Broken, bleeding, and desperate for help. Don’t believe the lies you want to see. If you let me, I’ll show you more than the fleeting glimpses you’re tested with. I hide my wounds from those who would rather not see my true state. It’s inconvenient. I’m inconvenient. My tears, my scars, my pain- None of them matter to anyone else. But I can’t keep pretending forever. Maybe it’s better to Disappear completely?

Plagued by KittySib, literature

Literature

Plagued

I’m fine. I thought I was fine. Then it hit me like a sledgehammer, sickening, painful and overwhelming. Depression. I just want to curl up in a mewling ball of sorrow. I want to gouge this pain out of my body somehow. I used to think cutting helped, but it hasn’t been working. I need this to end. That’s why ending myself seems so attractive. Then these awful feelings would stop. But dying seems a bit excessive. I just want to be happy. I want to live my life without this maddening affliction. Why can’t I beat this? I feel so inferior and weak. Familiarity doesn’t make it easier. The recurring nightmare never ends. The ebb and flow is more powerful for it’s miniscule breaks. So I’m fine, only it’s short lived and then I’m not.

DON'T! by KittySib, literature

Literature

DON'T!

Don’t talk to me! Stay away! Keep your friendly advice at bay! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone! No one could actually want or love me, So I’m locking everybody out! I don’t care what words you try to offer, It’s easier to be alone. Even alone it hurts, But I don’t want your false sympathy, your fake empathy, OR your pithy encouragement. You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t know how I feel, And YOU CAN”T MAKE IT BETTER!!! Go Away, Let me drown! I don’t need your hand! Watch if you want, But I won’t give you any chances to affect me anymore. Keep your religion and your lies, Keep them FAR AWAY FROM ME! I hate, I need, And I despair, But it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! You want to help? Well walk away. You have nothing at all to offer. Any intentions you might have towards me? Take my advice, And DON”T.

Vehement Longing by KittySib, literature

Literature

Vehement Longing

No matter what I say, sitting here the music sinks it’s fangs into my heart. I want you so much- if I only knew your name, I’d utter it with such longing you’d be summoned to my side. How much longer do I need to wait here in the dark? If I only knew your face, I’d search this world, until you were found. I hate how lonely I am without you. What must I do to grab your attention? Is it even possible for you to need me too? Or am I alone in this unattainable desire? I want to seduce your heart, make your pulse race, engage your intellect, and inspire your wildest dreams. Chase after me- I’m lost here in this twisted dream. I locked everyone out, my walls won’t fall so easily anymore. Lie to yourself if you want to, but don’t lie to me. Please don’t forget me, even if I do.

Looks Like I Disappeared Again... by KittySib, literature

Literature

Looks Like I Disappeared Again...

Day by day my breaker trips, losing memories bit by bit. The one you knew is locked away, leaving me unsure what to say. I was afraid you'd Disappear, but oh my word- the irony here. It seems I am the one who's gone. I blindly try to find the words, but everything feels too unsure. I'm fairly certain you didn't care too much, but how am I to know? I'm sorry, truly. I know you're kind. How should I approach you now? Is a friendship with me, even something you'll want to rekindle? Idly here I spin my gears, unsure of proper etiquette. All I know is that I don't want to be the cause of pain. Would it hurt you if I explain more? Or is it better that you know the score? I feel like such an awful friend, and yet this might be a better end. I have no confidence in myself, unsure of what I have to offer, aware I'm empty and still trying to assume a form. I'm sorry. Sorry I don't remember much, sorry I Disappeared. So very sorry... All that remains of the me before is my lingering regret.

Repressed Feelings by KittySib, literature

Literature

Repressed Feelings

It eats us alive how oblivious you are to all the hurt and pain you've caused me. I will never tell you how much hate, loathing and despair are welling up and locked away- because of YOU. I live a lie each time we speak, because I don't want the drama. You see nothing wrong with how you treat me, so what would be the point? Oh, but the things I could say- if I were to let Her off her leash! The cutting, hurtful, spiteful words: words which you deserve! But our creed is still not to do harm, even though protection isn't exactly something of which we feel you are worthy. The temptation to rip your soul to shreds- we are just barely resisting. I count the hours until I know the date of my escape. I will soon be free of you, and then perhaps Her murderous rage will at last subside. How sly you are to wear the guise of meek and mild weakness. We were fooled, but no longer shall we fall prey to your calculated pleas. After all, our dearest wish, our freedom- will soon be within reach.

