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literature

Passenger

Daily Deviation
kaujot's avatar
By kaujot   |   Watch
166 61 6K (1 Today)
Published: July 8, 2007
She wrote me:

This is the time of all things read;
the time of books, clean hands, straw dogs,
shared looks. This is the time
that finds the time to settle down;
to open that smile with enormous plans;
to pound on metal rolled with rust;
to lie when lovers lie, alone, quiet,
in kitsch and style.



She wrote me:

Death for some is a careless cat,
one that lacks a voice—and love—
and never plays chess.
But that is not my choice.
You see, I prefer the quieter sort;
the kind of death that stalks one
through shapeless blur, a caress of trust
and a lack of breath—now three, now two—
a sweet bluff and a face that looks
of you, only that's not enough.

I remember the films during which you cry,
and the way you hide it, fiddling
with your change to make your eyes avoid
the two mice riddling some pocket full of holes.

I remember the nights you tried to pray.
You clasped your hands and dreamt up God
and what he may or may not do. And I,
following November, came with you.

I remember the calls you made, long,
arboreal affairs of historical silence,
but I thought it wrong to say I knew
that metaphorical was never your intent.
History never dies.

The rains are worshiped here.
They bear a name that all chant
in line, and with a script scrawled
by sticks and minds, each has its own piece
and place to finally say what should be said—
to be erased.
Morning came early today,
and with it—dread;
and with it—rain.



She wrote me:

Soon is where the rockets stop.
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Comments60
anonymous's avatar
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manadrake's avatar
Once, when I was still performing, we did this whole presentation with letters that we had found from various places...old postcards...war letters...things of that nature. I wish to God I would have had this back then...this would have been so beautiful.

...no...it IS fucking beautiful. I would have just been able to have been a part of it, if even in a miniscule way.

I think that's the best way to judge how good a piece is really...by how much it makes you wish you were a part of its creation, or somehow involved with it.

I'm jealous in the most respectful way. And at the same time...glad, that somewhere in this grand scheme of dissonance there are those who have the ability to create something so strikingly beautiful...and care enough to share it with those left in the dark.

I'm reminded by the "Advanced Critique Encouraged" above this box about how sadly useless a comment like this is...but I'll be damned if I could think of any way to improve on it...so I'll just fawn and prattle...hope you don't mind.
kaujot's avatar
Thanks you.

I haven't written in ages (uh, really since I last wrote this), but I'm feeling a bit inspired now.
Minoru-Kokubunji's avatar
If only I could understand such a complex masterpiece >w<
yukibuul's avatar
yukibuul Writer
This is really good... I don't see too many major grammer mistakes. Keep up the good work.
Selfish-Eden's avatar
I could be way off base here, but I'm getting a sense of upward momentum. My favorite stanza is this:
I remember the calls you made, long,
arboreal affairs of historical silence,
but I thought it wrong to say I knew
that metaphorical was never your intent.
History never dies.

I've had conversations that infuriated me because I had no idea how to express my feelings, and you just did. It's amazing. :nod:
Writers-Souls's avatar
Writers-SoulsHobbyist Writer
Defiantly an interesting piece. It's not one that I really get, mainly because I know nothing of what inspired it. However as a critic I can fully appreciate the effort that went into this, and if your willing to let me go through it again and point out a few lines I might be able to give some sort of insight into what I see in this piece if it's worth your while.
kaujot's avatar
By all means, do.
Thy-Demon's avatar
Thy-DemonStudent Writer
Wow, this is really good, I mean this is really really good. This is the kind of poem that makes you think, and wonder, and question. I adore it, it's simply brilliant. I can never seem to write like this, with a kind of abstract, detached feel, except on one occassion (I'd be very honored if you took a look, actually), but I very much appreciate that ability in others.

Anyway, I just thought I'd tell you I really love it.

And if you would like to read my own poem, it's here [link]
hokuto's avatar
Incredibly lovely. :heart:
Pickled-Herring's avatar
Pickled-HerringHobbyist Writer
Awesome!!! I couldn't write better than that, well, then again, I don't really have a talent for writing but I try. Really great stuff here
mlleartemis's avatar
mlleartemisProfessional Writer
Finally, a piece that doesn't feel overconstructed! The way you've got it divided feels so natural as I read ... really great structure, seriously. I saw that the question of the poem's being "overwrought" had come up--for what it's worth, I don't sense any supercilious emotion (and that's probably my biggest complaint with contemporary poetry).

Bravo--:+fav:'d!
kaujot's avatar
Thank you very much. A poem's construction is something that I really obsess over, in order to avoid the pitfalls that you described. It's the reason I write so little, actually.
mlleartemis's avatar
mlleartemisProfessional Writer
Construction/layout is such a huge part of the poem ... and that brings up the eternal issue of "making it new" ...

