The Kevin Chronicles
The first 6 chapters will be posted over this week, if you can't wait that long, you can find them all in the journal. New chapters are usually posted each weekend. Please enjoy
The Kevin Chronicle - Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen – Crikey! World’s Deadliest Llamas
Welcome back folks, I’m your llama, Kevin Llamason, and thanks for joining me on another episode of “All the Animals That Have Tried to Kill Me”. If you tuned in last week, you might remember that I only just managed to survive a close encounter with a mildly irate Madagascan pygmy elephant, and had it not been for my quick wits and superior liability insurance, this week’s show might not have been possible. In regards to last week, just for the sake of clarity, I’d like to say for the record that it is a perfectly acceptable social convention to wait 4 days before calling a girl back, also the threat of removing ones genitals through ones right nostril is not productive response to disappointment. It’s not like I’d lost her number, I would have found it eventually, but as I’m sure you’ll remember, it is very difficu
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen – One Round of X-treme Llamas
Within the cutthroat, bare knuckle, spontaneous de-pantsing world of UMX, there is one llama who needs no introduction. Jeremy, from Camelid Fitness, met up with Kevin to ask the hard hitting, no holds barred, take no prisoners, go for the guts questions that every diehard, basement dwelling, hardcore, passive aggressive stalking, fanatical part-time enthusiast demands answers to. We have the overly graphic and often deeply disturbing hate mail to prove it.
Kevin, nice weather, don’t you think?
Of course I think. What kind of question is that? Are you implying that I don’t think, because 3 of my 4 mental agility coaches have assured me that I do in fact think, and I won’t have some jumped up excuse for an “investigative journalist” come in here and accuse me of not thinking. How dare you!
Right. Moving on. What can you tell me ab
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen – Llama Overboard
The foremost llama in arctic survival, Kevin Llamason, was in the middle of tracking a six foot, one legged Asian panda in a yeti costume, across the frigid tundra of the Gobi desert, when he was struck by a flying fish popsicle. While considering the ramifications of said popsicle, he was struck once again, only this time by an idea. It was a fairly complicated and a somewhat intricate idea that involved complex arithmetical calculations, careful contemplation of a dozen higher powers and several higher degrees in physics, animal husbandry and country style French cuisine, all of which he did not have. So mind-bendingly convoluted was this idea that Kevin promptly lost consciousness from the strain of it all. When he came to, the thought was gone. But he did have another thought.
“The Bermuda Triangle is one of the world’s greatest mysteries. But what if we’ve been on the wr
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 15
Chapter 15 – Llamas in Law and Order: SUV
The story you are about to hear isn’t true. The names haven’t been changed to protect the innocent, because everyone is guilty of something.
This is the city. It’s filled with cars. Some of those cars are SUVs. Sometimes those SUVs go bad. That’s where I come in. I’m a llama. And a cop. I work with a special division within the 13th Precinct, investigating Sports Utility Vehicle related crime. My partner’s name is Jeremy Sanders. My name is Wednesday, I mean Llamason. Kevin Llamason.
It was a blistering winter’s day, which was odd, but I don’t investigate the weather. If I did, that would make me a meteorologist, and I’m not. I’m a cop. And I had a case. My partner was already at the scene when I got there, getting the particulars from the on-scene uniform. I decided to work the body.
It was black, shiny and still had that new
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen – Which llama you gonna call?
Beneath the calm, almost mind numbing exterior of modern society exists a hidden world of crime, violence and melty cheese sauce, and beneath that fermented dairy veneer is yet another world of cupcakes, sparkles and unicorns that fart rainbows, but it’s beneath this innocent, sugar coated candy land that our heroes dare to wander. In that unseen realm of the bizarre and unexplained. In the space between the living and the dead, but if you reach the land of the undead, you’ve gone too far. It’s kind of undead adjacent. Zombies sometimes visit, but we’re talking voodoo zombie not zombie apocalypse zombie. It is here, within the domain of ghosts, ghouls, specters and spooks, the sphere of banshees and boogiemen and the odd tax accountant, that the premiere team of ghost hunters, trackers and part time grocery store clerks, do battle with the great beyond.
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen - The Invasion of the Regular-Sized, Somewhat Green, Martian Llamas
They came from beyond the stars. Well, actually they came from a smallish red planet called Gorlanaxicopia Three, otherwise known as Mars to us Earthlings, but due to a navigation 404 error, perpetrated by Ensign F Class, designation – Gavin, they were forced to detour around three separate galaxies. So from our point of view it would have looked like they came from beyond the stars, but in reality it was more like your next door neighbour popping round to borrow some milk or soy based equivalent. Not that it mattered, 1 light-year or several hundred million, it all looks like Martian Invasion to us. It just so happened that in this particular instance, that’s exactly what it was.
