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She wrote me:

This is the time of all things read;
the time of books, clean hands, straw dogs,
shared looks. This is the time
that finds the time to settle down;
to open that smile with enormous plans;
to pound on metal rolled with rust;
to lie when lovers lie, alone, quiet,
in kitsch and style.



She wrote me:

Death for some is a careless cat,
one that lacks a voice—and love—
and never plays chess.
But that is not my choice.
You see, I prefer the quieter sort;
the kind of death that stalks one
through shapeless blur, a caress of trust
and a lack of breath—now three, now two—
a sweet bluff and a face that looks
of you, only that's not enough.

I remember the films during which you cry,
and the way you hide it, fiddling
with your change to make your eyes avoid
the two mice riddling some pocket full of holes.

I remember the nights you tried to pray.
You clasped your hands and dreamt up God
and what he may or may not do. And I,
following November, came with you.

I remember the calls you made, long,
arboreal affairs of historical silence,
but I thought it wrong to say I knew
that metaphorical was never your intent.
History never dies.

The rains are worshiped here.
They bear a name that all chant
in line, and with a script scrawled
by sticks and minds, each has its own piece
and place to finally say what should be said—
to be erased.
Morning came early today,
and with it—dread;
and with it—rain.



She wrote me:

Soon is where the rockets stop.
Heavily inspired by the works of Chris Marker, specifically the structure and themes of his 1982 film Sans Soleil.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2008-10-06
Passenger by ~kaujot spoke to me the moment I read it. Reading it again, I was reminded that indeed 'History never dies.' ( Featured by LadyLincoln )
:iconmanadrake:
manadrake Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2008
Once, when I was still performing, we did this whole presentation with letters that we had found from various places...old postcards...war letters...things of that nature. I wish to God I would have had this back then...this would have been so beautiful.

...no...it IS fucking beautiful. I would have just been able to have been a part of it, if even in a miniscule way.

I think that's the best way to judge how good a piece is really...by how much it makes you wish you were a part of its creation, or somehow involved with it.

I'm jealous in the most respectful way. And at the same time...glad, that somewhere in this grand scheme of dissonance there are those who have the ability to create something so strikingly beautiful...and care enough to share it with those left in the dark.

I'm reminded by the "Advanced Critique Encouraged" above this box about how sadly useless a comment like this is...but I'll be damned if I could think of any way to improve on it...so I'll just fawn and prattle...hope you don't mind.
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2008
Thanks you.

I haven't written in ages (uh, really since I last wrote this), but I'm feeling a bit inspired now.
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:iconmanadrake:
manadrake Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2008
good...can't wait
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:iconminoru-kokubunji:
Minoru-Kokubunji Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
If only I could understand such a complex masterpiece >w<
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:iconyukibuul:
yukibuul Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008   Writer
This is really good... I don't see too many major grammer mistakes. Keep up the good work.
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:iconselfish-eden:
Selfish-Eden Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
I could be way off base here, but I'm getting a sense of upward momentum. My favorite stanza is this:
I remember the calls you made, long,
arboreal affairs of historical silence,
but I thought it wrong to say I knew
that metaphorical was never your intent.
History never dies.

I've had conversations that infuriated me because I had no idea how to express my feelings, and you just did. It's amazing. :nod:
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:iconwriters-souls:
Writers-Souls Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Defiantly an interesting piece. It's not one that I really get, mainly because I know nothing of what inspired it. However as a critic I can fully appreciate the effort that went into this, and if your willing to let me go through it again and point out a few lines I might be able to give some sort of insight into what I see in this piece if it's worth your while.
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2008
By all means, do.
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:iconsakurasorceress:
SakuraSorceress Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
Great.
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:iconthy-demon:
Thy-Demon Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008  Student Writer
Wow, this is really good, I mean this is really really good. This is the kind of poem that makes you think, and wonder, and question. I adore it, it's simply brilliant. I can never seem to write like this, with a kind of abstract, detached feel, except on one occassion (I'd be very honored if you took a look, actually), but I very much appreciate that ability in others.

Anyway, I just thought I'd tell you I really love it.

