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About Varied / Hobbyist Kathryn PattisonFemale/United Kingdom Recent Activity
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Leaving Your Ego At The Door by KathrynPattison Leaving Your Ego At The Door :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 17 9
Literature
Please Stop Crying (WKM Dark + WMLW Wilford)
Please stop crying. Both of you. I can't take it.
Enough of your relentless sobbing. Your fountain of crystal clear tears. How they flow endlessly from your colourful eyes. His now bleed for he has cried the longest. The incessant dripping drives me mad yet he will not stop. His woeful howling keeps me awake. I lay there staring at the ceiling as their former friend had once done, with only moonlight and their memories to fill my stolen body.
I call to him. Imploring him to cease yet he does not listen. Deafened by his own misery he does not recall reason nor anything else beyond the black that surrounds them. Agony. That is what makes him now. Oh how that promise he made to the silent other pains him still. Truly he believed it. Things would be okay. I can only stand within that darkness and watch him at my feet barely able to think under the strain of such noise.
Vast and near tyrannical in its power over me, his tormented writhing used to delight me but has now become ghastly. I am
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Joji In The Dark by KathrynPattison Joji In The Dark :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 0 2 Fashion Icon PewDiePie by KathrynPattison Fashion Icon PewDiePie :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 6 0
Mature content
The Unwilling Monster (TOS Sequel) [Dark] Pt.15.99 :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 4 4
Mature content
The Unwilling Monster (TOS Sequel) [Dark] Pt.15.66 :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 4 3
Literature
The Unwilling Monster (TOS Sequel) [Dark] Pt.15.33
Humanity
The entity barely breathed. What breaths could escape his form were tiny and shaking. Fear of that shadow standing over him had extinguished another dying ember leaving those few that remained so very weak. Panic commanded he get away but he was rendered catatonic by exhaustion and starvation. Dark could only stare ahead, his eyes wide in terror of what the figure would do. He began to tremble. A new horror filled his mind as the ultimate hell suddenly became frightfully likely to happen. Its garish black maw was open wide and he was staring down into it on the edge of an uneven reality. He wasn’t ready to fall. He would never be ready for that fall.
Dark listened intently as his thoughts frantically searched for something to do. Fight, beg or stall for time. He didn’t know. An ache consumed his chest as a now familiar feeling of helplessness latched onto his being and mocked him. Dark closed his eyes as he felt them well. A silent plea was cast ou
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Might As Well Jump! by KathrynPattison Might As Well Jump! :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 7 0 PewDiePie - The Swedish Swordsman by KathrynPattison PewDiePie - The Swedish Swordsman :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 6 4
Literature
New Perspectives [Markiplier's Egos](G/T) Part 3.5
At that moment the front door opened and Dark heard two people come inside. He craned his head up to see Oliver and Gregor nearly go by the archway. He called out,
"Oliver! Gregor!"
The yellow shirted bot was the first to step into the living room with a friendly smile on his face. He spoke cheerfully as though nothing was amiss,
"Hello Dark! How are you feeling?"
The entity opened his mouth to reply but he paused as Gregor joined Oliver at his side with the usual android moody expression. He shook his head to banish the feelings that came with the look and forced a happy tone,
"Y-yeah I'm doing alright. Where have you two been?"
"Ah we were just walking your jogging route to see if any anomalies could be spotted" Oliver replied.
Dark nodded and shifted in place before inquiring anxiously,
"I see. Did you find anything?"
Oliver's smile faltered a little. He looked to Gregor and they silently stared at each other for a moment. Dark knew they were talking about him. The androids each had
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:iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 5 15
Literature
New Perspectives [Markiplier's Egos] (G/T) Part 3
Dark stumbled a little on his way towards the good doctor's room but he felt the effects of the whiskey settle within his form which meant they could eventually begin to filter from his system. Though he tried not to think on his mistake and shook his head to try and banish the sickening feeling tumbling around his mind but only succeeded in making himself feel worse. The entity knew he could ask for something to ease the pain but figured he would have to reveal his disappointing action. It was bad enough that Wilford had found out again.
He was distracted from these thoughts as he stood before the door and sighed briefly. Dark then gave a short knock and waited. A familiar voice called out to wait a moment. Soon enough the door was opened by the doctor whose smile fell as he looked at Dark. The entity knew Wilford's words from that morning certainly applied to him right now as he felt like hell as well as looking like it. Luckily the doc didn't joke and instead spoke compassionately,
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:iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 6 6
Literature
The Lady In Dark Blue
"Thank you all so very kindly for watching. Subscribe if you want to see more and I hope to see you in the next video. See you later!"
And with a smile and a wave, another video is done. I leaned over my laptop and stopped my camera then the game recording. That game was tremendous, I could hardly stop talking! Though that does mean my throat is pretty dry so I head to the kitchen and grab a glass of water before editing. Today I'll try and include a few more little edits like amusing sound effects or zooms. Hopefully that'll boost the comedy over my commentary. Which is certainly something to say the least!
Still, that's done and I can move onto the more exciting part of YouTube. The comments. I'm very lucky or perhaps not big enough to receive any hate from strangers so it's the usual couple of nice complements from familiar faces and usernames. Though this time there's only one and it's on one of my update vlogs. This particular one was just me explaining my changing schedule since
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On Behalf Of The Animals by KathrynPattison On Behalf Of The Animals :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 7 7 DeviantArt's 18th by KathrynPattison DeviantArt's 18th :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 5 2 Couple Of Doodles by KathrynPattison Couple Of Doodles :iconkathrynpattison:KathrynPattison 4 7
Literature
Player Unknown's Battlegrounds Ft. YouTubers Pt. 8
Part 8- The Final Two
Felix walked solemnly for a long while. He felt the smoke from his miscarried plan cling to his face even after he had tried to wipe it away. Intermittent coughs tumbled from him as an already ravaged throat tried to take in that toxic air. But Felix cast his vision upwards and used his shotgun to shield his eyes from the blaring sunlight. He squinted and watched the clouds sail by carelessly for a few moments and sighed through his nose.
The Swede winced as this tranquil moment was shattered by fresh memories of screaming death and that vile smell that followed him like a ghost. He closed his eyes and tried to push away the awful thoughts. Felix caught himself wishing he could forget it all but he shook his head a little and reiterated to himself that it wouldn’t be possible.
To distract himself, Felix lowered his vision from the clouds and looked to the hill he would climb. According to the map it ran alongside a flat valley
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It has been over a week now. I've not risen above the lowest line of happiness once during that time. I have always been either a little low or properly sad. Sometimes over nothing, other times I just wake up like that and the days events aid in lowering my mood further.

This all began after a really good day. I had gotten two great videos recorded and edited and I was feeling really positive about uni, work and things in general. But then I just read something on this site and it just snapped. The good mood died. I don't know how or why. What I read wouldn't upset even the most emotional person yet I still feel like this.

Though initially I wasn't worried as this has happened before but I trusted myself to feel better eventually as per my own words in a happier journal entry, 

'Just ignore past me as she's a miserable sod'

But the problem with that statement as I knew then and definitely know now, 'current' me at the time of that post or at least when I am actually happy, forgets. She forgets what it's like to be here in this position. Whilst I'm happy I forget what this kind of sadness is like. I think I'm so silly when there is plenty of things to bring me back up like books, manga, films, YouTube, my writing e.c.t.

The funny thing is I don't even believe I have real depression. Even right now in some regard. Despite me feeling incredibly low at some points during this week I couldn't even match how I was back in 2016 which was when I was actually taking pills and seeking a form of therapy for it. The feelings I went through then and the month of May, known forever to be my worst month of my life, cast such a shadow that these days couldn't even dream of casting.

Though I suppose that's good. Not having depression is a real asset. Yet I still feel this way. Don't get me wrong I know that this will sound suspiciously like the disease but I still get out of bed. I still find the time to write and make videos. I still do those things. My mother told me depression is feeling so bad you don't want to get out of bed in the morning at all. "Believe me" she said, and I did and still do. She is a nurse after all.

I don't believe I have it. Sometimes I exhibit the qualities on occasions. I stayed in bed nearly all day in December but I still did some Christmas shopping and watched one of Mark's livestreams. I didn't do nothing. I still did something. Even now I'm bothering to fully punctuate this sob piece. You'll know things are truly bad when I start not capitalising any I's or words after full stops. 

Yet now here I am. It's 11.29 as I type this and I don't want to sleep even though I have a 9 a.m start tomorrow. Though I still don't want to do anything else. Before writing this I was watching an old Doctor Who episode that I really enjoyed. But then halfway through my mind wandered to all that had happened and I started to put it into words that I could write and thus were are here.

Last weekend I was extremely nervous over filming a project with my group. I was late to join as the previous groups I was going to help in didn't get their projects picked. The kickstarter was fully funded even beyond our target and the producer is excellent at organising. We made the trailer a few weeks ago and it went well but when the editor looked over the footage she said the audio was really quiet. It wasn't the end of the world as it can just be turned up in the edit but it had already sparked my initial fears even more.

You see in this film course of mine, people don't like to be the sound guy. Your job is just as important as all the others but if you fuck it up then the film is usually un-salvageable. It's a lot harder to fix crackling audio than a badly lit shot. You can easily edit away a flubbed line than magic out dialogue from where none exists. So that's why I was nervous before hand. It's not like first year where we were all having fun making movies. There's expensive and sophisticated equipment involved now. Learn the ropes or be left behind and screw up your whole teams project and lower everyone else's grade. 

I had somewhat used the equipment before so I wasn't fully panicking on that front but it was still fuzzy in some places. It was different to the one I had used on the trailer as it was the producer's own. But the editor told me about the quiet audio and I felt terrible as I had assumed I was doing a good job as it sounded fine to me. Then the first day of shooting came around and I already wasn't feeling great. I was behind on videos and the ones I had recorded weren't my best.

I've been less inclined to bother recording or editing what I've made more and more. Even today I've left two whole videos completely unedited which will only leave more work for me tomorrow with maybe four videos to edit which will only put me further behind schedule as I know I won't have time to render them all in one day as that takes hours. Still it can't be helped. I understand more now where Felix comes from when he doesn't play games unless he knows he'll like them. I don't ever hate a game but some just don't illicit a fun response worthy of a video.

But anyway. That's all my own dumb fault as I'm the only one who expects a minimum three days pre-prepared videos just for occasions such as this. Still, it's slowing down all the more these days. I don't gain but I don't lose all that much either. The comments are still lovely but infrequent. I have so much compared to before. A lot of people would be overjoyed with nearly 300 subs. Not to say that I am not. But when only 10% bother to watch your videos and the ones you spend a long time editing get so little in the first place, it can be hard to completely care. Most of them are deleted accounts now and some that haven't been are suspiciously similar to one another. I honestly don't know anymore. I can't hate it but I'm not sure I love it all that much either. 

Isn't that the delightful thing about depression? It's not just feeling sad as most people think. It's that and trying to cheer yourself up but KNOWING that it won't work and will make you feel even worse because of it. Therefor you avoid doing anything that will make you happy just in case it poisons the activity for you. I've gotten close to losing interest in watching films at home because of trying to use them to make me feel better. So I go to the cinema instead where I know my attention will assuredly be distracted.

On the first angry day that would precursor this solemn week I went to see Coco. I loved it. It was truly a masterful piece of animation. Though I spotted the twist a little too early. I haven't done that in a while. I remember doing it a lot while watching Doctor Who for the first time. It was just easy to see where it was going and I didn't mind it too much back then as I felt really good for being able to spot it. Like I was smart. But now it's just a nuisance. It's like studying films has heightened this ability too much. Though I was warned that this would happen so I shouldn't be surprised.