You wouldn’t think a single midsize Gorlanaxicopian Barbara Class vessel would be enough to constitute an invasion, but as we all know, a Barbara of
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve - March of the Llamas (Narrated by Dave Indahood)
From the technicolor voles of Eastern Uganda to the obsessive compulsive sloths of the far northern tropics, in all the animal kingdom, there is no creature more graceful, or more utterly entrancing than the noble and dignified llama.
Seen here in its natural environment of Insert Clever Name, New Jersey, this fine specimen of its species attempts to battle impossible odds, as it struggles to survive in this cutthroat urban wilderness known as suburbia. Surrounded by cutting edge technology, the best in modern medical insurance, and a neighborhood of caring and supportive do-gooders, it’s a wonder this creature has survived this long. It’s only thanks to its natural resilience, boundless curiosity and of course it’s inviting nature that it has managed to survive thus far.
“What the hell are you doing in my house?”
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven – QNA with Kevin
As millions of Kevin’s lobotomized fans write in each week, it’s been decided that it’s my duty as his official biographer to dictate some replies for him. I didn’t decide this, but apparently I don’t get a say in the matter. Typical. Anyway, here are a few of the more entertaining contributions.
I was recently eaten by a grue and it proved to be a very unsettling experience for the poor chap. I thought I’d bring some wine the next time I ventured into the darkness. It seems the least I could do. So I was wondering if you could recommend a good vintage that pairs well with hapless adventurer. Any thoughts? – ConsiderateChow
From my vast experience as dinner for a whole assortment of monsters, included my good friend the grue, I&
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 10
Chapter Ten - Llama on the High-heeled Seas
In the entire course of civilized society the terms “llama” and “pirate” have rarely if ever shared the same sentence, but Kevin wasn’t about to let something like literary history stand in his way of making a name amongst the great beards of swashbuckling. Blackbeard, Yellowbeard, Curly Purplebeard the Terrible Smelling, Forkbeard the Spoon Thief, the enigmatic Beardless Steve, and of course, Greybeard the Paranoid. Who was actually so named not for having a grey beard, it was reported to be a delightful shade of puce, but rather it pertains to his uncharacteristically long life. The stories say he lived well into his thirties, a feat only made more extraordinary by the fact that he was stabbed in the back almost 17 and a half times. Kevin idolized them all and longed to take his place among the pantheon of piracy. He’d already amassed a sizeable counter
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 9
Chapter Nine – The Plight of an 8-bit Text-based Llama
On a desolate and abandoned country road, a llama slumbers gracelessly, his face in the dirt and his ass in the air. His name tag says “Kevin”.
Status Effect on Kevin: Hung-over.
Kevin casts Drool. Success.
(Kevin gains –1 Dignity)
He awakens, barely. I mean I think he’s awake. There’s not much movement but his eyes are open. Hold on, is he still breathing?
Get up fails epically.
(Kevin gains –2 Dignity. Dignity is dangerously low)
>Get up, slowly.
Kevin staggers to his feet and casts about disoriented and confused.
Achievement unlocked: “Speaking in Tongues!”
>Where are my pants?
Kevin has unlocked The Power of Speech.
I do not have that information. What would a llama needs pants for anyway?
>Where am I?
Achievement unlocked: “Stereotypic
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 8
Chapter Eight – Llama Point High, Orange County
Previously on Llama Point High –
Despite finally overcoming every llama related negative stereotype, Kevin’s chronic pinkie toe pain threatened to kill his dream of becoming an Olympic figure skater. Which is good news for Jeremy, who stands to take his place in the upcoming sub regional initiation trials for provisional acceptance into the probationary qualification of the newbie level semi amateur round robin collective. The first stepping stone to actual provisional acceptance. Faced with this crushing prospect Kevin made some difficult and unsavory choices about sport related drug use, and now struggles to conceal the increasing symptoms of his severe Gatorade withdrawal. But drugs aren’t Kevin’s only problem.
After receiving an anonymous note in his locker, Kevin found out that his girlfriend Alison has cheated on their shared love of high impact poet
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 7
Attention Readers!!! For optimal reading experience, I highly recommend listening to this video in the background. I was listening to this when I wrote this chapter and it really takes to the atmosphere of the story to a totally different level while reading. Just a suggestion though.
Chapter Seven – I Like My Whiskey Neat and My Llamas Hardboiled
The dying sun murdered a bloody wash of red on my desk, as I slugged the rest of my non-alcoholic whiskey. The amber nectar left a burning trail down to my stomach. It was the first heat I’d felt all day. It didn’t last. The Chicago Typewriter sitting on the desk was starting to look pretty appealing. Too bad it was loaded with blanks. Story of my life.