And if you would like to read my own poem, it's here [link]
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:iconhokuto:
hokuto Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
Incredibly lovely. :heart:
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:iconpickled-herring:
Pickled-Herring Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
Awesome!!! I couldn't write better than that, well, then again, I don't really have a talent for writing but I try. Really great stuff here
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:iconmlleartemis:
mlleartemis Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008  Professional Writer
Finally, a piece that doesn't feel overconstructed! The way you've got it divided feels so natural as I read ... really great structure, seriously. I saw that the question of the poem's being "overwrought" had come up--for what it's worth, I don't sense any supercilious emotion (and that's probably my biggest complaint with contemporary poetry).

Bravo--:+fav:'d!
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2008
Thank you very much. A poem's construction is something that I really obsess over, in order to avoid the pitfalls that you described. It's the reason I write so little, actually.
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:iconmlleartemis:
mlleartemis Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2008  Professional Writer
Construction/layout is such a huge part of the poem ... and that brings up the eternal issue of "making it new" ...

In any case, you pulled it off with this poem. :)
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:iconstcknwritersblock:
StckNwritersBLOCK Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
This is the most amazing piece of literature..i have ever read...wow. Breath taking, beautiful. The part that hit me the most was when you say,

"I prefer the quieter sort;
the kind of death that stalks one
through shapeless blur, a caress of trust
and a lack of breath—now three, now two—
a sweet bluff and a face that looks
of you, only that's not enough."


amazing...

:)
Reply
:iconbessab:
BessaB Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
gorgeous peom, i love the way it's structured with the 'she wrote me', this poem inspires me greatly
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:iconq365:
q365 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
I love nothing more than to find a DD that has the Advanced Critique Encouraged badge on it. Just sayin'.




This is the time of all things read
I like the passage after this, but this line seems slightly off to me. Something about it just doesn't make sense as I read it through. I'm not sure specifically what it is, but give me a little bit and I'll get back to you.

This is the time
that finds the time to settle down

This part I like a lot more. However:

to open that smile with enormous plans;
to pound on metal rolled with rust;
to lie when lovers lie, alone, quiet,
in kitsch and style.

This is overdone. The images you're giving are a lot less fascinating than that original concept, and I think that hurts the original line to some degree. It's a shame, because I like the original line quite a bit.

I think the problem is that the images don't work well together. I don't get an image in my head. I get a jumbled set of half-images. And that muddies up the first bit.

to lie when lovers lie
The looping that you do verbally is nice, but this was overdone.

She wrote me:
I didn't say it up above, but this is a very nice framing device. It's visually interesting and it's effective with the content.

Death for some is a careless cat,
one that lacks a voice—and love—


This middle part was my least favorite. I think it could be really dazzling with a bit of editing, but as it stands now things are too indistinct. While the cat metaphor seems to pop up a bit later, right here the voice/love doesn't fit with the initial statement.

and never plays chess.
I think this line could work if the rest of the stuff is tightened up. Right now it stands out too much, sorely. Good film, though.

But that is not my choice.
You see, I prefer the quieter sort;

This is my least favorite bit. It's too empty. You could remove these two lines and lose nothing from where your poem is going.

the kind of death
This phrasing is rather imprecise.

that stalks one
through shapeless blur,

I don't know. Some of the wording here is icky.

a caress of trust
This is also sort of icky.

—now three, now two—
Now three, now two what? Breaths? It doesn't work.

a sweet bluff
This is a nice turn of phrase.

and a face that looks
of you

I think this only works without "only that's not enough". This seems nice, but it's only nice while it's concise.

I remember the films during which you cry,
I like the sentiment here, but this is another fairly prosaic line.

and the way you hide it, fiddling
with your change to make your eyes avoid
the two mice riddling some pocket full of holes.

This is another metaphor that didn't connect with me.

I remember the nights you tried to pray.
A much better opening line.

You clasped your hands and dreamt up God
Another bit where I like this part and not the part immediately following it.

and what he may or may not do.
However: I think this might work if you change the wording up a bit.

And I,
following November, came with you.

I don't dislike this, but it's not as strong as the best parts of your poem.

