Listening to: Creed
Playing: With ideas........
It's been awhile since I wrote a journal entry or really uploaded much on here. Life's been a little rough lately. Husband and I moved and celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary in June, so that was nice. Good to have our own place now, but finances are a little strained, because I'm not able to work at the moment. My anti-depressants were in the process of stopping their working (which happens to me every three to seven years, it seems), so, I'm changing from one medication to another, and the withdrawal from the first one (even though I'm still on a little of it) is hellish. I get dizzy spells, flu-like symptoms (aches and pains, nausea, fatigue, etc.), migraines, and shakes (also called brain-zaps - it's when you have muscle spasms for no apparent reason, and they make me twitch all over). These things aren't good when you work as a dishwasher. I don't want to fall over or suddenly twitch and drop a bunch of plates or pass out in the sink or something, so it's best I don't go to work for the time being. Not that I particularly like my job as a dishwasher, but I like the place, the people, and the food, and it's money, so I feel bad for complaining. I may have to not go back to that job, though, as it's pretty stressful, and they were planning on cutting dishwasher hours, anyways. :/
I want to be able to contribute to rent or groceries or both, but I can't really do that with no income when I still have to pay for medications (insurance doesn't kick in until January 1, and, even then, I'll still have to pay like $10 per medication). Kind of want to go back to my old job at the photo lab, but I'm worried they won't take me back or they'll do the same thing they did before and not pay me on time/the agreed-upon wage. Not having a degree (and not having a way to get one) really cuts my options back, too. I know this sounds like I'm just griping about a bunch of stuff, but I kind of need to get out the concerns in my mind. It's all been driving me up a wall.
At least, without working, I've had a little more time to focus on my art and writing. Some days, I do pretty well. Other days, I have zero motivation to do anything whatsoever. Most days are somewhere between those two. Seriously, f**k depression. So many people don't understand that mental illness can make you feel physically ill. I mean, it makes sense, mental illness is illness of the brain, and the brain is part of your body, so, why wouldn't it affect the rest of you? And why do people not take mental illness more seriously or not believe it exists? The brain is only the organ that, I don't know, CONTROLS EVERYTHING YOU FEEL, DO, AND ARE. It is, arguably, one of the most important organs for survival. I mean, you can say that about everything, but the brain LITERALLY controls the activity of ALL of the other organs through the nervous system. So, why is brain illness not considered more of an issue? I mean, I know there's more physical brain illnesses, like brain cancer, tumors, epilepsy, etc., but, just because something isn't visible, it doesn't mean that thing doesn't exist. So you can't see exactly which part of the brain is causing depression. That doesn't mean it's not real. My depression is genetic and the result of a chemical imbalance. Without anti-depressants, I don't have control of my serotonin levels. This means that the chemicals that help me feel happiness, joy, or just plain "feeling okay and not like everything is awful" are either inhibited or lacking. Without my anti-depressants, I literally cannot feel okay. Everything starts going into "end of the world" mode. My anxiety sky-rockets, which makes my stomach sick and my heart beat fast, and I end up having trouble breathing. I sometimes have panic attacks. The depression makes me not want to get out of bed, makes me sore all over, makes me even more sensitive to light and sound than I already am (thanks to autism - woohoo), gives me headaches/migraines, and makes me have intrusive thoughts (usually suicidal or about wanting to hurt myself or just about really dismal things in general). This thing, this grey, spongy flesh-bag in my skull, is responsible for my existing in a halfway normal state, and people think that an illness of this thing, an illness I can't control without help, is not a disability. They think my autism is a disability, because it makes it hard for me to socialize (because God forbid anyone act anything other than NORMAL) and makes me extremely sensitive to certain things, but autism honestly isn't so bad. The only reason autism is a struggle is because of everyone else's response to it, not me. Depression and anxiety are the things that are truly disabling to me. But disability services doesn't believe that, because "there are people with anxiety and depression who work here at disability services". Well, good for them! There are different levels of those things, and mine is pretty severe. I'm not belittling those whose anxiety and depression are more "high-functioning". The person who said that doesn't know what their co-workers go through on a daily basis, how they struggle, because it isn't noticeable to them. And, if others don't notice it, they write it off as nonexistent. Which justifies, in their minds, writing off all depression and anxiety as nonexistent or unimportant.
I'm sorry for this long, aggravated journal entry. I'm just frustrated at the state of myself and the state of everything, really. I just want to be able to function without my brain going into self-destruct mode. Is that too much to ask? :sigh: