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literature

Walking With a Ghost

KatDiestel's avatar
By KatDiestel   |   Watch
5 13 152 (1 Today)
Published: April 18, 2015
tracing back the steps of my youth
cycling along what was the old tram route
and now is a park
into the city I grew up in
the coffee shop we used to hang out in
to pass the time till school was officially over
the tree we met at and climbed
the stream we lay down next to
the street corner we were busted on by cops
so long ago
and though I arrive in the present at some point
- visiting an exhibition,
spending too much time in the museum's shop,
buying postcards, looking at books -
I feel I'm walking with a ghost today

there is so much to remind me here
and although I have never really liked this town
I get all melancholic
and take a little detour
to once again see the deserted swimming pool in winter
and to my absolute surprise
there is an open door! !
but apart from that
everything is just like it used to be
way back when we weren't ghosts
but alive & kicking
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Don't cry, I'm still alive My body just died, I'm still alive My spirit has moved on, to the skies My body died, but I'm still alive Tell dad, he was the best he could be Tell mom, that I loved her more than I could see Tell my siblings, that I will miss their laughs Don't cry, I'm still alive I just needed, one more cut But that was more, than enough I cut to deep in my wrist, now my body is drained Please, Don't cry, I'm still alive What I did, I left them behind Now I'm with god, and his angels alike But when I look down, I regret I see all the pain, I have spread Don't cry, I'm still alive Don't cry, my funeral is just a
© 2015 - 2019 KatDiestel
poem written some time ago
prepositions
munich
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Fifteen years ago, I was put on earth. I started life looking at the light in everything, But that didn't last very long. Because the truth is There is no light. How can there be light if Every time I say something, I’m always cut down. So I just stay quiet. Because I can’t deal with the pain of not being accepted. Every time my mother’s eyes meet mine All I see is the disappointment and failure she sees Within me. So I just stare at the floor. Because I just can’t deal with the pain I've caused my mother to suffer with. Most people only have their conscience to deal with after they have made a decision, But I hav
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Don't Cry, I'm Still Alive
Don't cry, I'm still alive My body just died, I'm still alive My spirit has moved on, to the skies My body died, but I'm still alive Tell dad, he was the best he could be Tell mom, that I loved her more than I could see Tell my siblings, that I will miss their laughs Don't cry, I'm still alive I just needed, one more cut But that was more, than enough I cut to deep in my wrist, now my body is drained Please, Don't cry, I'm still alive What I did, I left them behind Now I'm with god, and his angels alike But when I look down, I regret I see all the pain, I have spread Don't cry, I'm still alive Don't cry, my funeral is just a
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Comments (8)
undefinedreference's avatar
The toll to pay for happy childhood days I suppose. Fortunately for me, they passed me by..
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KatDiestel's avatar
Well, I had all I needed but I wasn't happy. My family is an assemblage of diverse mental conditions.
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undefinedreference's avatar
But back then you apparently had your "escape", and escapes are always cool and fun and exciting. And now, providing that what you wrote is autobiographical, you feel like a ghost, or at least you felt like that at the time you wrote it. Then what is it you're missing - something to escape from?:) I'm personally very happy to live RIGHT NOW and not BACK THEN. The only fun I can remember from those days was getting totally WASTED, which I got quite skilled at at an early age. What does make a difference I think is that at some point I decided to leave my old environment, and did so. And I have to say that having to re-visit it, which I tend to successfully avoid in recent years, has an utterly depressing effect on me which lasts for days. Where I live right now there are no memories. And nothing beats an "amnesic" environment!:D
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KatDiestel's avatar
amnesic environment - i like that! as a title i mean. i'm not sure there is such thing, actually. your brain follows you everywhere.
i don't know if i was/am missing something. my writings are just feelings flowing to the outside, making room for new ones.
the walking with a ghost refers more to the feeling of memories becoming present in a very concrete way. of course this has to do with environment but can also happen in completely unrelated places.
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maxlake2's avatar
maxlake2|Hobbyist Photographer
It all feels so familiar. . .  Going back to places where you used to spend so much time many years ago, and, irrationally expecting to see familiar faces. . .

Guess what, Kat?  One of my upcoming little photo projects is to photograph the house in Baltimore where I grew up.  I can't decide whether to just stand in front of the house and shoot it, or to knock on the door and tell the people who live there what I'm doing, and why.  What do you think?  What would you do? :D

How long ago did you write this poem?  I really like it! :nod:
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KatDiestel's avatar
I wrote it two or three years ago. It's a consequence of growing old(er), I think, the wish to relive some aspects of your past. I also visited the house I grew up in during the first half of my childhood. It was one of a row of apartment blocks with a little playground in the area between them. In my memory there was a huge sculpture of two bears playing. When I stood before it I was amazed at how small it actually is :)

I think I would decide on knocking on the door after having seen what they made of the house and garden. It is probably a disappointment and you won't find anything you can relate to. But maybe you'll see someone and can start a conversation.
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maxlake2's avatar
maxlake2|Hobbyist Photographer
Well, I find your experience very interesting.  Yes, especially with a neighborhood from childhood, everything looks smaller as an adult.  I remember a hill where I had to build up my courage to ride my bike down it, because it was the biggest hill I had seen (at age 7) looks so tiny now. :)
My old neighborhood isn't as nice ass it was when I was a child, so I think I will photograph the house without knocking on hte door.  But if someone comes out of the house, then I'll tell them who I am and why I'm there. ;)
:hug:
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KatDiestel's avatar
yes, maybe they will invite you in for a drink or something :)
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