In any case, you pulled it off with this poem. :)
StckNwritersBLOCK's avatar
This is the most amazing piece of literature..i have ever read...wow. Breath taking, beautiful. The part that hit me the most was when you say,

"I prefer the quieter sort;
the kind of death that stalks one
through shapeless blur, a caress of trust
and a lack of breath—now three, now two—
a sweet bluff and a face that looks
of you, only that's not enough."


amazing...

:)
BessaB's avatar
gorgeous peom, i love the way it's structured with the 'she wrote me', this poem inspires me greatly
q365's avatar
I love nothing more than to find a DD that has the Advanced Critique Encouraged badge on it. Just sayin'.




This is the time of all things read
I like the passage after this, but this line seems slightly off to me. Something about it just doesn't make sense as I read it through. I'm not sure specifically what it is, but give me a little bit and I'll get back to you.

This is the time
that finds the time to settle down

This part I like a lot more. However:

to open that smile with enormous plans;
to pound on metal rolled with rust;
to lie when lovers lie, alone, quiet,
in kitsch and style.

This is overdone. The images you're giving are a lot less fascinating than that original concept, and I think that hurts the original line to some degree. It's a shame, because I like the original line quite a bit.

I think the problem is that the images don't work well together. I don't get an image in my head. I get a jumbled set of half-images. And that muddies up the first bit.

to lie when lovers lie
The looping that you do verbally is nice, but this was overdone.

She wrote me:
I didn't say it up above, but this is a very nice framing device. It's visually interesting and it's effective with the content.

Death for some is a careless cat,
one that lacks a voice—and love—


This middle part was my least favorite. I think it could be really dazzling with a bit of editing, but as it stands now things are too indistinct. While the cat metaphor seems to pop up a bit later, right here the voice/love doesn't fit with the initial statement.

and never plays chess.
I think this line could work if the rest of the stuff is tightened up. Right now it stands out too much, sorely. Good film, though.

But that is not my choice.
You see, I prefer the quieter sort;

This is my least favorite bit. It's too empty. You could remove these two lines and lose nothing from where your poem is going.

the kind of death
This phrasing is rather imprecise.

that stalks one
through shapeless blur,

I don't know. Some of the wording here is icky.

a caress of trust
This is also sort of icky.

—now three, now two—
Now three, now two what? Breaths? It doesn't work.

a sweet bluff
This is a nice turn of phrase.

and a face that looks
of you

I think this only works without "only that's not enough". This seems nice, but it's only nice while it's concise.

I remember the films during which you cry,
I like the sentiment here, but this is another fairly prosaic line.

and the way you hide it, fiddling
with your change to make your eyes avoid
the two mice riddling some pocket full of holes.

This is another metaphor that didn't connect with me.

I remember the nights you tried to pray.
A much better opening line.

You clasped your hands and dreamt up God
Another bit where I like this part and not the part immediately following it.

and what he may or may not do.
However: I think this might work if you change the wording up a bit.

And I,
following November, came with you.

I don't dislike this, but it's not as strong as the best parts of your poem.

I remember the calls you made,
I think that needs to end in a colon.

long,
arboreal affairs of historical silence,
but I thought it wrong to say I knew
that metaphorical was never your intent.
History never dies.

This part is a bit yechy.

The rains are worshiped here.
They bear a name that all chant
in line, and with a script scrawled
by sticks and minds, each has its own piece
and place to finally say what should be said—
to be erased.

See, I feel you're treading the same ground again and again. Stuff like this and the stuff before it could all be mixed into something that's a lot leaner and tenser. It would make this a more effective middle passage. As it stands now, this stuff is fairly weak: it's something that reads better skimmed, which isn't a good thing.

Morning came early today,
and with it—dread;
and with it—rain.

This looks nice on paper. I don't know if I like it better like this, or as "and with it - dread and rain.". I think that if you do revise other parts of this poem, this part might seem more awkward than it is now.

Soon is where the rockets stop.
Very nice ending. Absolutely the best part of the poem.

I like where this poem is going, but I think that revision would help it take form immensely. Good luck for this and for future writing.
kaujot's avatar
Very much appreciated.
q365's avatar
Yep. Good luck with your writing.
marendins's avatar
This text mades me want to read it over and over again. I suppose that's because it's kind of "attracting", it makes you go down and down, from word to word, catching your entire attention as you go deeper. However, my poor English is keeping me from understanding it completely. I think this is one of those writings I will re-read over again as time goes by and I learn a bit more, so I can also understand a bit more of what it is telling me.
Thank you so much for sharing it ^^
Goodbye-kitty975's avatar
Goodbye-kitty975 Photographer
this is one of those poems that absolutely needs to be read out loud. beautiful.
SkysongMA's avatar
SkysongMAStudent Writer
Bleh, that's beautiful. I wish I could critique it, but I think I'm too drunk on the imagery.
deathcab--x's avatar
wow this is great! I couldn't think of anything critical to be honest.
anonymous's avatar
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