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The Kevin Chronicle - Chapter 18

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Ch18-wilderness-llama-colored-21-06-16 by KaidokJ

Chapter Eighteen – Crikey! World’s Deadliest Llamas

Welcome back folks, I’m your llama, Kevin Llamason, and thanks for joining me on another episode of “All the Animals That Have Tried to Kill Me”. If you tuned in last week, you might remember that I only just managed to survive a close encounter with a mildly irate Madagascan pygmy elephant, and had it not been for my quick wits and superior liability insurance, this week’s show might not have been possible. In regards to last week, just for the sake of clarity, I’d like to say for the record that it is a perfectly acceptable social convention to wait 4 days before calling a girl back, also the threat of removing ones genitals through ones right nostril is not productive response to disappointment. It’s not like I’d lost her number, I would have found it eventually, but as I’m sure you’ll remember, it is very difficult to reason with someone, when she has her trunk wrapped around your esophagus.

Anyway, moving on. This week we have a great show for you. We are once again going to confront some of the world’s deadliest animals, deep within their natural habitat, while safely and responsibly demonstrating just how much a threat they pose, to the continued existence of mankind. Now, I should point out, that as an avid animal conversationalist and part time pet babysitter, that I in no way advocate the systematic eradication of these species. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t warn you that any one of the creatures you’ve seen on the show, might one day snap and go on a brutal rampage of death and destruction. I’ve seen it before, more than once. I’m sure you all remember the grizzly attacks that took place just last year. 98 people were killed and almost 312 injured before that Chihuahua was finally taken into custody, and we still don’t know what set her off.

Also, before we begin and it probably goes without saying but my insurance company has been very adamant about this, that even though the animals you see on this show might appear harmless, this is just Hollywood special effects and good method acting on my part. These animals are dangerous. If they weren’t, this show would probably be called “All the Animals that Haven’t Tried to Kill Me”, which, now that I think about it, might get better ratings but would inevitably be a much shorter broadcast. So remember kids, just because you see me fondling the poisonous fangs of a Himalayan goat, does not mean you should. Always get permission from a responsible adult first.

Now that I have absolved myself of any legal responsibility for the anti-Darwinian behavior of you, my ever loyal audience, it is time to move on to the meat of this week’s show. This week we have a real treat for you. The animal on offer today is perhaps the most sinister, diabolical, potentially catastrophically terrifying creature to ever walk the face of the earth. So incredibly terrible is this species, that previous generations of man have taken great measures to insure our safety, through strict population control and breeding programs. I’m talking about none other than the mild mannered, seemingly domesticated, urban-dwelling llama.

Left unchecked these creatures are almost certainly the greatest threat to the world as we know it. And just recently, this intrepid caricature of an unhinged television personality has learned, thanks to the fine people at itsnotparanoiawehavebeenchecked.com, that despite the measures we have taken, they may still pose a credible threat. Most people don’t know it, but there is mounting evidence that suggests that the “docile” llama is in fact lulling us into a false sense of security, while slowly insinuating themselves into our society. So sophisticated is this worldwide conspiracy that anyone could be a llama, and they might not even realize it. Then, when we least expect it, BAM! The human race has been overthrown and subjugated to the will of their new llama overlords.

And now a few words from our sponsor.

***

Is your pet suffering? Is your puppy staring down the barrel of a midlife crisis? Is your cat struggling to justify its pointless existence in a world gone to the dogs? How about your hamster, is it spinning its wheel? Has your rat given up on the rat race? Or is your turtle struggling to keep up with the hustle and bustle of its modern urban lifestyle? Well, here at Youth in Asia Pet Clinic, we can help. Call us today.    

Book now and advantage of our latest buy one get one free promotion.

Youth in Asia Pet Clinic. We kill because we care.

Okay, so I know it's late, but I had a lot of trouble finding a genre that inspired me. Finally I just decided to write one that didn't and in the end it turned out pretty good anyway, well, at least I think it did. Having said that, I feel as though I should probably take a moment to address all those pet owners out there who might have read the joke advertisement at the end and thought it in bad taste, which is fair. Losing a pet can be a very traumatic thing and I wouldn't want to diminish that pain in anyway. This was merely meant as lame attempt at absurd humor and if you were offended, I apologize.
With that in mind, please let me know what you thought about this chapter. Did you like it? Was it funny? Were you offended? Let me know.
And tune in next time for more of Kevin's adventures.
 