Failure To Communicate by KittySib, literature

Literature

Failure To Communicate

I cut again. I failed to curb the impulse. I failed to appease those with expectation. But the stress and anger built until it had to spill out somewhere. And my skin is the canvas I chose, instead of cutting words. I don't want to break the friendship so I broke my skin instead. And yet I'm still upset, because you'll never know that your actions hurt so much I couldn't hold it in. That the hurt is written on my skin. That my trust is breaking with my hope and I'm lost inside again.

Twisted Thinking by KittySib, literature

Literature

Twisted Thinking

I'm allowed to be here. Most days I don't hate myself. I know I deserve to be happy. So why am I still a slave to my suicidal tendencies? Why is my reaction to depression to contemplate ending it all? Why can't I picture myself having a future? Something must be wrong with me, but I already knew that. It's just frustrating. I can't seem to kick this thought cycle. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be depressed or suicidal. I want a happy future. So why am I like this? It makes me feel hopeless and helpless. Am I just weak? Should I give up? Was it all worthless after all? I'm allowed to be here, so why am I having trouble staying? Did I miss something? Was I wrong to want to exist? I wish I didn't feel like this. I want it to stop. Please, make it stop...

Endless Darkness and Despair by KittySib, literature

Literature

Endless Darkness and Despair

I’m at my limit here. If I could scream, Oh, if only I could. I’m tied down by so many useless things. I just want to escape. There’s nothing here for me no matter how hard I try to find it. No one can save me, no one can help me, no one can connect to me. I’m trapped in this place, And nothing is helping. The angst and anger make me sick. Tears spill so uselessly. No matter how hard I struggle, nothing changes. Why am I still here? This is so frustrating. Why? Why does nothing change? Why do things persist in killing my soul? I’m alone, but the pain hasn’t lessened. Not in the least. I want to get rid of it, but there’s nothing I can do. My needs won’t be met no matter how desperately I beg. No matter who I ask, this gnawing need won’t be filled. I’m not even sure what it is, BUT- this desperation- this gnawing emptiness- this suffocating pain.... It’s stealing my sanity and will. I can’t move forward. I’m stuck in this place. Is it my fate to endlessly lose myself to this

Nightmares by KittySib, literature

Literature

Nightmares

Though they're just dreams, partial memories, everything is much too real. I wake to the intense emotions, painful and sincere: Why don't you love me? Why can't you accept me? How come you hate me so much? All of these, the pitiful cries of my younger self- She who begged so hard for the love you've always denied. Years later, now I'm grown, my past and emotions locked away. And yet- STILL, you have the power to inflict such misery. I thought I had grown stronger, that I'd been able to change. Obviously that's not the case, considering these dreams. I wish you didn't make me feel so pathetic, that I could ignore this painful need. Most of all I wish there was a way to comfort my younger self. Even now, I'm the only one to hear Her silent screams and bear her painful scars. I never wanted to feel this way again. How come my parents are the source of my most terrifying dreams? Even after all these years I come unraveled at the seams. Now I'm scared to go to sleep, lest I fall

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About KittySib

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Artist // Hobbyist // Varied

Aug 20, 1985
United States
Deviant for 11 years
ko-fi.com/kittysib
She / Her

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My Bio

Writing is my passion. I also draw some and crochet(a LOT). I now have a shop on etsy to sell the blankets I make.

The shop name is BlanketKitten. Feel free to check it out!

www.etsy.com/shop/BlanketKitte…

I want to reach out with my writings and inspire others. Even though it is easy to get lost in the darkness, one can almost always find a light-if you look for one. Some days even I don't look for the light... I struggle with depression, anxiety and diabetes.

