I am writing this because (whether right or wrong), I feel very disconnected from the community at the moment. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly where I went wrong and what I have been doing wrong since I have been moving in so many different directions in my personal life. Not that I am looking for sympathy, but I figure it may help you guys understand me better.
So, I started school with a certain salary and my health insurance paid for. The budget is tight, but I can't complain because my classes are fully funded and I have research grants. It's one of the best situations a graduate student could be in, but it's still a challenge to pay everything off at the end of the month and live.
This spring, a few of you know that I had a very difficult situation involving one of the professors. It was bad enough that I considered quitting school all together. IN my small department, my anonymity was completely blown, and things are still tense. I've kept on because my immediate boss is fully supportive of me and my decision to drop that class, but since my classes are paid for, it looks bad. Basically because of this situation, they lost money.
That whole situation then caused an emotional cascade of depression and anxiety that reached over into my other job/research job. I was put in a really bad spot where I was unable to fill out timesheets because they wouldn't give me access to a computer on the network, and the computer I was using got repurposed. I didn't handle the situation well because I am very passive in real life and didn't want to bother anyone. Things are getting better now, but I basically got told that I fucked up big time. Considering this is one of my possible careers, I was completely heartbroken.
I've been trying really hard to redeem myself in the eyes of my department and other research job. Also, I am having to constantly justify myself in school so that I earn my healthcare. It's emotionally exhausting and I am not an emotional person. I never realized before how anxious it makes me to constantly be on my toes to justify my cost to someone. It's... always in the back of your mind.
So while I am not any more or less busy than I was before, I am... exhausted in different ways. Now, I am trying to buy a house because apartment rent in SA is pretty much a mortgage. I'd rather build equity. I've been going to see houses every night.
Annnddd here's the thing. I put an offer on a house that fell through because they didn't disclose foundation issues, so I lost a total of 475 dollars. I've been saving for YEARS for a house, and to see all this money. Basically a ton of work just... disappear. Man, it's really, really rough. I've put offers on other houses, but no one has accepted. It's really disappointing.
I've also given Helovia to Odd, Smitty and Blu (current admin team), because I realized when I went to go write there the other day that my spark was missing. I'm not sure how long it's been gone, but it's just... not there. I wish it was. I miss writing. I miss everyone. I miss my characters and exploring them, but I think because my emotions are already so tense, I cannot put myself out there anymore. It's why you've seen me backing away from personal equine OCs. I can't connect anymore.
HARPG has been one positive thing this entire year. The EB team is so kind and generous. They are amazing people to work with and that responsibility is good. I'm not yelled at. Very little drama, and it's just art. It's no pressure. The same goes with Drakehest! I'm able to draw characters and have a bunch of stuff decided for me (genos and such), and I dont' have to worry about some of the cliquishness of who is writing with whom and where. (SA is also so wonderfully inviting, but the freeform aspect of the world is a personal stressor in my current state when that freeform-ness is actually one of the best positives in a group EVER).
So, I ask that you be patient and understanding with me. I ask that you keep me in your thoughts. I'm going to do my best to fulfill my commissions timely (check out my trello: trello.com/b/88uUGBYB/to-do
I am also very open to taking suggestions on things I can do to get involved with everyone again. I miss you guys. I feel like I keep making wrong moves. Saying the wrong things. Doing the wrong things. I know I've messed up, but I want to prove to you that I am committed to improvement. Please note me. Add me on discord. (I am not on skype anymore because it makes my laptop run terribly at work). Ask me questions. Let me ask you questions.
You guys are my family.
Edit: Now I have another UTI (maybe too much info, but fuck it) in a long string of UTIs which probably means I am resistant to an antibiotic. Thanks doctors for over-prescribing.
Also goodbye money I had in savings to pay for the doctor to tell me what I already know and give me drugs for which I already know the dosage.