Kamesen: *sitting on the couch, whittling a stick with a butter knife* The jig is up, the news is out, they've finally found me..
Television: *turns on*
Trump: *on TV* OBAMACARE IS DEAD
Kamesen: *continues whittling, while mumbling the rest of the tune because he can't remember the lyrics*
Kamesen: Hmm-mm mm-hmm, waaanted maaan
Trump: PAY ATTENTION TO ME
Kamesen: *whistles poorly*
Trump: I'm... dying..
Jeremy Irons: *runs up* YOU SEE; HE ADMITS IT.
Kamesen: Alright SETTLE DOWN. *looks at the stick he was whittling. It is a mangled remnant of its former self* .. *throws it out the window* Alright what's.. what's going on. Inform me. Through the eyes of a dim-witted, braggadocios, sociopathic sycophant.
Trump: Those words are big.
Kamesen: I looked them up.
Kamesen: *stares at him*
Kamesen: *starts spelling his own name in belches*
Trump: Oh I remember. OBAMACARE IS DYING!
Kamesen: Just because you say it's so doesn't make it so.
Trump: Yeah it does!
Kamesen: *shakes head*
Trump: It doesn't?
Trump: Then.. all those times I said that everybody loves me..
Kamesen: You're lying to yourself.
Mario: *suddenly pops up from a couch cushion* What'd I miss.
Kamesen: Trumpy is trying to make everyone believe that the ACA is dead.
Trump: It is!
Kamesen: Is not!
Trump: *voice breaks* IS TOO
Mario: Ohh I'm outta' hurr *sinks back down into the couch*
Kamesen: Oh no ya don't *yanks him back up by the suspenders*
Kamesen: *slaps a beer in his hands*
Trump: Can I have one
Kamesen: Only if you admit that the ACA is at least moderately functional.
Trump: NEVER. It's BAD and WRONG and I'm gonna REPEAL it.
Kamesen: Nrrrgghh *grapples with his own face*
Princess Peach: *smashes through the ceiling and lands on the floor in a heap of debris and dust*
Kamesen: Holy crap!
Mario: *spits up beer* NO MY BEER
Kamesen: *jumps up* Peach what happened!?
Peach: *strained* My parasol broke mid-gentle float.
Mario: *throws a mushroom at her*
Peach: *1-up* Whew. Thanks. *stands up* I was gonna say something.
Trump: Hello you're very fit; so lovely.
Peach: *stares at him* I will rip out your- *censored dialogue for several seconds*
Trump: Your nasty.
Peach: Anyways.. the ACA does need adjustments. But in the meantime, millions are insured and thousands of lives are saved.
Kamesen: He's a little slow on the uptake.
Mario: Slower than you?
Peach: What I'm saying is, thousands of people rely on medicine and treatment provided by the ACA, because their ailments are caused by pre-existing conditions and-
Trump: *eyes glaze over*
Kamesen: You're losin'im.
Peach: THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE IF YOU REPEAL THE ACA.
Trump: ... *glances at wealthy republican donors*
Donors: *rub their fingers together $$$*
Trump: Uh.. well, you know, Mexicans.. this is their fault. And I have to repeal the ACA.. because North Korea.. and the defense budget..
Person: *runs in* Those 'dying people' are lazy and just want handouts; they should work hard like me and get a job.
Kamesen: Do you know what it feels like to be dying?
Kamesen: It.. SUCKS. *slowly brandishes knife, approaches person* Here I'll show ya.
Kamesen: G- uh.. *turns and pretends to cut a hard pretzel with clumsy sawing motions*
Kamesen: .. *the pretzel snaps, making him flinch*
Peach: *flops down onto the couch* He's right though. People who have the luxury of not suffering from a chronic illness or terminal condition just don't understand how important it is to be provided with life-saving support.
Mario: *looks at the taxpayers* You're HEROES!
Person: Why can't we just let the sick people die so that we don't have to take care of them.
Kamesen: GRKGJFJF- *whips around, looking for a new weapon, grabs butter knife*
Kamesen: *just stands there unblinking, holding the knife, breathing deeply with his mouth open, teeth bared*
Mario: Well that's creepy.
Rand Paul: *runs in* Let's just do MY plan!
Kamesen: *hisses violently*
Kurenai: *drops down from the ceiling and stabs Kamesen with an ambiguous hypodermic needle*
Kamesen: ............*collapses, breaking a table*
Rand Paul: Anyway. My plan.
Mario: What's your plan.
Rand Paul: Well first, we gotta repeal the ACA.
Person: I'M on board with THAT!
Mario: SHUT. UP.
Person: *frowns really hard*
Peach: So, millions will still lose their insurance.
Rand Paul: Not to worry! They can just sign up again under the NEW plan! Possibly!
Kamesen: *suddenly on his feet again*
Kamesen: ...*eyes her*
Kurenai: *keeps screaming, horrified*
Rand Paul: ...
