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I choose to fight by keiiii I choose to fight by keiiii
This is getting ridiculous. It's not rational. 

I'm feeling so down about my works, it's reached a new low. I've become afraid to post my new stuff (not that there's a lot of it). It's not that I think people are going to hate it... The thinking part of me knows it's not THAT bad. Still I can't shake off this heavy feeling in my chest, nor turn off the voice in my head. It tells me to just lock the door, crawl into that corner and curl up forever. It tells me I'm just not good enough.

I've never felt like this before. This is different from being intimidated. It's just... I don't know.

I don't know how to beat it. (I don't want people being overly nice to me just to cheer me up; that much I know. If you post something positive about my art, please mean it 100%. I want appreciators, not cheerleaders.)

But I'll take a guess. Maybe NOT listening to that voice is a step in the right direction. And maybe that means... doing exactly the opposite of what it tells me to do.

That's why I'm posting this.

Hello, world. I'm keiiii with four i's. This is me trying to fight the bad voice.

It's ANOTHER fanart of the Tower of God, and no, I'm not obsessed with that series. The characters are really fun to draw, though! This particular character is not supposed to have those ears or that tail, but it was the theme for a group fanart thing (that got cancelled, oh well).
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:icontalic-os:
TaliC-os Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
Are you feeling better now? (this art is pretty old now) =/ I know what you feel, but seeing artists I look up too saying things like this? Your art is beautiful, Heart of Keol is great, and I mean it.
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015   General Artist
It hasn't gone away, but I'm getting more used to it and learning how to cope with it. I couldn't do it without support from you and the others! :heart: 
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:icontalic-os:
TaliC-os Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
I wish I knew what to do to make you feel better and more confident. But I am in the same situation >< But you should believe people when they say your art is amazing, it is, maybe it is just the artist's curse.
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:iconmythee:
Mythee Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Ohh, you read ToG too! At first I thought you were posting something Children of Rekkadar related because cat ears and tai and magical prowlers but this is cool toooooooo. And ya I guess this looks like you spent less time on it than your older works, so you didn't refine it as much? You still have epic skillz with the brush and colors and dramatic shading, but if your other works are all masterpieces then this is more of an epic colored sketch kind of thing! It still has a lot of spirit and your great technique shows through, but it doesn't have the same amount of detail as your other works. It's still something everyone will be pleased to see because it's epic and pretty and cute character etc. and I really appreciate you sharing it, so thank you! 
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:icondelusionallove:
DelusionalLove Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014
Sad to hear that you're afraid to post art when you are so amazing.
Your art very pleasing and has wonderful colors.

By the way, it that the kid with the electric powers? forgot his name... too many characters in TOG....
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:iconsteekira:
SteeKira Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2014  Professional General Artist
I would like to give you a little thing that I hope picks you up in some way. What I'm about to say is 100% genuine, no BS:

When I was in my younger teens, I read a little comic/manga series called Serenity. This is actually how I discovered your art (and yes, I know you didn't write this particular series.) When I was young, I was going through a phase of looking for good christian books and stuff like that, and a friend of mine in high school recommended it to me. I really liked it and thought the art was good. It made me want to make my own manga/comics, and it contributed somewhat to figuring out how to write good comics (in regards to what works with art and story telling and what doesn't.)

As I got older, my tastes have changed when it comes to what I read (I don't just read Christian-themed stuff anymore). I saw the flaws in some of your older work, but I noticed something about your art and the series. Each volume improved from the last. The story and art gradually became better. It may not be Marvel or DC quality,  but it taught me something important: You're always going to see flaws in your old work. Even if you make the greatest work ever, or if you become published, nothing is perfect. Trying to achieve true perfection is pointless, but that just simply means you'll never stop improving. Your art will always become increasingly better as time goes on.

Fast forward to my mid-late teens when I discovered your Haru-Sari comic and your deviantart. There was a huge jump of improvement and storytelling, and I was able to watch and see how your art improved little by little in your comic and on your DA. It made me feel a little more secure about my own work. It, at the very least, put a spark in me to be less afraid of sharing my work. Even some of my old stuff. 