I remember the calls you made,
I think that needs to end in a colon.

long,
arboreal affairs of historical silence,
but I thought it wrong to say I knew
that metaphorical was never your intent.
History never dies.

This part is a bit yechy.

The rains are worshiped here.
They bear a name that all chant
in line, and with a script scrawled
by sticks and minds, each has its own piece
and place to finally say what should be said—
to be erased.

See, I feel you're treading the same ground again and again. Stuff like this and the stuff before it could all be mixed into something that's a lot leaner and tenser. It would make this a more effective middle passage. As it stands now, this stuff is fairly weak: it's something that reads better skimmed, which isn't a good thing.

Morning came early today,
and with it—dread;
and with it—rain.

This looks nice on paper. I don't know if I like it better like this, or as "and with it - dread and rain.". I think that if you do revise other parts of this poem, this part might seem more awkward than it is now.

Soon is where the rockets stop.
Very nice ending. Absolutely the best part of the poem.

I like where this poem is going, but I think that revision would help it take form immensely. Good luck for this and for future writing.
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2008
Very much appreciated.
Reply
:iconq365:
q365 Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2008
Yep. Good luck with your writing.
Reply
:iconmarendins:
marendins Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
This text mades me want to read it over and over again. I suppose that's because it's kind of "attracting", it makes you go down and down, from word to word, catching your entire attention as you go deeper. However, my poor English is keeping me from understanding it completely. I think this is one of those writings I will re-read over again as time goes by and I learn a bit more, so I can also understand a bit more of what it is telling me.
Thank you so much for sharing it ^^
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:icongoodbye-kitty975:
Goodbye-kitty975 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008   Photographer
this is one of those poems that absolutely needs to be read out loud. beautiful.
Reply
:iconskysongma:
SkysongMA Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008  Student Writer
Bleh, that's beautiful. I wish I could critique it, but I think I'm too drunk on the imagery.
Reply
:icondeathcab--x:
deathcab--x Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
wow this is great! I couldn't think of anything critical to be honest.
Reply
:iconyvonnelachav:
yvonnelachav Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2008
I remember the nights you tried to pray.
You clasped your hands and dreamt up God
and what he may or may not do. And I,
following November, came with you.

thats my favourite stanza
i mean its all good, but this one made me stop and think the most
i dont even know what it makes me think
makes me think of many things all at once
it just reads so beautifuly
Reply
:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2008  Student Writer
that's wonderful - a parade and a blur of all that is of the time
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:icontheobviouschild:
TheObviousChild Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2007
Oh dammit, you already mentioned the Seventh Seal. And I wanted to look smart. Now everyone's going to think I just read your comment.

Hmph. :tears:
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:icontheobviouschild:
TheObviousChild Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2007
Would the chess line be a reference to The Seventh Seal?
*hopes for a cookie*

The three stanzas beginning "I remember" are excellent, particularly the first.
Hell, it's all excellent.

A favourite. I'm only sorry I didn't read it before.
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:iconparadoxicalshaman:
paradoxicalshaman Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2007   Writer
... definitely above par. lol well actually far above par
some of the lines really stand out - i'm a sucker for provocative, short lines that stick with you after you've read them. even "to pound on metal rolled with rust" and "two mice riddling some pocket full of holes", very direct and immediate images.

as for the sentimentality aspect, i definitely see it as a love poem, but sort of skewed, like remembering something through a rainstorm, where the essence of your feelings don't quite fit in the scope of writing, but at the same time specific things are lucid, ie. praying to god, and crying at films.

i think anything that deals with love has to incorporate some type of sentimentality, but for me personally, this poem goes beyond being sentimental for sentimental's sake and delves into the rich mindscape of a character's sadness.


... ps, i don't get the chess allusion, but for some reason the cat seemed to have something to do with it.
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2007
Thanks.

