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Like a complete prick I forgot to take my meds this morning. Was 4 hours of sould destroying agony later when it was realized. I'll be brutally honest with you who read this crap, I've had enough.I don't have a life anymore I exist. Futile isn't it?
I've been dead already (flatlined) its on my medical records so know theres no "light or tunnel" theres just carrion. Religious bullshit designed to make the crap lives of the slave / serf workers of the dark ages seem to mean something, total bullshit. Go on flatline - you'll see what I mean or rather you won't.

Enough is enough I think. My condition is incurable, the only thing the docs can do is throw painkillers at it, my tolerance to opiates is so very high now a single one of my morphine doses would OD any ten hardened drug addicts. Not a good position. This entry is not about self pity, the word "pity" does not occur in my vocabulary bank. Its simply advanced warning that one of these days I'll care even less for my existance than I do today and may decide to end it.
  • Watching: Alan do max exercises
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:iconwdwparksgal:
WDWParksGal Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011
Putting religion aside, I perceive people just move on. They go from a physical life to the next dimensional life before returning to the physical life again. All types of living for all types of lessons. To me it is just a Karmic issue.
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:iconrenerade:
Renerade Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Dave. Although I have never met you in person I have come to know you, through our many conversations on googletalk, as the most brilliant, selfless, and dependable person out there. Your work and dedication has inspired people by the droves, myself included. You have always placed the needs of others before your own, despite your pain all these years. It's never acceptable to lose a son and father. But you are strong. You moved on and continue striding forward, even though you have cheated death himself. No one has more control over their own life than you. You take life as it is, no bullshit to cloud your judgment, your morals, and your deeds. Danny was extremely fortunate to have had a father like you, your father was without a doubt immensely proud of you, and CJ couldn't ask for a better husband.

Whatever happens in the end, I am proud to say that I have never known a better man. I am honored to have someone like you as my friend.

Best of wishes,
Michael
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:iconkaranua:
karanua Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
It was just a bout of apathy my friend, its done with now about time I did another entry I suppose. Thank you for your support this last couple of years. That IS most appreciated :D
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:iconrenerade:
Renerade Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome, Dave.

If you need anything from me just let me know :)
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:iconerikalr:
erikalr Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I am not online much anymore but I miss talking to you and Carrie and the others. Big hugs and know you are with me in my thougths, all of you!
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:iconslowdog294:
slowdog294 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Professional Photographer
David, I understand completely how you feel about life, the universe and everything. However, know this. You bring massive amounts of joy to people. You do it with your art. And folks admire you. I concider you to be a Brother. I would miss you if you went over yonder, wherever that is...

Most people who have experienced even ten percent of your agony do not have the balls to continue. You are a tough fellow, indeed. Should you decide to cash your ticket, godspeed, my friend. Religious folks know nothing. Scientists know even less. But the Ancient Ones knew everything.

Thanks for sticking around for a while longer, aye.

:manhug:
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:iconthefirstfleet:
thefirstfleet Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
Whatever happens, my friend, I am with you in heart, even if a thousand miles separate us. I can only give you a quote from Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light!
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:iconabakon:
AbaKon Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Professional Writer
I have shared my sympathy with you before, for what it's worth (not much, I know). But I just want to let you know that I always love seeing a piece of your artwork appear in my "to view" list. Just to make sure I say it, "Thanks for sharing your talent and imagination with me - it has always been inspiring!"
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:iconkaranua:
karanua Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
as is yours to me. Its not everyday you meet an architect of the universe you used to (and still do to a point) game in. Between yourself and Arcas inspiration abounds with Drell-7 the icing on the cake.
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:iconabakon:
AbaKon Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Professional Writer
You are too kind. Those long ago days of Traveller and such were the best in my life. Well, maybe the births of my sons was right up there too.
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:iconcomptech224:
comptech224 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
There is nothing I can say. Forgive me if I am at a loss for words but I feel no matter what I say it will have no bearing on how you judge the situation. I can only hope that by some miracle you manage to endure or somehow this comes to pass. I cannot be of much help and it bothers me that I've not been on your watch longer to have noticed this, otherwise I may have something far more fitting to say.