So, when I look at this piece, I not only see a wonderful use of color, light, shadow and action, I see constant improvement. I see that in a lot of artists here and it's always encouraging to see. What helped me with my art is that mistakes always taught me something, showed me where I could improve. It lead me to experiment and try something new. "I've always drawn like this, why don't I try drawing in this new way instead?" Do you keep a sketchbook around? If you do, try drawing little things in it, even if you're just doodling flowers. Draw for fun. You don't have to show anybody. Think of it like your own little personal drawing diary where you can practice and improve and do whatever you want. Sometimes I use mine as a place to vent any emotion I have, and that really helps with my depression and anxiety...or if I'm just really missing my bf.

Does this help at all? I really wish you the best and I hope you feel better soon. Art blocks are rough, and sometimes they take a long time to get through. I really hope this helps, even if it's just a little bit. 
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:iconkalietha:
Kalietha Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Student Digital Artist
I'm loving the color combo on this one! Quite serious, it's all pretty-neon-shiiiinnnyyyy.....

As for why you're feeling this way...Maybe this journal entry by DamaiMikaz will help? It's helped me in the past, especially learning about the concept embodied by the graph at the bottom.

Journal Entry
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:iconasdecorazones:
AsDeCorazones Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Professional Photographer
Keiiii, with four i's, I think your work of art is magnificent!
I really love it so much, I want to commission you with some characters, are you available?

Note me if you're interested

We all go through some sort of self sabotage, I've been feeling the same, plus my lack of a girlfriend really affects not only my mood but my model availability! XD
Anyway, I hope to hear from you, Really

Alexa
:blowkiss:
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:iconreve7747:
reve7747 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014
bright and vibrant, very nice
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:icontsengeclipse:
TsengEclipse Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
First and most importantly, I love your art and it's amazing. Always have. It's inspired me (admittedly as a writer, rather than an artist - and your writing is amazing too) in ways that are hard to put into words.
 
Secondly, that sounds a lot like clinical depression or possibly anxiety disorder, both things which I have suffered from. Publishing your work is a very good start! If it is some sort of depression, seeing a doctor might help if it continues for much longer. I coped alone for about a year before going to see someone, so it's not impossible, but it might do some good :)
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:iconokami-kiera:
Okami-Kiera Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your situation sounds really terrible and also very relateable :( external validation helps a little but I think (or for me at least) it's a matter of letting go of any ungodly high standards or, preferably, doing everything possible to reach them. I'm not sure if or when the results of practice/improvement should be showing, but you seem to be able to rise to the challenges you set for yourself-- your work has an amazing variety of settings, moods, lighting schemes, angles and poses, all executed beautifully. Throughout the years I've been watching you I sometimes forget you're here, but every post brings me back to your gallery and it's like discovering it all over again :)
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2014   General Artist
It's true; the problem is not the lack of external validation. It's something else entirely. I've been suspecting that at the core, it's not even about art at all... some other life-related stress spreading over to my artistic side.

I'm glad you've been enjoying my art for such a long time! Makes me wish I had more new stuff that I can post... Wonder when will be the next time I finish a picture that can stand on its own, rather than a part of a long term project.
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:iconyagamiseven:
Yagamiseven Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014
This is really amazing but it looks like he was horns 
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:iconkathy100:
kathy100 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014
Gahhh TAT! I'm so sorry to hear you've been strugging with this lately, Keiiii!  :iconnewglomp: :heart:

For me, I love your art and...even though we haven't hung out much across these recent years...still consider you an important friend. So even if your art did suck (which...it obviously doesn't O_O;; I am continually in awe of your sense of colors, anatomy, composition, everything :la: :la: :la: :heart: ) I'd still want to see your new art and comment on it and hear about what fandoms you're interested in and what's been going on in your life! I'm pretty sure a lot of other people on DA feel the same way, too! Please don't feel pressured about whether your art is good enough or not to post TAT!!! It's all for fun anyways on DA, right? :iconbrohugplz:  

And OMGYES TOWER OF GOD *3*!! I really enjoyed the first season (haven't read the second yet). What a gorgeous fanart for this...I adore the lighting and his intense eyes *_* :heart: :heart:
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:iconharumeau:
harumeau Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014  Professional General Artist
This is wonderful. The color palette is bright and has a lot of good variety. I like the action and movement in his pose too. :) Please don't give up. I've been watching you for awhile...I can't remember when I started...and I've always loved what you post.  I've had the same feeling you describe for a few months as well, so I know what you're going through. Keep doing art and don't be afraid, because there's nothing to be afraid of. It's a good thing to fight bad voices. :hug: 
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:icondreamer-t:
Dreamer-T Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
Looks pretty good to me :) Keep on arting :thumbsup::aww:
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:iconcutsceneaddict:
Cutsceneaddict Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014
Please don't stop drawing! I love your art. I know that you're going through an artist's rut right now, but know that you have tons of people who love and support what you do. I'm one of those people.

