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It was brought up to me by my boss yesterday cause he's thinking about holding a contest on there.    I have a different opinion of the site as a designer than he does as a consumer.

So what do you think?  Waste of time?  Great way to make a name for yourself?  Great way to build a portfolio?  Great way to get your shit ripped off?

for the moment, I think I'll sleep on the couch
The emotional atmosphere of my household sucks.  It SUCKS.  I'm so sick of being the one who is always expected to bend, when he never bends for me.  I'm tired of being the 'bad guy' the one who is 'too demanding.'  I cannot ask anything of him without getting reprimanded for being too bossy. I get empty future promises, which I hate, and have hated for longer than I can remember.  I'll clean the house on Friday he'll say.  And then Friday comes and goes and the house is still a wreck. True, I could give up all my free time to clean up after him, his friends, myself, etc. But the influx of garbage in my house is such that, unless I am willing to do nothing else, there is no way for me to find the time to do my own schoolwork, and clean up the mess of two people. So yes, I may be demanding, and demand that if he is going to be living in the house that I own, he keeps it to some sort of standard...

But how much do I really ask? All I really want is for him to not treat me with a double standard. To make excuses and rules that explain why he can act the way he wishes, all while expecting that I must give up how I wish to be to become how he expects me to be. He may say to me "I am not willing to sleep on your schedule because of school." Well and fair, because you have to wake up for class, but don't use that as an excuse to tell me that I HAVE to start sleeping on your schedule.  I do not wake up at 8AM.  I never have. I never will. I am not interested in that schedule. I love the nighttime, and the cooler breezes of dusk/dawn. I will not give them up for the heat of the day and the glare of the sun.

I don't understand where the trouble lies in the first place.  When he is asleep, I am awake.  When he is at school, I am asleep.  By the time he is back, I am awake and we have the evening to spend together.  How is this a bad thing? Someone, Please tell me. But because I won't deign to give up my schedule to conform to his, to lie next to him in our uncomfortably small bed which he insists upon sleeping right in the middle of whether I am there or not, I am selfish and deserve anger from him.

If it's that damned hard for him to take out the garbage, or to pick up after himself, instead of treating me like his maid... to do his own homework, or to use the help that the school provides to him because of his learning disability instead of asking me to 'help' with his homework... Help being the key word in that sentence, since my 'help' invariably turns into me doing it all, since he'll never give me the start of a paper to work with.. just bitch at me that it's due....

I'm sick of being embarrassed to go out with him because him manners are atrocious.  Because he tells me that "I've always chewed with my mouth open, and to be honest, I don't think it's bad manners..."  Well I may shit on your floor and say it's not bad manners as far as I'm concerned, but the rest of polite society most certainly will disagree, as will my parents.

My parents.  God, there's something I really don't want to think about.  They think I'm nuts, and I know that much for fact.  My mom so kindly came up to me before our garage sale and asked me "does his family not have much money? Cause he always dresses kind of raggedy, and I have some of Greg's old clothes if he wants them instead of me selling them"  Of course his family has money mom.  "Oh" she says while looking at me with an expression that says "so your boyfriend just LIKES looking like a hobo."   I have no reply so I walk away. My dad in talking to my brother simply sighs and says "Well, Stephanie is happy and I SUPPOSE that's the only thing that matters...."

But I'm not happy.  In fact.  I haven't been happy in a long time.  I find myself more and more at odds with this person who is now a facet of my life.  I can't kick him out, because no matter how much I may want to at times, that would be detrimental to his life and to his future, and I do care enough about him not to want to be the cause of that.  However, where is the line to be drawn? The line where either I am detrimental to his future or he is detrimental to mine?

That's the real dilema here.  The selfish self-preservation that tells me to drop him like a bad habit, and the part of me that remembers how much I liked him before I lived with him and truly knew him. While I am working so hard to try and keep this going lest my sanity abate and I start beating my head against the wall from frustration I can't help but realize.... It's getting harder and harder for me to say "I love you."