Though that's another point. On that first day of shooting we had a class in the morning. The tutor went over the basic ideas of framing and camera movement and sound. Unfortunately, whilst the tutor discussed how to get good sound, the editor kept side-glancing me as though to say 'see? It isn't that hard!' But I managed to ignore it as I didn't believe that it was right of me to assume that was what she was doing. Though we moved onto directing next. The tutor split the class in two and had everybody have a go at acting, camera and directing. I was happy to watch the boys at first but then the tutor wanted us females to get involved. So I stood up proudly and got to it. I told the actor what I wanted him to do as was what I thought was the point. But the tutor interrupted and said I should focus on the camera work rather than the acting.

In my theatrical haste I suppose I had neglected that for a minute but I just wanted a set plan to move the camera around later. But in the end I got some useful tips though a terrible feeling lingered.

Doubt.

I forgot about it for a small time as we had to watch some clips from Moonlight and Moonrise Kingdom, the latter being a favourite of mine. But then we had to move onto the part of the day I dreaded. We had to meet up with the tutor and some filmmaking guests she had brought in but we did have to leave early for the train which was already stressing me out a little. One was a sound recorder and designer and the other was a cinematographer. I had proper business with the former. But my dour mood and nerves over the project had already made me feel so bloody terrible. As the guy was talking I could feel the editor's eyes flash towards me whenever he gave a basic tip about recording sound which I already knew from previous experience. I wanted to burst out crying on a couple of occasions as I just felt that fucking bad just over everything in general. But I held myself together as I knew that day wasn't remotely done yet.

After that we went to talk to the camera man who gave our camera person some great advice. I sort of just nodded occasionally as my thoughts became too big to push away. Then we grabbed our equipment for the shoot. We went to Glasgow and filmed along the river. Being the sensible duckling I was I decided to wear my nice long coat that had no sleeves. I didn't realise how cold it would get until we were out there.

Before then we were on the train for 50 minutes. The director and the camera man talked to each other for most of it while I just stared out of the window trying to make myself feel better but it was proving impossible. A part of me was just so desperate to go home and record a video or just lie in bed. Just anything else other than go filming. I was beginning to think I wasn't right to make movies. What if I was better a theatre and I just didn't know it? I was more focused on the acting earlier in the day...maybe it's a sign. Or was it just my misunderstanding of the exercise? I haven't really written anything since first year that has progressed anywhere. Other people have their own businesses and have won awards. They have their films in festivals and are making connections. But I haven't done any of that. No, I waste my time on these fucking stories and stupid YouTube videos which barely get above 10 views!

Even if I did make it. Even IF I did, what would I truly be? I cannot write real scripts or stories. I steal the ideas of others and craft my own lunacy around them. People complement me all the time. I don't bloody deserve it. I did not create Dark nor Wilford or Anti. None of them. I make myself feel better by pretending to write real stories. I have a real character that I could call my own. I see her everyday but I still don't commit myself to getting anything down about her. Nope! It's all Dark or nothing apparently!!

Oh I've started crying. That'll make the screen hard to see. Strange how the fanfiction topic is the one that did it..

I will just be one of those divisive filmmakers. Style over substance and nothing more. Those directors that need a die hard audience to keep their career alive and be defended in the numerous comment sections of those who rightfully call out their lazy filmmaking. Statistically only two of us out of 30 or so will properly make it. Who knows if making it means indie darling for a few years then anonymity or the next Spielberg. Seems a little late to change to theatre doesn't it?

But yet I don't know if that would work either. I like theatre but I like films slightly more. Are both of these just fairy-tale adorations only meant to be hobbies and nothing more? I keep thinking I'm not worthy of this course. But even then it's so shoddily managed that even at this point more people are desperate to leave but they can't due to a lack of having a job in the industry. I still await my results from early December. We all do.

But the camera man noticed I was being quiet and asked of my welfare. I said I was okay. Not a complete lie but still. After getting dinner and meeting up with the actresses we walked to the location. It started to rain. Nothing major league thankfully but still a little more than spitting. But that wasn't the worst thing. It was cold. Not just a bit nippy but ice cold. Due to my idiotic dress sense my arms and fingers quickly were frozen and I began to shiver badly. As the sound person that's not too great but the horrendous wind blasting my eardrums drowned out most of the sound I had recorded anyway. I had worn leggings under my jeans and the coat kept my torso warm. I assumed that those were all I needed to keep warm as my regular coat would weight my arms down which would do no good when holding a boom pole.

