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Over the last year I have dedicated time to recalling what happened to me when I was sexually abused. I do think that to just get over it is healthy. I often had emotional outbursts thinking about what happened to me during that time of my life, however, I am not doing this to help just myself, but hopefully to help others understand what was going through my mind while I was being sexually abused. I wanted to research this because I feel I can help others who have been sexually abused, and also educate parents and teachers on the subject.

Since writing this I have realized writing this article helped me a lot: I donít feel so alienated by the experience at all anymore. I feel really good about myself for doing this and I have received feedback from many people with great support. This article has had literally hundreds of reads on many sites across the world wide web where I have published it. I feel that growth in esteem and perhaps just getting older in general has made me change a lot.

The sexual abuse began when I was only seven years old. It started while staying at my grandfather's house (mother's side of the family). My grandmother was in the room when he first exposed himself to me. I was very curious as to what he was doing and why he was doing it, that manipulation is common. It is not like he physically hurt me to do things, He just told me certain things were nice and other things. Part of me I feel knew something was strange about what he was doing because of the pure silence he wanted that first time. "Shh!" he would say constantly if I said anything that could be considered suspicious by his significant other in the room. He was a very fun person to be around, he did lots of things and showed me lots of things. I have always be the introverted type of person who likes to know how things work, I am naturally intrigued by the world. He fueled that curiosity in me with more than sexual behavior long before it started. I knew for some reason that he did not want people to know, and I loved and respected him. So I always tried my best to keep things that way as best as possible.

As the sexual abuse continued, probably after some months, could be three, could be six (my memory is not the most reliable instrument on the planet) the way I was treated was appalling due to the ignorance of many of my teachers. Because I was being abused I had images of sex in my mind. To the teachers I was a risk to the wellbeing of students in my class. I remember in primary school I found other children with similar sexual interests all throughout the school. I know some of these people now, and some in particular were going through the same thing, that same responsibility of silence was on all of us at the time. My abuser did not like the sound of it when I first told him I had expressed myself and experimented sexually. So I was silent about that to him as well, thank god I think now. Perhaps he would have desired to meet some of them, even some of the more innocent people and abuse them as well.

I never really understood what sex was at all. Putting sex into a certain context with our children is a good idea I think, not ďOh My God Ruining Their Childhood from InnocenceĒ and certainly not abusing them or anything like that. If you at least put the basics of these relationships into some context, and it has been tried and tested with some families more open to provide kids the defense they need. After the conviction of my abuser and the discovery of my abuse a psychologist (who I contacted recently for the further editing of this article) showed me through a very good manual for kids. Right then, after it had happened, when it was far to late.


However when I acted upon sexual behavior at a very young age, rather than them seeing something was wrong, I was punished for what I had done (literally, I would say things and get in trouble for things that most kids would never know at that age, personally I think thatís as immoral as being a sex abuser for acting like that with a child). This discipline caused me to become even more silent, I started to suppress myself socially and avoid people. This seed of self-hate, and hate of others for their mindless persecution was planted in my mind. This seed grew into a furious tree that erupted primarily in the later years of my life. I had grown a sadistic streak, and a craving for attention from my deep seeded attention seeking behavior.

With a lot of people I have met this same cycle of low self esteem has seemed prone to lead to attention seeking behavior. As my behavior further developed, especially in early high school, I believe in my first year of high school I was suspended for harassment, sexual harassment (primarily verbal, including some very mild physical harassment), and other things, at least around 20 times. I grew to become the class clown, and suddenly became to make friends with who were certainly the wrong people. Some of these people changed just like I have, some of them grew up.

With this behavior getting worse and worse, it was all simply because I hated people deeply. This was because I felt alienated, I was accustomed to this alienation deep within myself - they seemed to hate me, so I really hated them. I recall in year eight, my second year of high school, I was made to see the school psychologist. He once said "I think you want revenge for what happened to you." That statement I would not consider true at all, I never acted on revenge, I acted on attention. The lack of compassion that allowed me to act that way, it was fueled by the simple hate. I did not care about these people, or any people at all, really. I think most of this stemmed also from my mothers constant behavioral problems, her natural tendency to do everything except understand. I took the comment as another blow to my self-esteem. In years nine and ten, I was at a new school. I had become so afraid of myself I would never even speak. I failed year ten from lack of attendance, and amphetamine addiction, a terrible thing I have now surpassed.

Back to when I was a child. When it was discovered by my parents that I had thrush. They could not find how I had possibly caught it, and kept trying to discover what had happened, the question, I never knew the answer to myself. My mother asked me a question "has anyone been touching you?" and explained it a little. "Paa!" I screamed, I immediately had felt like I betrayed my abuser, my grandfather. I felt guilty and I broke down into tears. The tears were more than that, just a sudden crack in thoughts, my mothers response was the same, she started crying. This further led to me to believe that something terrible had happened here. She had to be put on an antidepressant drug to even leave the house after this had happened.

