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Lives divide, they fly apart
Tearing away right from the start
Causing us to bleed and cry
It shows in our disheartened sigh

I love them both, but they can't stand
To see me in the other's hands
They won't speak, they don't want to brawl
When they hand me off my tears will fall

They've lost their love, they've gone away
I want to scream, I have no say
I fall silent, it's all I know
Crying out mutely "Please don't go"

I was at the lake, there to cry
When he so happened to walk by
He saved my life and for a while
I finally remembered how to smile

He showed me kindness I'd forgot
He helped me remember what I sought
The love that once my family shared
I felt so glad that someone cared

But it all was for naught that day
For he had to up and go away
My smile lasted while he was near
But then it fled, replaced by fear

I'm sick of this, I'm giving up
Even I can't make them love
The least I thought that they would give
Was to stop the hate so I could live

I have not spoken since that time
My parents took it as a sign
They blamed each other, they never learn
And now they fight over my urn
This is for :icon1000-words-story: 's contest
It's from the view of someone who's family is coming apart at the seams. It's not nearly as hopeful as 1000 Words, but it's my take on things.

Thanks for reading! if you like it, say so, if you don't, tell me why ^^
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:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2011  Student Writer
Congratulations on winning! :party: You totally deserve it! :D
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:iconkillrict:
Killrict Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2011
thanks ^^
I didn't expect to win!
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:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2011  Student Writer
Haha, I did! :D Your poem really stood out!
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:iconkillrict:
Killrict Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2011
thank you ^^
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:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2011  Student Writer
This is pretty good, especially this part: "I was at the lake, there to cry/When he so happened to walk by/He saved my life and for a while/I finally remembered how to smile."

But there were a few awkward lines. Especially the last two. It felt like you did that just to make it rhyme. Or it might be I'm missing some reference about the urn thing, but I don't know...^^;

"My smile lasted while he was near/But then it fled, replaced by fear" This part was good! But I thought it would have said "But then it fled when he disappeared." I'd say it's good as it is, but just an alternative that popped into my head!

And also, I feel like this should end on a more hopeful note, because that's the theme and tone of 1000 Words. But well, that's your choice.

Good luck! :D
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:iconkillrict:
Killrict Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2011
Ah, I was wondering if people were understanding the last two lines or not. It's not really a reference, it just for you to infer what you will. An urn is what ashes are kept in from someone who's been cremated.

And I know it *should* be more hopeful, but Everyone I know with divorced parents say it's pretty mush hell, so I decided on a more somber tone

Thanks a ton for the feedback!! No one ever wants to tell me what I do wrong T^T
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:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2011  Student Writer
Ah, I see. So it's kind of like they're fighting over her/his dead body? Or more like dead spirit, but yeah, now it makes sense! :D

Yeah, I guess. Though I've discovered people with divorced parents are a lot more independent than the people without. I have a few friends with divorced parents, even though it's still sad, they learn to overcome it and mature a lot faster. Though it's true they would never had the chance to enjoy a happy childhood, because it kind of thrust them into the adult world.

Well, that's my two cents on the subject! This is more of a question of personal opinion.

You're welcome! I tend to go into a "obsessive-compulsive editing mode" when people ask for feedback...^^; So I'm glad you're okay with it! :D
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:iconkillrict:
Killrict Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2011
Yeah, thanks a ton! You should check out my gallery... I might finally get some honest feedback on my work ^^

speaking of which, you may not have commented on my journal, but I'm adding you to my features meme. ^^
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:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2011  Student Writer
Haha, you're very welcome! And thank you so much for featuring me...I'm so honored...*sniff sniff*

Hm...Since you're looking for constructive criticism...

One thing I found as I browse through your gallery is that a lot of your poems rhyme, or have a structure.

Now, rhyming and structure is great and all, but sometimes trying too hard to keep the rhythm makes it awkward. You have a talent for imagery and symbolism, as shown through your free-style poems, but I think the rhyming sometimes prevent that from developing fully. So my suggestion to you is: don't try too hard to rhyme. Just write down your thoughts. If they rhyme, great. If they don't, that's great too!
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:iconkillrict:
Killrict Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2011
Wow... you just said the exact opposite words of every other person I've ever had look at my stuff o.O

THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING POETRY!!!

No, really, it means a lot to meet someone who know it's not all about the rhyme ^^
Reply
:iconlittlecloudflower:
littlecloudflower Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2011  Student Writer
Haha, thanks. It's also very nice to meet someone who accepts constructive criticism! My friends keep on complaining how I always edit their stuff too much...:D

And yeah, I used to be all about rhymes when I first discovered poetry too. Which was why my early works were so crappy that I'm embarrassed to show them...^^; But after learning about it at school I realized the real beauty of it is not the rhyme, but the idea behind it. :D
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:iconourbluerose:
OurBlueRose Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I'd suggested making the only two lines that don't rhyme together rhyme. It'd keep the flow and not make people stop for a second going.. that changed.

So..

"I'm sick of this, I'm giving up
Even I can't make them love"

Maybe change it to...

"I'm sick of this, It's my last shove
Even I can't make them love"

:shrug: Don't have to but it's just a suggestion, as well as at the end of your sentences add punctuation. Otherwise this is all just one big run-on sentence. Also, most of your lines have 8 syllables but a few are off, even though reading it out loud sounds perfectly fine, if you edited those few that are off it could possibly sound even better.

Overall, love the poem, and a very good message behind it as well. =)
Reply
:iconkillrict:
Killrict Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011
Thanks a ton, I'd forgotten about those two lines ^^;

I'll fix it, and add some punctuation, although I find that the passage/section breaks tend to do a lot of that for me.
Reply
:iconourbluerose:
OurBlueRose Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Mkay. =D
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