Chapter One: Origins of an Unlikely Llama...
Far, far away, on a planet, many extra-lite years from here, a young llama like creature gruesomely murdered his parents in a dark alleyway, one night after a visit to the theatre. Opera just wasn’t his thing. For this heinous crime, he was forever banished to the butthole of the universe, and forced to slum it on a backwater blue planet called Earth. Also his home planet blew up, and everyone died.
Shortly upon arriving on Earth he was bitten by a radioactive gibbon, and from that day forth he would be known far and wide, as the llama with a bad rash on his left leg. While being treated for his injury, he was accidentally given a bad batch of green blood belonging to a shirtless roid-raging physicist. Disgusted with the service he was getting, the llama stormed out, but before he could even make it past the car park, a passing truck deliberately dumped a vat of toxic waste all over him, as a joke. When he finally awoke and the glowing eventually subsided, he was given a clean bill of health, of which he had 23 minutes to pay. Faced with crippling debt and an ever looming deadline, the young llama took to the streets and embraced a life of crime.
Murder, larceny, armed robbery, horse rustling, the llama read about them all, but nothing really appealed to him. In the end he decided to go with what he knew. Jaywalking. And he was really good at it. 11th Street, Madison Ave, Rodeo Drive, he crossed them all. Unfortunately, jaywalking wasn’t one of those crimes that proved lucrative, so he retired from crime and moved into tabloid journalism. More of a lateral move, really.
But with this new job came a sense of purpose and meaning. He was finally making a difference. No more would the private lives of famous people go unreported. Nor would sweet, gullible housewives suffer the indignity of leaving a grocery store without first learning about the latest sighting of ghost Asian Elvis. When that crack pot, gap-toothed hillbilly lost 3 weeks memory and all feeling in his left testicle, claiming alien abduction, he was there. When that sextuplet 3 headed horse-cow was born to a pair of conjoined mixed gender sheep, he was there. And when that narcissistic, socialite, insta-fame queen went to the gym without makeup, he was there. Snapping pics and taking names. Because he had a hidden camera, and he wasn’t afraid to lie in print.
But this llama had a secret. By day he was a bad mouthed, hyper aggressive paparazzo, but by night he would harass a different brand of social pond scum. Once a hardened criminal himself, he was perfectly familiar with the seedy underbelly of the city’s criminal element. And as it turned out, the combination of being from another planet, being bitten by a glowing gibbon, some mutated blood and being doused in radiation, eventually caused him to develop extraordinary powers, the likes of which no man could match. With his astounding abilities to read the thoughts of small rodents; to clear a city sized square block with his heinous farts; to slow dance to dubstep; and the less practical but by no means less impressive ability to sneeze with his eyes open, it wasn’t long before the criminals of the city started fearing his name. And from that day forth, that name was, the Amazingly Incredible, Somewhat Dark and Kind of Super, Kevin the Flying Green Alien Knight Llama.