And in case you've missed them, t
he rest of the series can be found here. 
© 2016 - 2022 KaidokJ
Comments16
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KanaGo's avatar
Okay, I've read all the stories, and it was a smooth reading save for the fact that quite incidentally I started to read them with a Spanish dictionary opened in my reader instead of an English one. The dictionary told me that llama means "passion" and after reading this I think it wasn't an entirely wrong translation, since you seem to be very passionate about Kevin the Llama's adventures. (Psst, I'm writing that because I suspect that he keeps you chained to the radiator and makes you write his biography for food, if it's really so give me a sign, just be subtle!)  
Well, jokes aside, it was really amusing and somewhat educational reading. Each identity of Kevin is unique and totally hilarious! I must confess I recognized only few allusions, but it didn't prevent me from having fun. Thanks for my pleasant evening! Clap  
KaidokJ's avatar
Thanks. That's really great to hear. Although I can't imagine how difficult
it might have been with a Spanish dictionary, since this nonsense barely
makes sense in English. :D

And yes, I am very passionate about llamas. I would passionately remove
them all from the face of earth if I could. Not kill them, just jettison them 
into space...humanely. If only we had the technology.
And don't worry, I'm not handcuffed to radiator. Kevin's tyranny is purely
financial. I agree to making him look good and possibly making him a 
household name with a vast merchandising empire and in exchange I get
0.07% and he doesn't destroy my reputation within the amateur go-kart
community. A fair deal if ever I made one.

I understand about the references. Some of the them are perhaps a little
obscure or genre specific. It is good to hear that you enjoyed them despite
that. It is very encouraging. :love:
Dr-XIII's avatar
Next Time on “All the Animals that Haven’t Tried to Kill Me”, Rabid, Drunk Deer go on the Attack!
KaidokJ's avatar
I actually saw that episode. But I have to side with the deer, Kevin totally had it coming. You insult a deer's origami collection and you better be ready to throw down, I'm just saying is all.
Dr-XIII's avatar
Damn! You must've seen it FIRST!
KaidokJ's avatar
I also saw the bootleg footage of the personal police cam when Kevin was later arrested for conspiracy to commit assisted venicide (venison suicide).
Mrs-Elizabeth's avatar
Hi. I just got some strange glasses in the mail today. When I put them on, all the people I know looked like llamas. These glasses are so special that people, a.k.a. llamas in disguise, have been chasing me all over the place. I think I'm the only human left..... nope. Just looked in the mirror. I'm a llama!

Kudos if you get the movie reference! :D
KaidokJ's avatar
Nice "They Live" reference. :D
And Kevin says "Shhhh! That information clearly 'need to know'."
Stare  
Mrs-Elizabeth's avatar
YAY - I love it when some random person actually understands something I've referenced even though it's completely obscure! lol

wait a sec.... Kevin's the one hosting the show... and the animal in question is llamas.... Hmmmm... Kevin, give me back the remote!
KaidokJ's avatar
Yeah, a llama hosting a nature show expounding on the dangers of llamas in society is probably one of those situations where its better not to examine it too closely. Of course it is quite possible that as a mouthpiece for the llama conspiracy I could be attempting to divert any further scrutiny concerning this issue. Either way... DON'T LOOK BEHIND THE CURTAIN! CURSE YOU! 
Mrs-Elizabeth's avatar
yes, yes, lets all ignore the strange old man behind the curtain. he's just a patsy, bow slave bow!
KaidokJ's avatar
That's the spirit.
Medral's avatar
We kill because we care.
XD epic
KaidokJ's avatar
Thanks, and that's one of my favorite lines in the whole TKC so I'm glad you liked it. :D
And sorry this is so late in coming. Kevin has been harassing me to reply for ages. Something about treating his fans with respect. I hope this gets him off my back. :|
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