COMMISSIONS: CLOSED kinggigasmon.deviantart.com/jo…
I feel like it’s time to talk about one of the things that has contributed to my depression this summer. A lot of people who read this won’t really get it, but one person might and it probably won’t change anything.
A while back, I got watched by a person (who for reasons of privacy won’t be named, and because none of this is their fault) who told me that I was a favorite artist of theirs and had inspired them to pursue art seriously. Now, I have to tell you that stroked my ego a great deal. The person in question commented frequently on my deviations and was always very supportive of me in my times of depression or when I wasn’t submitting that much. And the thing was I had never met them. They were a faceless person online. But because of their help for me, I tried to be nurturing and supportive of their art, which really shows promise and creativity.
A few months ago, I was going out of state for a good friend’s wedding, and when I posted a journal about my upcoming trip, the deviant in question casually commented that the place I was going for the wedding was in their home state. I was surprised, thinking, “Wow, small world!” I wrote back asking whereabouts they were in that state, not really thinking anything about it and not seriously thinking I would meet them just to say ‘hi’. I can’t recall after all this time what they wrote back exactly, but it was something along the lines of, “Uh-uh-uh! Bad bad bad! No giving away personal information!” That’s not it exactly, but to the same effect.
It was like a knife right in my chest when they wrote that. The mocking, scolding tone made me feel like a child. It opened up a lot of emotional scars for me, things I don’t really want to get into now. In short, I felt embarrassed, ashamed and guilty. I immediately deleted the journal and retreated into myself, not wanting to acknowledge that person’s existence because I feared being scolded again. This was in the back of my mind the whole time I was in town for the wedding, even though I had a great time.
When I came back, my instinct was to draw a fanart picture for them as a way of atoning for what I did. I got a message from the person saying how much they loved it and how emotional it made them. I ignored the message. I didn’t want their praise. I didn’t want their appreciation. I wanted to atone for my sin and be left alone. I decided, subconsciously, to not respond to their comments on any of my future work. I didn’t want to flat out express my feelings by blocking them, but decided to go the passive aggressive route and snub their comments, no matter how kind. In between their comment in the journal and when I did the fanart, they noted me saying they hoped I wasn’t offended by their refusal to not give away their location and pleasantly, and logically reiterated it.
What really makes this whole thing painful is that it is an overreaction from me, and I know it. They didn’t do ANYTHING wrong, and they didn’t mean for me to be hurt. They had no idea what would go on in my brain, what my emotions would make me do. It was something beyond their knowledge and control, and their response was perfectly reasonable. I KNOW this, and I can’t make myself forgive them. My own mind won’t let me bury the hatchet, swallow my pride and say I’m sorry.
And worse, I think that after a couple of months of snubbing them and replying to everyone else but them has gotten the message across. They haven’t commented on anything, even things they’ve commented a bunch of times on for encouragement. They know I’m a jerk and I’m positive I’ve burned the bridge between us. I’ve tossed aside someone who supported me when I was at my worst for something that wasn’t their fault, and I can’t bring myself to be the bigger man.FAVORITE DEVIANTS:
(in no particular order)