keiiii's avatar
I choose to fight
By keiiii   |   Watch
252 54 5K (1 Today)
Published: June 3, 2014
© 2014 - 2019 keiiii
This is getting ridiculous. It's not rational. 

I'm feeling so down about my works, it's reached a new low. I've become afraid to post my new stuff (not that there's a lot of it). It's not that I think people are going to hate it... The thinking part of me knows it's not THAT bad. Still I can't shake off this heavy feeling in my chest, nor turn off the voice in my head. It tells me to just lock the door, crawl into that corner and curl up forever. It tells me I'm just not good enough.

I've never felt like this before. This is different from being intimidated. It's just... I don't know.

I don't know how to beat it. (I don't want people being overly nice to me just to cheer me up; that much I know. If you post something positive about my art, please mean it 100%. I want appreciators, not cheerleaders.)

But I'll take a guess. Maybe NOT listening to that voice is a step in the right direction. And maybe that means... doing exactly the opposite of what it tells me to do.

That's why I'm posting this.

Hello, world. I'm keiiii with four i's. This is me trying to fight the bad voice.

It's ANOTHER fanart of the Tower of God, and no, I'm not obsessed with that series. The characters are really fun to draw, though! This particular character is not supposed to have those ears or that tail, but it was the theme for a group fanart thing (that got cancelled, oh well).
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anonymous's avatar
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TaliC-os's avatar
TaliC-osProfessional Digital Artist
Are you feeling better now? (this art is pretty old now) =/ I know what you feel, but seeing artists I look up too saying things like this? Your art is beautiful, Heart of Keol is great, and I mean it.
keiiii's avatar
keiiii General Artist
It hasn't gone away, but I'm getting more used to it and learning how to cope with it. I couldn't do it without support from you and the others! :heart: 
TaliC-os's avatar
TaliC-osProfessional Digital Artist
I wish I knew what to do to make you feel better and more confident. But I am in the same situation >< But you should believe people when they say your art is amazing, it is, maybe it is just the artist's curse.
Mythee's avatar
MytheeHobbyist General Artist
Ohh, you read ToG too! At first I thought you were posting something Children of Rekkadar related because cat ears and tai and magical prowlers but this is cool toooooooo. And ya I guess this looks like you spent less time on it than your older works, so you didn't refine it as much? You still have epic skillz with the brush and colors and dramatic shading, but if your other works are all masterpieces then this is more of an epic colored sketch kind of thing! It still has a lot of spirit and your great technique shows through, but it doesn't have the same amount of detail as your other works. It's still something everyone will be pleased to see because it's epic and pretty and cute character etc. and I really appreciate you sharing it, so thank you! 
DelusionalLove's avatar
Sad to hear that you're afraid to post art when you are so amazing.
Your art very pleasing and has wonderful colors.

By the way, it that the kid with the electric powers? forgot his name... too many characters in TOG....
SteeKira's avatar
SteeKiraProfessional General Artist
I would like to give you a little thing that I hope picks you up in some way. What I'm about to say is 100% genuine, no BS:

When I was in my younger teens, I read a little comic/manga series called Serenity. This is actually how I discovered your art (and yes, I know you didn't write this particular series.) When I was young, I was going through a phase of looking for good christian books and stuff like that, and a friend of mine in high school recommended it to me. I really liked it and thought the art was good. It made me want to make my own manga/comics, and it contributed somewhat to figuring out how to write good comics (in regards to what works with art and story telling and what doesn't.)

As I got older, my tastes have changed when it comes to what I read (I don't just read Christian-themed stuff anymore). I saw the flaws in some of your older work, but I noticed something about your art and the series. Each volume improved from the last. The story and art gradually became better. It may not be Marvel or DC quality,  but it taught me something important: You're always going to see flaws in your old work. Even if you make the greatest work ever, or if you become published, nothing is perfect. Trying to achieve true perfection is pointless, but that just simply means you'll never stop improving. Your art will always become increasingly better as time goes on.