The most sound fucking logic you've ever heard right?  

So after the two hours I was feeling so sick that I couldn't breathe. I usually feel sick in that way when I'm in a stuffy place and the air isn't all that fresh but I was outside. I don't think I've felt that cold in a very long time. The wind and the cold rain made for a deadly combination as the camera man remarked the other day that I looked like death at the time. Back then I didn't really believe him but thinking back on it I do now. But we did good and headed home after the wind got too bad to continue. It died down a few times and allowed some half decent recordings at least. I immediately began to feel better after we started walking which should serve me well next time I'm in the cold as I should keep moving rather than facing my back to the wind and curling up. On the train home I could barely keep my fingers still to choose a song to listen to. Luckily the good ol' Game Theorist's and Felix could amuse me for a bit of the journey back. I won't be complaining about my cold flat anytime soon let me tell you that.

I was glad to find out that all the recordings came through which meant I had used the equipment properly. The next day we came in at 9 to start the hospital scenes which went amazingly well despite the production designer being an hour late which meant we were slow to start. We got all the shots done and managed to finish early. Though we did get partially shouted at for filming in a supposed 'working corridor' even though there were barely that many people going by and we had permission. 

Still the day went well and I was happy. The producer did ask me if I was feeling bad over what the editor had done. I didn't lie but I certainly didn't want to cause any drama as that would be too much at such a crucial time in the production such as this. But all the complex relations in my class are getting to be just like secondary school where you would go in thinking some people were cool with each other then the next day one hates the other for X reason. It's exhausting. Still I try to be fine with it as I don't like people in my class for just as varied reasons as everyone else. Though they don't change nearly as often as the others do. 

But that's all in their classes. I'm kind of split from them as they are doing a team writing for TV class whereas I'm working in a studio class downstairs akin to what they do on SNL. I'm enjoying that class so there's that.

Uni isn't actually all that bad now. It's not great at home though. I still think about my sister too much sometimes. I know she's getting better but I just hate that she's even in hospital at all. She was doing so well and it all just suddenly changed again. My older sister has surmised that she just might be like this and there's no way to really fix the situation. I hope that's not true as I fear even more of our good past memories will be tainted and I will become estranged from her. It's a stupid fear I know, but it's a real one I've had for a number of years now. Maybe even since the first day she showed me those marks.

My diet isn't improving. I don't eat at regular times. This week I've had a form of take out food four times. Two pizzas, chips with mayo and mcdonalds. It's disgusting. I haven't gone for a run in at least a month after I said I would start doing it again. I just excuse my self with not having enough time constantly even though I didn't used to. There were times where I would go on runs everyday no matter what. Even at 2.40 a.m I remember one night. I have such plain food so often. Just pasta with cheese or rice and some lettuce. Or the somewhat not plain food like french toast has become plain when which it was not. I promised myself I would but things like meat and be bothered to make real meals not make pasta at 10 p.m as I did tonight. But I just fear wasting food. At least on this 'diet' I don't waste food all that much which means less wasted money.

I don't even worry about money that much. It really doesn't bother me if I have a lot or a little. As long as I have enough to keep renting this flat, going to the cinema and buying food, I'm content. I just worry about getting stuck. I don't want to stay at Dominos for any longer than I have to. I wanted a job at the cinema but I didn't get it as others with more relevant experience applied which I can certainly understand. If I end up in a tiny ceilinged flat with the same job in five years I'll know for sure just what misery is. I can't stand flats or houses with low ceilings. They're like rabbit hutches I remarked when I looked at flats for the first time before I found the place I'm living now. I guess it's only because I've lived in high ceilinged places my entire life.