Apparently I'm INFP, but aspects of it are a little skewed due to mental illness. I may be a bit strange and unconventional-I am a Kitty Cat Imperialist. (and yes, I'm serious) Anyways, I like making new friends. I try and be a nice person. Sometimes I watch people on DA because they seem really interesting! I hope you find what you are looking for and have a great day!

All shall be accomplished while serving the Kitties, who rule this world, though it is not widely known.

I have a novel in progress with my writing partner You can find all of it in my gallery in it's folder: Slipping Between Dreams. Feedback is always welcome! (Novel is on hiatus until further notice)

www.deviantart.com/kittysib/ga…

I love to read books, especially Ilona Andrews, David Weber, Anne Bishop, Ali Brandon, Sofie Kelly, Lorna Freeman, Wen Spencer, Shelly Laurenston, Seanan McGuire and Bruce Coville.

I'm a HUGE manga and anime fan! Some of my favorites are: Fairy Tail, Chobits, XXXHolic, Library Wars, Vampire Game, Mugen Spiral, and anything by Yuji Iwahara-including but not limited to Cats Paradise and King of Thorn.

My taste in music is varied, But some bands I absolutely adore are: Five Finger Death Punch, Three Days Grace, Five Iron Frenzy, Evanescence, Linkin Park, Papa Roach, Shawn Mendes, Epica, Nightwish and Blind Guardian. I also like to listen to a LOT of Nightcore on Youtube.

I have blue hair, which I found to be a very important life choice in order to help with my depression.

I post a fairly wide collection of art types. Poetry, song, stories and chapters, cat pics, blanket pics, drawings and digital art (mostly DAmuro), and the occasional random other things. Being creative is something I cherish a lot, and one of the things I can't handle being cut off from. It's an important part of me, and I hope you'll appreciate it too!

If you'd like to chat about books, anime, or anything else, feel free to note me! I'm not usually a monster (Pandemic has made me less social, so it may take me a while to get to notes and comments, and I may not be as much fun to talk to)

Favourite Visual Artist

I just like pretty things :)

Favourite Movies

Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, Treasure Planet, How to Train Your Dragon 1 and 2, Puss in Boots, the Underworld series, Mulan, The Road to El Dorado, Anastasia, Big Hero 6, Frozen, DeadPool 1 & 2, Zootopia, Your Name

Favourite TV Shows

Sgt. Frog, Library Wars, Chobits, Wallflower, Noragami, Fairy Tail, Sekirei, Heaven's Lost Property, Gokusen, Natsume's Book of Friends

Favourite Bands / Musical Artists

Blind Guardian, Five Finger Death Punch, Linkin Park, Five Iron Frenzy, I Am Ghost, the Aquabats, Night Wish, 2Cellos, Piano Guys, Stone Sour, Three Days Grace and a lot of Nightcore

Favourite Books

fantasy, sci-fi, fiction, romance:The Others(Anne Bishop)the Borderland Novels(Lorna Freeman)-Manga also: Vampire Game, Library Wars, Mugen Spiral, Until Death Do Us Part, Undertaker Riddle, Fairy Tail, Merman In My Tub

Favourite Writers

Ilona Andrews, Sofie Kelly, Shelly Laurenston, Seanan McGuire, Wen Spencer, Bruce Coville, Anne Bishop, Lorna Freeman

Favourite Games

Tic Tac Toe, Checkers , Hangman, Cookie Clicker, Munchkin, Mancala, Killer Bunnies, Qwirkle, Viridi, Guitar Hero, Apples to Apples, Ovipets, Animal Crossing

Favourite Gaming Platform

table games, card games, computer, dice games, X-Box (Guitar Hero), Nintendo Switch (Animal Crossing)

Tools of the Trade

computer, pencil, paper, eraser, yarn, crochet hook, sewing scissors, Imagination, music. affection from my cat :D

Other Interests

Time Travel, reading (books, manga, web comics, occasional web novel) writing, watching anime, crocheting, drawing/coloring, CATS, tigers, mer-people, anthros, fantasy, music, food (recently became diabetic), dragons and magic (in fantasy settings)