Kurenai: *abruptly stops* Sorry. *scratches the corner of her mouth with her pinky, clears her throat*
Kamesen: *looks at Rand* What guarantee do we have that the soulless industrial U.S. health insurance companies aren't going to leap at the opportunity to screw people over by making the transition as needlessly complex as possible, like they did when the ACA was implemented.
Rand Paul: ...None whatsoever.
Kamesen: So why not just bring your ideas to the dems and work with them on improving the current plan?
Rand Paul: *glances at wealthy republican donors*
Donors: Would be a shame if your kid got run over by a yacht.
Rand Paul: *swallows nervously, adjusts collar*
Kamesen: Hey- *pushes past Rand and confronts the wealthy donors* Would any of you jerks know anything about all those dozens of Russian establishment critics who keep mysteriously dying of heart attacks and falling out of windows?
Donors: Scram, youse.
Kamesen: *bares teeth, eyes turn red, flips out switchblade*
Peach: KAMESEN FOR THE LOVE OF- *grabs him by the shirt and drags him away* You're gonna get yourself killed!
Kamesen: *barks defiantly*
Trump: We need to repeal ACA.
Kamesen: DIANA, POR FAVOR.
Wonder Woman: *backflips in, lassos Trump*
Kamesen: Now, Trumpy. WHY.
Trump: Because people who can't pay with money should pay with their lives!
Wonder Woman: Gross. And the wall?
Trump: Makes me feel like a big boy!
Wonder Woman: Double gross. *retrieves lasso*
Trump: You're lovely. In great shape.
Wonder Woman: Ok. You can stop.
Trump: If I wasn't married, you would totally go for me.
Wonder Woman: No, I wouldn't.
Trump: *laughs uncomfortably*
Wonder Woman: *stares at Kamesen* This is your leader?
Kamesen: *rubs his eyes, exasperated* ..Yes.
Wonder Woman: A poor choice.
Wonder Woman: Welp, peace. *crouches, then leaps away into the horizon*
Kamesen: Don't say it.
Peach: You should ask her out.
Kamesen: I REALLY don't think I'm her type, Peachy ol' gal.
Peach: Don't call me that.
Kamesen: Yeah alright.
Trump: I noticed that you aren't paying attention to me.
Peach: *walks over and kicks the TV in*
Peach: What. It's tiring always pulling Kamesen from the brink of violence; I need to let off some steam.
Kamesen: Fair enough.
Peach: Nobody asked you.
Samus: *rolls in, fixes TV*
Putin: *waltzes into the room*
Mario: The enemy!
Kamesen: *grabs sword* Ten seconds.
Samus: *aims arm cannon*
Peach: *looks around, grabs a radish and prepares to throw it*
Putin: Greetings, comrades.
Kamesen: I'm not your COMRADE, friend!
Putin: I'm not your FRIEND, guy!
Kamesen: I'm not-
Putin: You should all listen to your leader. He is a wise and good man. *chuckles*
Trump: *appears on the TV again, beaming with pride* I'm the best boy.
Kamesen: *lowers sword* Alright alright we all know about Trump's 30-year ongoing relationship with Russian real estate goons.
Mario: And his penchant for choosing cabinet members who have similar Kremlin-y interests. ..In their interests.
Samus: And the recent fact that he buckled like a paper cup in a trash compactor when confronting Putin about the election interference.
Trump: False. Fake news.
Kamesen: Roll the tape.
Samus: *slaps the VCR*
(Trump: Did you do it?)
(Trump: Good enough for me.)
(Putin: As a show of good faith, I will assign my best hackers- uh, cyber-security specialists, to..assist..your American technicians.)
(Trump: That's great. You're so great.)
(Putin: I know.)
Trump: *shrugs* I see no problem here.
Putin: There is no problem, indeed.
Kamesen: DOES NOBODY SENSE AN ISSUE WITH THIS!?
Person: Hah! Gonna cry, snowflake? Sweet sweet liberal tears.
Kamesen: *grabs person by the lapel and shakes him* YOU WILL NOT BE SPARED, YOU SADISTIC MISCREANT.
Person: I don't care if America goes to shit! As long as it makes stupid libtards upset, it's worth it!
Kamesen: I'M INDEPENDENT.
Person: You're a snowflake.
Kamesen: I'LL SNOWFLAKE YOU, YOU NEARSIGHTED, SLUG-BRAINED.. *looks around* WHERE IS SWORD. GIVE NOW. MUST KILL.
Mario: Peach, do something!
Peach: *filing her nails* Oh, uh. Don't stoop to their level; yadda yadda, rise above the hate and so on.
Samus: I think she's checked out.
Kamesen: *grasps sword, raises it high* RRRRGGGG
Person: So much for the tolerant left!
Kamesen: I'M. INDEPENDENT. UNAFFILIATED. LOOK AT MY VOTER REGISTRATION INFO; IT LITERALLY SAYS THAT.