I first found you through your Fire Emblem art several years ago. I loved it so much, I saved it all to my computer. One of my home computers has had one of your Fire Emblem pieces as its background for several years now (I change it to a different one every-so-often). I find your work so inspirational and unique and look forward to every new one.

I don't know anything about Tower of God, but I really like what you did with this picture. I find the colors and lighting very mesmerizing and pleasant to look at :)
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:icondrakohn:
Drakohn Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Keiiii, it is with complete honesty that I say I adore your work, and have been incredibly inspired by it. It's been shaping how I experiment with light in my own work ever since I first discovered yours. Your work speaks to me on a level that most other people's art doesn't.

You're right not to listen to the voice. Just do art for the sake of art, and post it so you can feel better knowing you saw something through to the end. The more you give up and don't make that final step, the harder it gets. So what if every piece isn't "better" than the one before it?  You've still created something. Maybe you don't see the improvement now - maybe it looks like a plateau - but that doesn't mean you're not learning from it.

Hang in there and keep on drawing!
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014   General Artist
Thank you. I wish I could articulate my appreciation for your support, but I can't, so this will have to do. D: :heart:
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:iconteh-silver-wolfeh:
teh-silver-wolfeh Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Student General Artist
I know how you feel. I've been having the same voice in my own head lately, not just with art, but also with my writing. I just want to let you know, though, that in all the years I've been watching you, your art has never failed to inspire me. The way you use color and light so vividly is something I want to learn for myself.

Keep on fighting, keiiii.
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:iconper-the-muse:
per-the-muse Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
i'm adding this to my faves- not because it's super-perfect!, but because i appreciate that you post it despite knowing that it has flaws, which takes a courage that i value even more than the art. :)

i'm not sure why you disappeared! D: why did you disappear? we should chat sometime! where are you in the world?
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014   General Artist
I thought YOU had disappeared... XD

For some months, I took a break because of health problems. I'd totally be up for chatting~
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:iconper-the-muse:
per-the-muse Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
you're not wrong, haha. xP i've pretty much fallen off the face of deviantart. my excuse is work. loads of work.


D: i really hope that your health is doing better. goodness, months? that sounds awful. i'm sorry.

what do you use for chatting? geez, awkward moment: i don't think that i have any of your contact info anymore. augh. i'll gaia-pm you, haha. :D
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014   General Artist
I haven't been on Gaia in forever... XD Feel free to note me on dA!

My health is definitely better. No idea what it was that kept me sick for so long. It just went away on its own.
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:iconper-the-muse:
per-the-muse Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
hah. well, i found notes and figured out how to use them. ;)

DA is def not my native social media platform.
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:iconburntumber:
burntumber Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014   Digital Artist
That voice...I know it well.  When I say I love your art I mean it.  If I don't like someone's art I still usually point out the positive things and suggest improvements if they ask but I don't lie to them.  Your lighting skills, dynamic posing, and the way you draw your characters...I love them.  Luckily for me you don't get to decide what I think of your art.
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:iconveeri:
Veeri Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
Keep going! What you need is to fall into a habit of creating and putting stuff out there. The more often you do, the smaller the voice will get.
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:icontravallian:
Travallian Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I miss you, Keiiii. I hope you can fight through this mood.
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:iconulfhade:
Ulfhade Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
I don't normally post (I'm a bit shy and feel I don't have much important to say), but um.. I just really wanted to say that your works have always been amazing to me. I'm not as good an artist as many people, but seeing your stuff makes me smile and feel a bit better, even if I can't do that since I can experience it through your works.


uh, sorry if it sounds cheesy....