The chess allusion is to Ingmar Bergman's great film, The Seventh Seal, where in the opening scene, a knight from the Crusades plays chess with Death.
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:iconparadoxicalshaman:
paradoxicalshaman Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2007   Writer
ohh!!!
geez, good call dude...
he just passed away too... is this an elegy? lol
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2007
It was written before he died.
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:iconnonculture:
nonculture Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
This is one of your best. I like the little touches throughout that are personal, close, and specific. Overall, I probably missed a few things - but I'm dense as such. Again, quite a very nice piece. I did like it a lot.
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
I don't know if I've ever mentioned it to you, but your opinion means a great deal to me.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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:icondevilicious:
devilicious Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2007  Professional Photographer
what is beautiful about this

is that i really thought

"she"

wrote this

and you are poetic. i so admire that Mark. truly. not all writers are poetic - you know this right? be proud :nod:

:+favlove:
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2007
You always make my day a little brighter.

:heart:
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:icondevilicious:
devilicious Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2007  Professional Photographer
back at ya baby :heart:
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2007
Written anything for me yet? :)
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:icondevilicious:
devilicious Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2007  Professional Photographer
i have been writing but most of it is so depressing and angry or insanely private :|
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2007
If it starts to feel less private, shoot it to me in an email.
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:iconapocathary:
apocathary Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2007  Hobbyist Writer
I got nothin' but a fav.
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:iconheartless7:
heartless7 Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2007
I know you want advanced critique, so this is going to bother the hell out of you, and for that I apologize.

But I really love this poem and I can't think of any one reason why. It's so... strong. Sorry.

--Less
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:iconpinocchio-liez:
Pinocchio-Liez Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2007
This is a beautifully written piece. Sans the sentimentality, it may damn near be perfection. I think the most intriguing thing about the piece is that it raises so many questions about origins and where the heart of any relationship lies.

I know that I'm more or less a hack poet; however, I know what I like. Regardless of the fact that I may or may not know why a certain poem piques my interest, this piece has done just that.
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2007
I'm curious to know if you think sentimentality always lowers a poem, or just in the case of this.

Regardless of your answer, thank you very much for your kind words.
Reply
:iconpinocchio-liez:
Pinocchio-Liez Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2007
Sentimentality doesn't always ruin a poem. But, in my opinion--and believe me, I'm more than guilty of doing this, moreso in the past than the present--if something is overwraught with sentimentality without a core steeped in some sort of un-cloudy (I hope that makes sense) reality, the poem runs the risk of getting the "So What?" response from the reader. Like, "So you love this chick. So she's the most 'blar blar' and 'blah blah' that you've ever seen. What does that do for me? What's really at risk in this poem? Why should I feel anything for the speaker and his / her lover?" You know what I mean?

It's not so much that this poem is "overwraught" with it, per se. But because the focus is the sentimental aspect of relationships and all that rot, the "touchy feely"-ness may seem just a bit sappy.

I hope this answer isn't presumptuous or rude. I'm sorry if it is. I really loved the poem. I'm just a bit too cynical, I suppose, to read full throttle "love poetry"--in quotes only because that's a crude title for what the genre itself is.
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2007
It's not presumptuous or rude at all. I was just wondering how you felt about it, and you explained yourself wonderfully.

But your last sentences makes me wonder: do you view this as a full throttle "love poem?"
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:icontheobviouschild:
TheObviousChild Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2007
(I don't see much sentimentality here, for my 2c...)
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2007
To me, at least, it's very much a moving-on, if that makes sense. Perhaps travelogue is a better description.
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:iconpinocchio-liez:
Pinocchio-Liez Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2007
Reading again, not so much. But...I don't know. I feel a great deal that this is a love poem in the contrary sense of love lost, unrequited, that sort of thing.

Or, maybe the better explination is that I'm a shitty judge of poetry and really have no idea what I'm talking about...HaHa!
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:iconkaujot:
kaujot Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2007
You're not a shitty judge at all. You know what you like, and for you, that's what you judge by.

You're correct, too. In many ways, it is a love poem. It's somewhat sentimental, I think, but at the same time not so much. I mean, where are her letters coming from? Why does she even have to write him? Maybe she died years ago. Maybe they're separated.

But it's not just about love. It's about a whole multitude of things.

I highly, highly recommend that you watch the film that inspired this. It's newly available on DVD in the States.
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