I've noticed how noisy this place is as well. The neighbour snores. The walls are too thick for wifi but not for noise it seems. His laugh sometimes sounds maniacal and jumpscares me out of nowhere. People come in and out all the time to see the landlord and sometimes the one who helps him out the most leaves at 1 a.m. and keeps me awake. Sometimes I get so irritated by any tiny noise that I wish I was back at home in the middle of nowhere where there was barely a sound at night and the world is peaceful. It's actually gotten to the point where my childhood home doesn't feel like home anymore and it saddens me immensely. I love that old house so much. I miss walking the dogs at night and staring up at the cloudless sky and seeing all the stars imaginable. 

It's actually been two years since our dog Inka passed away. I saw her last last February when I visited with my then flatmates. I was at uni so I didn't see her decline but I was told she wasn't doing well and I could see it in her when I saw her. She was an old dog. Still I talked to her the night before I left and I still miss her even now. Sometimes I think she'll come bounding up to see me whenever I go home. Just for a split second. I remember the words I said at her grave between the crab-apple and plum tree. God I miss having a pet nearby. We've got two cats at home and even though I'm not the biggest fan of cats I still miss the feeling of Kenko sleeping at the end of my bed and her coming over to bother me into patting her. 

Though speaking of those two former flatmates. I forgot one of their birthdays. It passed by a week and a bit ago and I had no idea until yesterday. Before now per the agreement of separate lives I limited my well wishes to that of a simple Facebook message and nothing more. I doubt he even noticed that I didn't say anything but he'll be 20 now I suppose. He seems in good spirits when I saw him the other day. 

I talked of the whole incident again on Friday. I didn't feel good or bad about it. A friend explained it to another friend as apparently there was still one person in the entire collective who still had no idea about what happened. One of them called the recent birthday boy self important. I could somewhat agree that that after seeing how he walks with such a confident swagger. Though I still can't fully hate either of them. They tried their best and my constant barrage simply exhausted them. That was all. 

I did talk to the friend who explained everything about life in secondary school. She opened up to me about some pretty intense bullying and I just realised how different I had become in ten years. Before I wouldn't speak for days on end. I am now not only confident enough to speak to people but likeable enough for others to comfortably confide in. How times change eh? 

I admitted I wrote fanfiction about Darkiplier to her. I use the word admitted to its fullest meaning as I felt to strange revealing such an online thing into the real world. I had a somewhat similar feeling with revealing I made let's plays but not to this extent. She's a fan of Mark as well and knew of his more budget based forays so it's not like I had to explain anything. But still it was so gross I would say. I felt like an obsessive even though what I write isn't really all that bad. You might say I'm trying too hard comparatively which I can agree with. But I don't know. I still didn't go into too much detail for fear of just looking weird. I even mumbled 'Darkiplier' when she asked what character I wrote about as I felt that weird about it. 

What was the point of this again? Ah yes, I suppose I'm becoming suspicious of my really happy times in the future now as it has a habit of crumbling away in due time. Perhaps we can at least hope this won't drag on for much longer so I can promptly forget this kind of lowliness for a while.   

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KathrynPattison
Kathryn Pattison
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United Kingdom
Hi I'm Kathryn!

I can barely draw so I pretend I can write! :D

I've also started a gaming channel like everybody else. But you can find it here if you're interested~

www.youtube.com/c/MissBluePlay…
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:iconcobaltsunrise:
CobaltSunrise Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2018  Student
Oh wow, thanks for the fav on my Inktober Danny; I appreciate it! :D
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:iconkathrynpattison:
KathrynPattison Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey you're welcome! It's an amazing little piece <3
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:iconcobaltsunrise:
CobaltSunrise Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2018  Student
Aw, thanks a bunch! Blush
Glad you like it!
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:iconblenqui:
blenqui Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the fav! =) (Smile)Hug 
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:iconprominaj:
Prominaj Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the fave! =)
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:iconkathrynpattison:
KathrynPattison Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
No problemo! That moment was one of the best in Grump history haha :D
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:iconnightninja456:
nightninja456 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2018  Student Writer
Thanks for ze fave! ^^ :dance: ^^
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Fragile-yet-CunNINg Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you :aww:
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:iconahzirra:
Ahzirra Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2018  Student Digital Artist
Thanks a lot for the fav ! :D
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:iconkathrynpattison:
KathrynPattison Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
You're most welcome! ^-^
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