thank you
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:iconperfessionaldrawer:
PerfessionalDrawer Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Professional Digital Artist
You need to improve your drawing skills. Look at my page for some really good art
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:iconsharppointythings:
SharpPointyThings Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Student General Artist
It sounds like depression. I went through the exact same thing, and when they changed my medication I got better. You are doing the best thing to help. Just tell that little voice to shut up and go away. This is really cool, especially the leopard.
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:iconartxet:
Artxet Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
Hey, Keiiii! It's good to see art from you and to hear from you again! It's not intimidation that you're feeling. I think it's something all creative people go through when they feel disconnected from their craft and their inspiration. Take part of your own advice; grab the heavy feeling along with the voice in your head and throw it behind the door, and just take back your inspiration knowing that you do make good art and that you are good enough to keep that going for a long time. Then just lock that door while throwing away the key and give it a swift kick.
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014   General Artist
I have a feeling that's a bit different from my case, as I'm pretty active (just the results aren't ready for showing yet). I'm churning out quite a bit of stuff and am enjoying the process. But there's the fact that you can't please everyone, and I don't know why that bothers me so deeply now all of a sudden. I have a few suspicions (going through a hard time IRL and stress can spill over), but don't really *know* anything for sure...
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:icondogmaticloki:
DogmaticLoki Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Student Filmographer
Everyone gets the voice at some stage. 
No one will drag you out of that rift but yourself. 

Anyway, description aside, this is beautiful. I love his eyes! 
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2014   General Artist
Thanks! His eyes happen to be my favorite part of the picture as well.
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:iconlilforgottenangel:
LilForgottenAngel Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
I believe it's called depression. Depression isn't the easiest thing to deal with but you're at the point at realizing where you don't want to be that way anymore and want to get better. It will take a while but if you strive for it the voices will disappear or become positive. 
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:iconlyricanna:
Lyricanna Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Not listening to that voice can be really fricken hard but it gets easier if you have someone close that you can talk to about its effects on you, and maybe guess when you're struggling with it and help to talk/logic you through.  Anxiety really is nasty :hug:

The coloured light is really nicely done =D
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:iconwhiteraven90:
WhiteRaven90 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Professional General Artist
I got an avoidance and anxiety disorder but i'm slowly making them go away and it's going well for me, so if you think your problem is similar to it, and if you'd like some advice on how to beat it, just ask. I suck at explaining myself but i'd do my best.
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014   General Artist
I haven't gotten myself diagnosed by an expert, so I wouldn't know. Though they kind of sound pretty similar...!
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:iconwhiteraven90:
WhiteRaven90 Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2014  Professional General Artist
You diagnosed you have a problem :P That's enough. If you feel uncomfortable about something, a lot or just a little, you are free to do something to make it go away. In fact it's better to solve it as soon as you notice it, since it may get worse if you don't and then it will be harder. No need to involve experts, if you mean psychologists, you can just use their knowledge (i'm not treated by any professional either, i chose to help myself). Your participation is the most important thing. Posting art despite your fear is pretty close to my idea of a great solution, but you could expand your repertoire of countermeasures if you felt like it, no harm in that. <,<
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014   General Artist
I don't know about that... Sometimes things are SO bad that you can't do anything about it. It's the same thing with other diseases. Exercise keeps you healthy, but when you're extremely ill, forget exercising; you can't even take a few steps out of your bed before you collapse. 

I'm not at that level right now, but I have been there, and there was nothing I could do except just hanging in there. 
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:iconwhiteraven90:
WhiteRaven90 Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2014  Professional General Artist
There is always something you can do! :v Just hanging in there requires effort, so if you can accomplish that, with more effort you can improve. If the problem is neither terminal nor permanent, you can do something to make it go away. You can choose to let hopelessness eat you or you can choose to make the best of every situation. 

