The Kevin Chronicles - Chapter 10

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Ch10-pirate-llama-25-04-16 by KaidokJ

Chapter Ten - Llama on the High-heeled Seas

In the entire course of civilized society the terms “llama” and “pirate” have rarely if ever shared the same sentence, but Kevin wasn’t about to let something like literary history stand in his way of making a name amongst the great beards of swashbuckling. Blackbeard, Yellowbeard, Curly Purplebeard the Terrible Smelling, Forkbeard the Spoon Thief, the enigmatic Beardless Steve, and of course, Greybeard the Paranoid. Who was actually so named not for having a grey beard, it was reported to be a delightful shade of puce, but rather it pertains to his uncharacteristically long life. The stories say he lived well into his thirties, a feat only made more extraordinary by the fact that he was stabbed in the back almost 17 and a half times. Kevin idolized them all and longed to take his place among the pantheon of piracy. He’d already amassed a sizeable counterfeit DVD empire but what he really yearned for was a life of adventure, unreliable pay, bracing sea air, thinly veiled homo-eroticism, backbreaking labour, dubious hygiene, and overwhelming isolation. The open ocean was calling him and he decided to pick up the phone. Kevin set out to become a pirate of the seafaring variety.

However, his enthusiasm for adventure and cutthroat diplomacy took a turn for the worse after a clerical error resulted in what would have been a comical misunderstanding if his life didn’t hang in the balance. Things had started out fine. He’d arrived at the docks, located the local pirate recruiting station and signed his name with the obligatory “X”. Things couldn’t have been simpler and yet despite such a streamlined process, Kevin found himself assigned to the Bearded Clam, which despite its auspicious sounding name, didn’t really live up to his lofty expectations. The pink sails were his first clue that something might be amiss, the second of which was an uncharacteristic sense of orderliness on deck. But it was perhaps the overabundance of estrogen amongst the crew that convinced Kevin that something was terribly wrong. Women. He was on a ship manned by women. Even the captain’s pet penguin, Admiral Fluffypants, sat down to tinkle. Short women, tall woman, buxom and flat, they spanned the female spectrum. They did however have one other thing in common, a resounding dislike for men of any sort.

Kevin’s problems escalated when he was confronted the most intimidating woman he had ever come across. Tall, emasculatingly muscular, and sporting an array of tattoos, including a tattoo depicting what appeared to be the act of getting a tattoo, her stern expression and discerning stare was exactly what Kevin had come to expect in a pirate, except for one conspicuously absent appendage. She even had a wooden leg, which she carried around with her and handled in an unsettling way. Kevin couldn’t help but feel sorry for the poor sap who originally owned it. She didn’t seem the sort to have acquired it in a friendly game of bridge. Were those blood stains?

“Kevin’s a funny name for a girl,” said the large lady pirate.

Kevin did what any self-respecting, red blooded, alpha male would do in his situation, he lied.

“My father always wanted a boy,” said Kevin, praying no one decided to check his credentials.

“Typical male-centric ideological oppression,” said the bulging buccaneer.

Kevin, at a loss at how to respond, resorted to the only safe reply he could think of. “Arrr.”

“Oh, honey. Don’t you know that you are just reinforcing the patriarchal dominance of a gender skewed system, designed to instil terror and submissive behaviour of your fellow sisters.”

Kevin at this stage had no idea what to say. It was quickly becoming clear that opening his mouth was tantamount to verbal quicksand.

“The name’s Candy, the Quartermistress. I’ll show you the ropes,” said Candy in a reassuring manner. Kevin managed a weak smile but said nothing. It seemed the safest option.

Candy was true to her word. She showed Kevin all the ropes, literally. First the main sail yards followed by the mizzenmast yards and so on. By the time they were finished Kevin was firmly convinced that the call of the sea he’d received earlier was clearly a wrong number, and his yearning for adventure had most probably just been gas. He was however somewhat committed to sticking it out for at least as long as it took to make port, which considering they’d only just left, was looking to be a long wait. Plenty of time to practice his falsetto. 

Sorry guys that this was so late, and if it feels a little short. I really liked this idea but I sort of struggled getting it down so hopefully next week will go a little more smoothly.
I hope everyone enjoys Kevin's latest adventure, this time atop the high seas. Also, I feel as though I should clarify that I fully support female equality, this jab at feminism was purely for comedic effect. ^^;
Anyway, let me know what you think.
Tune in next week for more.

And in case you've missed them, the rest of the series can be found here.
© 2016 - 2022 KaidokJ
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Alex-kellar's avatar
I think I've seen it all, hahaha. Extreme feminist pirates?
Oh man, this is gold. Hahaha
KaidokJ's avatar
Thanks. If I said it once, then I've said it a thousand times,
"It's not a swashbuckling adventure unless there's band of 
hyper aggressive, mutually supportive, lady pirates hellbent
on overturning the patriarchy."
Dr-XIII's avatar
Kevin should be happy he didn't have to work for Captain Parrot-Beard. Besides, I've Wiped THAT Scarvy Dog outta the water. And Here's PROOF. >  To Kill a Pirate by Dr-XIII
KaidokJ's avatar
Yeah, I think feathers might clash with his llama hair coat.
Mrs-Elizabeth's avatar
okay... :trapped: 
okay.... Oh Stop It  
Your just wrong man! Crawling.., 
Just... Can't Stop Laughing - NaNoEmo Day 2 
Sailing the seven seas 
KaidokJ's avatar
While the emoji were entertaining, I have no idea what you're trying to tell me here.
Not that I'm complaining, just kind of curious. :D
Mrs-Elizabeth's avatar
I was in a mood. Sorry. It was funny. I'm just crazy sometimes. Think of it as a hyperactive ferret bouncing off the walls and singing the macarena. Yep. 'Bout that much sense sometimes. :p
KaidokJ's avatar
O-kay. :D
It's not a problem, just was wondering.
I'll keep that in mind for next time. :D
Medral's avatar
Plenty of time to practice his falsetto xD
KaidokJ's avatar
Glad you liked it. :)
WOLFBLADE111's avatar
XDDD Lol Oh what a Pirate Life.
KaidokJ's avatar
Yo ho ho and a game of rummy. :D
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