Don't take chance, it's not worth the pain. Despite a really crappy day I managed to hang on to a good mood briefly. That's gone now, and the events are directly related to a chance I took months ago. I made the mistake of telling someone I had feelings for them - it was a burden keeping it to myself. At first there was a glimmer of hope, I was told the feelings were shared but that she had doubts and it was unlikely to go anywhere. Still, not terrible news. Days later, that changed to no feelings, just want to be friends. Ever since, it seems like everything I say or do is being judged - plans keep getting canceled, I have been told that she thinks I am too far down a bad road and it scares her...though she says she still wants to be my friend. She has wondered why when I am depressed I can't share all of my feelings with her - but I know a lot of them would be misinterpreted or outright judged. Right now I just do not feel like much of a friend, or a person for that matter. I regret ever telling her. I have so few friends left - I can count my friends on one hand with two fingers to spare...maybe three now.
Is it any wonder I draw further and further away from the world daily? There is nothing in it for me. I have nothing truly good in my life - no one to share hopes and joys with, and no one to help carry the burden. I am not strong enough.
I mainly post this here to remind me in the future - if I ever think I have feelings for anyone, to keep it to myself. There is no point in sharing it, and it will only come back to give me more regrets or cost me another friendship at the end of the day.
Why does everyone get to be happy but me? Never mind, it's a rhetorical question...
Well, my good moods gone. Alone with all the things that fuel my depression again. No friends in sight. Might as well kill off a bottle or two of whiskey and try to chase away the ghosts, echoes, and memories.