Fast forward to my mid-late teens when I discovered your Haru-Sari comic and your deviantart. There was a huge jump of improvement and storytelling, and I was able to watch and see how your art improved little by little in your comic and on your DA. It made me feel a little more secure about my own work. It, at the very least, put a spark in me to be less afraid of sharing my work. Even some of my old stuff. 

So, when I look at this piece, I not only see a wonderful use of color, light, shadow and action, I see constant improvement. I see that in a lot of artists here and it's always encouraging to see. What helped me with my art is that mistakes always taught me something, showed me where I could improve. It lead me to experiment and try something new. "I've always drawn like this, why don't I try drawing in this new way instead?" Do you keep a sketchbook around? If you do, try drawing little things in it, even if you're just doodling flowers. Draw for fun. You don't have to show anybody. Think of it like your own little personal drawing diary where you can practice and improve and do whatever you want. Sometimes I use mine as a place to vent any emotion I have, and that really helps with my depression and anxiety...or if I'm just really missing my bf.

Does this help at all? I really wish you the best and I hope you feel better soon. Art blocks are rough, and sometimes they take a long time to get through. I really hope this helps, even if it's just a little bit. 
Kalietha's avatar
KaliethaProfessional Digital Artist
I'm loving the color combo on this one! Quite serious, it's all pretty-neon-shiiiinnnyyyy.....

As for why you're feeling this way...Maybe this journal entry by DamaiMikaz will help? It's helped me in the past, especially learning about the concept embodied by the graph at the bottom.

Journal Entry
AsDeCorazones's avatar
AsDeCorazonesProfessional Photographer
Keiiii, with four i's, I think your work of art is magnificent!
I really love it so much, I want to commission you with some characters, are you available?

Note me if you're interested

We all go through some sort of self sabotage, I've been feeling the same, plus my lack of a girlfriend really affects not only my mood but my model availability! XD
Anyway, I hope to hear from you, Really

reve7747's avatar
bright and vibrant, very nice
TsengEclipse's avatar
TsengEclipseHobbyist Writer
First and most importantly, I love your art and it's amazing. Always have. It's inspired me (admittedly as a writer, rather than an artist - and your writing is amazing too) in ways that are hard to put into words.
Secondly, that sounds a lot like clinical depression or possibly anxiety disorder, both things which I have suffered from. Publishing your work is a very good start! If it is some sort of depression, seeing a doctor might help if it continues for much longer. I coped alone for about a year before going to see someone, so it's not impossible, but it might do some good :)
Okami-Kiera's avatar
Okami-KieraHobbyist Digital Artist
Your situation sounds really terrible and also very relateable :( external validation helps a little but I think (or for me at least) it's a matter of letting go of any ungodly high standards or, preferably, doing everything possible to reach them. I'm not sure if or when the results of practice/improvement should be showing, but you seem to be able to rise to the challenges you set for yourself-- your work has an amazing variety of settings, moods, lighting schemes, angles and poses, all executed beautifully. Throughout the years I've been watching you I sometimes forget you're here, but every post brings me back to your gallery and it's like discovering it all over again :)
keiiii's avatar
keiiii General Artist
It's true; the problem is not the lack of external validation. It's something else entirely. I've been suspecting that at the core, it's not even about art at all... some other life-related stress spreading over to my artistic side.

I'm glad you've been enjoying my art for such a long time! Makes me wish I had more new stuff that I can post... Wonder when will be the next time I finish a picture that can stand on its own, rather than a part of a long term project.
Yagamiseven's avatar
This is really amazing but it looks like he was horns 
kathy100's avatar
Gahhh TAT! I'm so sorry to hear you've been strugging with this lately, Keiiii!  :iconnewglomp: :heart:

For me, I love your art and...even though we haven't hung out much across these recent years...still consider you an important friend. So even if your art did suck ( obviously doesn't O_O;; I am continually in awe of your sense of colors, anatomy, composition, everything :la: :la: :la: :heart: ) I'd still want to see your new art and comment on it and hear about what fandoms you're interested in and what's been going on in your life! I'm pretty sure a lot of other people on DA feel the same way, too! Please don't feel pressured about whether your art is good enough or not to post TAT!!! It's all for fun anyways on DA, right? :iconbrohugplz:  

And OMGYES TOWER OF GOD *3*!! I really enjoyed the first season (haven't read the second yet). What a gorgeous fanart for this...I adore the lighting and his intense eyes *_* :heart: :heart:
harumeau's avatar
harumeauProfessional General Artist
This is wonderful. The color palette is bright and has a lot of good variety. I like the action and movement in his pose too. :) Please don't give up. I've been watching you for awhile...I can't remember when I started...and I've always loved what you post.  I've had the same feeling you describe for a few months as well, so I know what you're going through. Keep doing art and don't be afraid, because there's nothing to be afraid of. It's a good thing to fight bad voices. :hug: 
Dreamer-T's avatar
Dreamer-TProfessional Digital Artist
Looks pretty good to me :) Keep on arting :thumbsup::aww:
Cutsceneaddict's avatar
Please don't stop drawing! I love your art. I know that you're going through an artist's rut right now, but know that you have tons of people who love and support what you do. I'm one of those people.

I first found you through your Fire Emblem art several years ago. I loved it so much, I saved it all to my computer. One of my home computers has had one of your Fire Emblem pieces as its background for several years now (I change it to a different one every-so-often). I find your work so inspirational and unique and look forward to every new one.

I don't know anything about Tower of God, but I really like what you did with this picture. I find the colors and lighting very mesmerizing and pleasant to look at :)
Drakohn's avatar
DrakohnHobbyist Digital Artist
Keiiii, it is with complete honesty that I say I adore your work, and have been incredibly inspired by it. It's been shaping how I experiment with light in my own work ever since I first discovered yours. Your work speaks to me on a level that most other people's art doesn't.

You're right not to listen to the voice. Just do art for the sake of art, and post it so you can feel better knowing you saw something through to the end. The more you give up and don't make that final step, the harder it gets. So what if every piece isn't "better" than the one before it?  You've still created something. Maybe you don't see the improvement now - maybe it looks like a plateau - but that doesn't mean you're not learning from it.

Hang in there and keep on drawing!
keiiii's avatar
keiiii General Artist
Thank you. I wish I could articulate my appreciation for your support, but I can't, so this will have to do. D: :heart:
teh-silver-wolfeh's avatar
teh-silver-wolfehStudent General Artist
I know how you feel. I've been having the same voice in my own head lately, not just with art, but also with my writing. I just want to let you know, though, that in all the years I've been watching you, your art has never failed to inspire me. The way you use color and light so vividly is something I want to learn for myself.

Keep on fighting, keiiii.
per-the-muse's avatar
per-the-museHobbyist General Artist
i'm adding this to my faves- not because it's super-perfect!, but because i appreciate that you post it despite knowing that it has flaws, which takes a courage that i value even more than the art. :)

i'm not sure why you disappeared! D: why did you disappear? we should chat sometime! where are you in the world?
keiiii's avatar
keiiii General Artist
I thought YOU had disappeared... XD

For some months, I took a break because of health problems. I'd totally be up for chatting~
per-the-muse's avatar
per-the-museHobbyist General Artist
you're not wrong, haha. xP i've pretty much fallen off the face of deviantart. my excuse is work. loads of work.

D: i really hope that your health is doing better. goodness, months? that sounds awful. i'm sorry.

what do you use for chatting? geez, awkward moment: i don't think that i have any of your contact info anymore. augh. i'll gaia-pm you, haha. :D
keiiii's avatar
keiiii General Artist
I haven't been on Gaia in forever... XD Feel free to note me on dA!

My health is definitely better. No idea what it was that kept me sick for so long. It just went away on its own.
anonymous's avatar
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