As I lifted my glass, I caught a silhouette sweep across the glass paned door. I could have sworn it was a duck. Things were about to ge
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 6
Chapter Six - The Llama That Wore a Blazing Saddle
With the Civil Servants War over, the railroad wandering ponderously across the country and the national murder rate into quadruple figures, Kevin Llamason sat surrounded by his sizeably amassed wealth of limited edition gold plated dentures. Life had been good to Kevin. His pharmaceutical company had completely revolutionized the medical profession. Built upon the sturdy backs and crushed dreams of immigrant children, Kevin’s Miraculous Cure-all Miracle Elixir of Miracles was the gold standard in affordable charlatan medicine, second only to actual snake oil. And as one of the most successful businessmen in Manhattan, no man could ask for more. But Kevin was a llama, so ask for more he did.
Already well into his declining years, and staring the down the barrel of the big 2-0, Kevin wanted more than just a sweet pad and endless parties. He wanted adventure, he wanted the wild
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 5
Chapter Five – The Farm-wife Who Went to Find Stuff and Defeat Some Evil Dude, Because Some Old Llama Told Her To, Because of Destiny and Junk (Book 1 of 113)
In a land torn apart by petty squabbles over who stole whose sandwich, oppressed by a tyrannical toddler who refused to go to bed, and constantly in fear of invasion by the bloodthirsty neighbors over the fence, there was a prophecy. That one day a hero would come. And he did. Then he left. So the people petitioned the oracle for another prophecy. And after filling out the appropriate paperwork, having said paperwork notarized, duplicated in triplicate and then filed with the appropriate prophets union, the people were given a new prophecy.
Which said, “Please turn over.” They were reading the back. On the front it said, “A terrible darkness will cover the land and only a truly noble hero, aided by some other noble heroes, and armed with some rare
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 4 (Revised)
Chapter Four – Z Dawn of the Walking Undead Llamas
When the inevitable Zombie (which isn’t exactly what they’re called because you’re not supposed to call them zombies, but everyone knows they are zombies, so we may as well call them what they really are, which is zombies) Apocalypse struck, Kevin the Llama was exactly where you would expect the protagonist of a zombie apocalypse story to be, unconscious. While celebrating the success of his recent scientific breakthrough, which unequivocally proved beyond a shadow of a doubt the complete impossibility of a potential zombie like epidemic, just the night before, Kevin overindulged with a single glass of apple cider and within minutes was dead to the world.
While Kevin slept, the world went to hell in a hand-basket, decorated with a bloody red bow, and filled with those tiny jars of gourmet preserves, that taste so amazing but only ever cover one piece o
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 3 (Revised)
Chapter 3 - Llama of a Thousand Burning Hooves
Every person has at least one course altering, struck from above, put you on your ass, monumentally significant, destiny defining moment in their lives. Kevin has had three. The first, at the age of 2½, was when he faced the crushing inevitability of his own fragile mortality after watching an episode of Senior Citizens gone wild. The second, just 3 days later, took the form of a grand, sweeping romance in which he met, courted and made a lifelong commitment, to an expired can of tuna. And the third, and perhaps the most significant, was when he discovered that everyone was Kung Fu fighting.
Upon discovering this earth shattering news, Kevin did what any rational person would do, he bought some personal injury insurance. Then, after waiting the standard 3 days for the paperwork to clear, he decided to become the greatest martial artist that ever lived. And he only had a week to do i
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 2 (Revised)
Chapter Two - Dr. Strange-Llama
Even from a very young age, Kevin the Llama had always dreamed of becoming a morgue attendant. But that meant med-school. So, armed with a desire to learn, an unconquerable blood phobia, and an AK47, Kevin enrolled in the cheapest college he could find, Alistair Brown’s College for Air Conditioner Repair. It was a long, hard slog, but after 7 years as an undergrad, 13 years as a travelling salesman, 18 months as a medical cadaver, and 23.4 years in medical school, not accounting for his year abroad losing then bumping into himself, Kevin finally graduated. However, just seconds after receiving his Diploma, in a random and semi-casual conversation, Kevin overheard something that would change the course of his life. Apparently he’d accidentally misread the qualifications for a job as a morgue attendant. All that was required was a GED, something he had achieved by the age of 12, and a
The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 1 (Revised)
Chapter One: Origins of an Unlikely Llama...
Far, far away, on a planet, many extra-lite years from here, a young llama like creature gruesomely murdered his parents in a dark alleyway, one night after a visit to the theatre. Opera just wasn’t his thing. For this heinous crime, he was forever banished to the butthole of the universe, and forced to slum it on a backwater blue planet called Earth. Also his home planet blew up, and everyone died.
Shortly upon arriving on Earth he was bitten by a radioactive gibbon, and from that day forth he would be known far and wide, as the llama with a bad rash on his left leg. While being treated for his injury, he was accidentally given a bad batch of green blood belonging to a shirtless roid-raging physicist. Disgusted with the service he was getting, the llama stormed out, but before he could even make it past the car park, a passing truck deliberately dumped a vat of toxic waste all over