Trump: Ooh, speaking of which, yeah I need everyone's voting records so I can uh.. make sure there's no fraud. And so I can share those records. I mean so they can be leaked. Accidentally.
Kamesen: *drops sword with a heavy clang, turns around slowly to stare wide-eyed at Trump* IT HURTS ME THAT YOU ARE A STUPID AND UGLY AGENT OF CHAOS INSTEAD OF A CUNNING AND CHARISMATIC AGENT OF CHAOS.
Trump: YOU'RE chaos!
Putin: Ooh, that reminds me. I gotta go make sure my uh.. helpful cyber liaisons are able to access your nuclear facilities. *runs away*
Kamesen: ... *plunks down onto the couch*
Person: Heh! Cry your.. independ..tard.. tears!
Kamesen: I do my crying on the inside, like anyone else who struggles with chronic depression and dissociative episodes.
Person: I can't get off to that.
Kamesen: Well then, I guess that makes me the winner.
Person: What!? No! I DEMAND that you cry! Be upset! FIGHT ME.
Mario: *hands Kamesen a Capris Sun* It has whiskey in it.
Kamesen: Thanks. *takes the delicious drink and sups upon it*
Person: ...FINE, I WIN.
Kamesen: *just keeps sipping on his drink* You've won a bleak future.
Person: NNNNOOOOOO *explodes*
Kamesen: *closes eyes as strawberry jam splatters the room*
Peach: *looks down at her dress* This is decidedly un-peachy.
Samus: *little window wipers pop down and clean her visor*
Trump: ...Nooo one's paying attention to me again.
Wealthy donors: Hey.
Donors: Strip the funding from sex ed and teen pregnancy prevention, and put it all toward abstinence-only programs.
Trump: Done and done.
Kamesen: *eye twitches*
Donors: Also, keep working on shutting down access to abortion.
Trump: I'm on it.
Kamesen: *runs out of drink* ... *sucking up nothing but bubbles*
Peach: I ain't cleaning this up.
Kamesen: *stands, flips empty drink pack into the garbage*
Kamesen: Toss me.
Samus: *picks him up and aims at the hole in the ceiling* Set?
Kamesen: *closes eyes* ...You may fire when ready, commander.
Samus: BLUE FORTY-TWO. BLUE FORTY-TWO. HUT HUT.. *winds up and hurls Kamesen into the stratosphere*
Wealthy lobbyists/donors: *sailing around on their yacht*
Donor 1: So, we nix sex ed, birth control, abortion access, and gay adoption, leaving the country to slowly crash and burn under the burden of an ever-growing army of unwanted children.
Donor 2: Excellent. *hits a button* DEVOS.
Betsy DeVos: *appears on screen* YES.
Donor 2: Make sure the kids who somehow make it to college have no feasible way to pay off their crippling debt!
DeVos: CAN DO
Donor 3: Perfect. The next housing bubble will explode soon. And when the Russians sell off all their American-owned properties, the banks will implode. Followed by the nation.
Donor 4: Then we'll all move to Sweden!
Kamesen: BEASTY BOYS KNOWN TO LET THE BEAT.. *smashes through the entire structure of the boat*
Yacht: *sinks immediately*
Kamesen: *pops above the water's surface* What the hell!? *glances behind him*
Donors: *clinging to driftwood* HOW DARE YOU.
Kamesen: I thought I was just gonna bust through the ceiling and then have an angry discourse with you!
Donor 1: YOU BROKE OUR BOAT.
Kamesen: ...You broke our country. *swims for shore*
Donor 2: Come back here at once! ..We'll pay you!
Kamesen: *keeps on swimmin'*
Donor 3: Shit; he's invincible to bribery!
*A shark fin circles the wreckage*
Donor 4: Uh-oh.
Donor 1: We will pay you not to eat us.
Kamesen: *climbs out of the ocean* Hunh. Sea levels are still rising.
Person: Shut up with your liberal commie leftist.. fascist.. lies. It was cold in a certain region of the arctic last week, which proves you wrong.
Kamesen: *stares out to sea while wringing out shirt* Coral reef's almost dead..
Person: LIES. SOCIALISM.
Kamesen: *turns and looks at him* Didn't you explode before?
Person: ....AAAHHH *explodes*
Kamesen: *shuts eyes and purses lips as a sheet of candied yams and corn syrup slaps against him* ... *slowly wipes a hand down his face and slops aside a handful of mess, then stomps off squishily*
Ben Shapiro: *runs up* YOU seem easy to piss off! Debate me!
Shapiro: Please; I need pageviews.
Kamesen: NO. *starts running*
Shapiro: GET BACK HERE; I HAVE MOUTHS TO FEED.
Kamesen: AWAY *jumps into the air and flies off*
Shapiro: COWARD! LEFTIST! MORON!
Kamesen: SCREW YOU; I CAN FLY! WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
Kamesen: *laying in bed, slowly flailing his arms* Hahahaaa.. wheeeee..
Mario: *standing in the doorway* ... *sighs*