Well, forgive me then. I wish there were something I could do. Godspeed.
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:iconkaranua:
karanua Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I had no intention of saying that I may nuts and kill myself I was just stating the facts as they lay now. I might have lost interest in my life but not of a young man thats currently in my care, I won't dissapear if nothing else but for his sake, hes lost his home and all his possessions this year already I won't deprive him of his only real friend in this country too. Go look him up, give him some attention. :iconalankelley:
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:iconnorthlandsplasher:
NorthlandSplasher Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
I'm sure I haven't had my condition(s) as long as you have but I am already in the same position. No cure, no change, just drugs.

I've watched your work, which is fantastic IMO, it makes anything I've put up look pretty lame. Seeing that we both are on long term narcotic pain control meds, drop me a note one of the meds I use has been much more effective compared to morphine, in terms of control and lack of side effects. I maybe sticking my nose in where you don't want it so feel free to tell me to go play in traffic or some other such term.
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:iconatomictiki:
AtomicTiki Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
Well, since you've been "dead" you've made some interesting pictures, something most alive people don't do.

Maybe you're not as active as you'd like (heck, who is?) but you do exist to random internet people like me and probably even more so to your family.
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:iconkaranua:
karanua Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
oh and I've flatlined five times, the longest being the last one at 110 sec.
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:iconatomictiki:
AtomicTiki Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
Yowza!

The only other person I know that's been legally dead for more than a minute is my old man. He was legally dead for a couple minutes or so, got hit pretty bad and woke up in a MASH unit...
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:iconkaranua:
karanua Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
braindeath for two minutes has been proved irreversible damage occurs, 110 sec lost me motor control in my left eye and loss of all nerves in my legs.
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:iconatomictiki:
AtomicTiki Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
Ouch!
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:iconkaranua:
karanua Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
My family, natural, extended and otherwise are well provisioned for. I signed off as titular head of our trusts prior to my unsuccessful pancreas removal operation three years ago. I have zero input to family finances as a result and am better off for it. The Trouble my friend is not boredom or not being able to get about its plain and simple apathy. I get the feeling I'm holding my wife back, she should be out dating younger, much nicer men, not crippled useless wrecks like myself.
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:iconatomictiki:
AtomicTiki Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
Not sure but I think my point sailed past, you don't "simply exist", you create and you share.

As well, I'm sure you mean more to your family than just your earning potential.

To me it sounds like you're having a bout of depression, I think we all feel useless from time to time (well, I know I do, especially with my vision).

At any rate, you're still this side of grass and you have no other commitments, so make your mark!
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:iconkaranua:
karanua Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your about 90% correct in your assumptions. I found myself this morning (OK yesterday morning now) coughing up blood and passing it also, not a good sign if you're into signs like that (IE Medical) I've asked my Lady Wife :iconseejay530: to close my account here should something untoward happen. Depression, yes we all suffer from it from time to time, lucky for me my wife is a top flight psychiatrist. I'm not suffering depression at the moment I'm having a pancreatic episode, I had only a two day reprieve this time. I'm being realistic. Take that how you will.
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:iconatomictiki:
AtomicTiki Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
Well, I'm not a doctor so I can't say so I'll take your word for it...

I hope you reconsider leaving your artwork up. I hate when accounts shut down and I want to look through stuff I like.

Now that's a great combo, a wife and a psychiatrist all in one.

Cheers,
R
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:iconkaranua:
karanua Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I've known my wife since we met in first year secondary school, she was a beautiful woman then she is a beautiful woman now. I've asked her not to close my account but to quit re subbing it. I've several thousand images done but not posted, she has my permission time to time to post those too.
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:iconatomictiki:
AtomicTiki Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2011
Thank you so much!

Also you're a lucky man to have someone like that.

Cheers,
R
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