I was at my lowest regarding mental health around February. I was afraid to get out of bed, posting art out of the question, making money to live seemed too hard so i didn't, the idea of socialization gave panic attacks, cutting myself seemed a nice idea. Now getting out of bed is not so hard, i post art with little to no fear, finished all commissions and am opening them again, here i am writing to you and go to the gym with a friend and i don't even shake, and now i don't even bite my fingers and all traces that i ever did it disappeared a month ago. All done by myself, alone. If you think you have no more power left, you have more power than you think you have. You can choose to say you had enough of being banged in the rear by life and stand up. ;P 

It's good if you are not at that level. Then i'm just trying to prove a point. u.u
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014   General Artist
Just because you were able to do it on your own doesn't mean everyone else can, though. Some people function significantly better with medication (or even a specific type of medication), for instance. I don't think *I* require help of that nature, at least not right now, but I don't want to perpetuate the idea that depression is something that one can always overcome with simple actions and a change in attitude. Sometimes it is... but not always. 
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:iconwhiteraven90:
WhiteRaven90 Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014  Professional General Artist
Well if you don't try, you won't know, will you? People with depression and anxiety problems love to grossly underestimate their own willpower and give up before they even try. I myself don't want to perpetuate the idea that depression usually cannot be overcome with "simple" actions and a change in attitude (nothing simple about it, doctors and medications are simple). Lazy and under-confident people are easy to convince that no, you cannot solve this by yourself, you need doctors and medication. Then they expect the doctors and meds to cure them, because they've been led to believe that a doctor can cure a mental problem if they just sit back and do nothing while the doctor tries. It doesn't work that way. They can help but if you don't do your part (and your part is the bigger part of the story), they will only solve superficial issues, temporarily. Medication may make you feel happier/calmer/etc, but medications won't connect the dots for you. They won't interrupt unwanted automatic thought patterns for you, they won't even bring them to your conscious attention. You have to do that. There isn't anything simple about that.

Note that i've been talking about psychologist cases only. I did not research psychiatric cases because those actually require doctors and medication. Unlike psychological ones. But then again, even doctors love to overreact and send you to a psychiatrist. People need to be more aware of how new the study of mental health is. You can't expect professionalism from a rookie.
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:iconkeiiii:
keiiii Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014   General Artist
And even a change in attitude is not always so simple...

Every case is different, and while I believe in doing your best, that can lead to "you're not trying hard enough" kind of thinking when you see someone drowning in their emotional abyss. That could be the case... but maybe not. You're right, people must not be quick to jump to conclusions, but it applies both ways. I wouldn't generalize "people with depression and anxiety problems" like that. 

It's not always so clear whether something is hormonal or emotional. If you're chemically imbalanced, that could make you more vulnerable to negative emotional stimuli, and the result might very well be both chemical and emotional. 
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(1 Reply)
:iconlweeb:
Lweeb Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Student Digital Artist
okay so I saw this on the undiscovered page and was like "wow that's cool neat art", and then read your little arty problem there. I'm going through the same thing so I can totally relate and I'm thinking of something flowery to say or whatever, then I look at your profile page and saw OH WAIT IT'S THAT PERSON WHO DID THOSE REALLY COOL ARTS I LOVE.

so let me tell you, LET ME TELL YOU. NO. FRIEND. NO. Everyone has those slumps but don't you dare curl up and stop arting cuz DAMN I LOVE SO MUCH OF YOUR STUFF AAAAAHH.

So yes, I understand the slums and depreciation every artist feels now and again. But as I tell myself constantly, we're still learning. even if we still have a long way to go, we're still learning and the most important thing is to keep going even when we feel down.

SO I'M WATCHIN YOU NOW. DON'T YOU LET YOURSELF CURL UP. DO THE THING. Huh?! 

<btw I really like how there's different levels of detail in the shading on this depending foreshortening and the cool lighting and all. Very well done :)>
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:iconpurplekiwee-137:
PurpleKiwee-137 Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Student General Artist
Aw, Keiiii, we love you. <3
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:iconfluoroid:
fluoroid Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
Hey! You're back! It's always nice to see submissions from you.
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:iconfrozenheaven:
FrozenHeaven Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i like it! keep it up :D
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:icontharalin:
Tharalin Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2014
I always loved your drawings because you always do such an amazing job on the lightning and the colors! Though I don't comment  that much.
So please keep up the good work.
Also you're not alone with that voice, I guess every artist has it (I haven't posted anything recently either because I get the feeling my stuff just gets worse, haha~).
Maybe watching this video about Art Blocks from Sycra www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb0g_g… might help you, certanly did a few times for me :).
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