Following this experience, for a long time I had felt what I had done was wrong. I would never tell anybody the things I did, to a high degree I often lied about what he did because it was far too disgusting by then. I remember when I was about 12 I had a friend, a male friend. We started experimenting with sex and other things like a lot of children do. I think this became apparent to his parents, and from that point, I haven't even talked to him. This was my best friend, and that hurt me a lot more than anything did at any point, the alienation, the silence. They would not talk to me, they told my mother something and she just told me not to worry about it, that some people don't understand.


I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I do have difficulties regarding mood swings and irrational depression. It is in the opinions of my current psychiatrists that this is related directly to the abuse and to the social alienation I experienced. I used to be angry, hateful and most of all confused and misunderstood. Things have changed and I have real friends, I have formed good friendships with even one of the girls who I harassed a lot at early high school. I no longer get so angry, I love life now. Remember that no matter what happens to you and no matter how different you feel, as long as you are a human being with integrity you are absolutely beautiful.

A note to pedophiles who I am very well aware will read this article: Consensual sexual abuse is not acceptable, no matter what you say, it will harm a child, because this society we live in systematically and automatically alienates people who went through what I did at that age. You are destroying peoples lives doing this. I might just add the first draft of this article was from a suicide note I wrote a year ago. I was determined to kill myself, and I have done many silly things to try and achieve this. And I hope you have the compassion to get treatment for your problems. I know it worked for me when I did late 2004, and that is another story altogether. And you are also, a human being like everyone else and you have the responsibility and ability to achieve to overcome your problems.

If you suspect someone is being sexually abused, it is not just the right thing to do to speak out, it is your duty and responsibility to do so. If you are unsure of what to do, and yes it is very hard to make a decision, I myself being very involved now in helping people with sexual abuse, rape, and many other things including domestic violence and child abuse have discovered it is not easy for most people to know what to do. I suggest if this is your circumstances you talk to a councilor or a therapist that will know the appropriate path of action for the victim and the child.

I hope this essay can educate others. If you disagree with any opinions in the article feel free to email me at kintarowins@gmail.com and share your points with me. Also feel free to contact me on any of your own problems, questions, regarding yourself, your children, your students. I donít know everything, but I know of many resources, and people that can help you understand things.

I would like to thank Daniel Farmilo for giving me the strength to post this on the Internet in the first place, and my old friend Edward Balderrama from xmike.com who was the first fellow male who has ever opened up to me about his abuse and problems from it, Ed if you can read this from anywhere, Iíll never forget you, I wish you had have realized how much you were to me as a fellow human being and not pulled the trigger on that fateful day in June 2004.

I would like to thank the comments of various people from psychforum.com and wikipedia.org for encouraging me to revise and rewrite this article further.

You may share this document freely. Copyleft, John Tate 2004.

Please thank Daniel Farmilo for the editing
I have written this recount of my sexual abuse and what was going through my mind at the time. Since the original drafting of it, and later edits, it has quadripled in size and I have recently edited it even further. This is not just aimed at other victims of sexual abuse, I think a whole lot of people could learn a thing or two from this article. This recent and further revised insight into my abuse is far better then the last version online of the article and goes to more detail in some aspects including my behavior and the onset and beginning of the abuse, I have further documented the silence in this essay.

Feel free to critisize it.

I keep a copy on my local server [link] (local being literally 4 feet from my face as I write this) the local copy will be more freqently updated. There is a PDF copy availible online [link] which is better if you wish to print the article and show it to people.

If you wish to help edit it, you can edit it using my personal wiki [link] freely and I will submit the edits done onto the online copy on the forum as I see appropriate.
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:iconbreakingkittens:
breakingkittens Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2005
I haven't been sexually abused, I mean not more than the average teenager. But I was physically abused for 5 years and I noticed a lot of similarities, like the shame of thinking you did something terrible even though you are the victim. I was watching the news a while ago and a 10 year old or so girl was kidnapped and raped and found dead and I wrote a poem about her. It's titled Mr. Magician, tell me what you think about it if you get the time. It's one of my deviations posted.
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:iconkintarowins:
kintarowins Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2005
I have also noticed a lot of similar things between childhood assult and sexual abuse victims.
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:iconole-the-man:
Ole-the-Man Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2005
Heh. Not bad, although I don't think callin' your daughter a slut means you should be taken away the right to bear them (since they still need you as a parent, considering it might just be a joke) and little kids don't understand insults, so...heh, most of the time they're just hearing the word "slut" withouth them being called it, so it's not a big deal unless they're being abused. But hey, I'm not protectin' them; If they did say that to their daughter, I'd keep an' eye on 'em...

Heheheheh.
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:iconkintarowins:
kintarowins Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2005
Im talking about girls 15 and 16 here with self esteem issues that lead them to act that way, calling them sluts will only make them feel worse. If it is said as a joke then [b]obviously[/b] it does not count as much of course.

People using that language around children should have certain vocal organs removed.
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