Kaera-Neko

I haven't really uploaded anything in quite some time (something I seem to mention in all of my journals, and I am sorry about that), besides from that one poem, and I think my notifications are at an all time high. I think I'm gonna upload a whole bunch of stuff at once, just for the hell of it. I've studied creative media for a year and a half now and seeing as some of my pictures turn out really well, why haven't I put anything up here yet?

I honestly am pretty mediochre at drawing most of the time, I have a lot of more confidence in writing and, as it turns out, photography. Writing is creating just as much as drawing is, but writing is more like describing a drawing inside of your head, which I find to be a lot easier than getting a drawing out of your mind, through your arm, out to the tip of your fingers, through the pencil and out on a paper. Right now my drawings are more like writings, you can see what they are, but they are only there to be seen for what they are, rather than to look good. I envy all of you artists out there who were born with the ability to make masterpieces, or those of you who have worked really hard to achieve it, because I will most likely never join your ranks, as I simply do not have the dicipline or energy to improve my skills through hard work.
I envy you, and I respect you deeply.

Photography is more like writing than drawing, as you describe a part of the world from an angle, which might be why I feel better at it than drawing. You don't need to create the universe from scratch when you take a picture. I don't mean to make light of photographers, but to me painters are like gods, while I am a chronicler.


This is probably a redundant wall of text, but I love making redundant walls of text. If I could somehow make floors and ceilings of text, I'd have a literal mansion by now. A very redundant mansion...

But I am straying from what I really want to write, that is also a thing that contributes to redundancy. Redundancy doesn't even sound like a word anymore, does it? Re-dun-dan-cy... You're welcome.

<big>Anyway,</big> I'll try and upload a bunch of my chronicles of the world later, I'm just gonna go and have some dinner first. We'll see if I come through or not, because even though I have written twice in this thing already that I am going to upload the photos (make that three times), I tend to often go back on my word. A quality that is not admirable, and that I am not sure if it's entirely my own fault, or how the world has shaped me. It's not my way of the ninja.


My emotions have been a really wild ride the last few months for a bunch of reasons, including (but not limited to) the break-up of my three year long relationship with one of the best persons that I know (we are still friends) and my days vary between 'just above tolerable' to 'why was I ever born?' There are things that I need to take care of and sort out, but every single conflict feels like exposing my neck to a pack of starved wolves, even though that isn't even remotely close to being the case. I talked to a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago, and found out for sure that I have depression, and also social phobia, which would explain why I'm feeling this way.

(Here, I took a break for dinner, so now I can't blame forgetting about it anymore...)

I am probably blowing many of my problems out of proportion, but it can't be helped, I'm just wired this way. Thinking about a certain one makes it feel like a swarm of butterflies with razor sharp teeth, trying to gnaw their way out of my chest. It's not like it's anything new to me, but I don't remember it being this bad before. Hopefully, I'll be able to do something about them once I gather up enough guts to confront what is causing them. It terrifies me, though. I hate these kinds of things, and in the past I've usually just avoided them.


Anyway, yeah, I am probably this abstracted when I speak as well... Time to upload some photos, I guess...

As I don't write here so much at all, I'm just gonna be posting some of my blog entries from my school blog.
birkabladet.se/Rasmus/
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Alright, here’s my first entry in English.

I’ve already come to terms with that I won’t be updating this blog on a regular basis, so if it still happens somehow, it’s a miracle, and we should praise something, simply just the first thing on your mind at the moment will do. I am currently thinking of potatoes for some reason, so praised be potatoes for this blog post!

Still working on getting my vlog up and running. I think I’ve got all the ideas I need, but I’m still really nervous about it and I question the judgement of the me from the past that came up with the preposterous idea of me expressing myself in anything other than writing. It should be a good experience, though, and I do look forward to the first, probably and hopefully terrible, vlog entry that I’m gonna post here. Hopefully terrible, because if I get it good the first time, it’s gonna be really hard to get better at it. I’m bad at being bad at things, and I hate it.

I’m currently supposed to work on an article for the school newspaper, but I’m writing this instead, might be to let off some steam and write something that I can just come up with on the spot, rather than something that I actually need to put thought behind. I think I’m gonna have this kind of personal tone in my article as well, because I think this is what I do best. I’m doing my best to pour my very being into my sentences and words, in order to create something that flows well, but at the same time makes the reader smile or snort to themselves, thinking “Heh, this isn’t tedious.”

… No, that’s just me. I have no idea how others will react to my written ramblings.

I think I’ve blown off enough steam by now, so here is a picture I made the other day. I opened up my photo editor program and it didn’t support the RAW picture format, so it got small and all pixeled up. A friend of mine then suggested that it it’d be funny to put Mario in there, so I did.

From behind this wall of text and irrational reasoning. Pixel, signing off! 

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I'm gonna upload that picture on dA immediately after I've posted this.

Could have sworn I'd written something about it here, but my computer has been broken for a month or so, probably more, and I got it back today. Hence my month or so of utter inactivity. (Not that I do so much here anyway... xP)

Still pretty stuck, I've got a job for the summer, so I'm gonna strike it rich until school begins in the fall, if I still have a spot there, that is. I've completely forgotten to accept the spot I'd already got, and now it's been... a month or so. (Wow, that seems to show up a lot in this journal...!)

All is as usual, a lot of inspiration, but not the skills, time nor energy to do something about it. Gotta shape up!

Welp, see you in a month or so when I write my next journal. (Hopefully sooner!)

(Who reads these anyway?)

... and I have no idea what to do afterwards! Decisions, decisions... :s

I'm thinking of uploading a whole bunch of photos I've taken during the year that's passed (I did take a media course after all.) I'll most likely just upload the best ones and the funniest ones, since that's probably the best thing to do, really.

It's been a fun year, and I feel like a whole new person... well, maybe... I'm trying to develop as a character in the story of my life, but it's hard when it constantly feels like you're stuck in a rut. I know what I want to do, but there's a giant wall between me and my dreams and it's built out of a material I've never seen or heard of before. This material makes me doubt that I even want what's on the other side, that it's even there. Fascinating, yet sad.

Hey, people, feel free to comment, even if it's just a dot or an Alt+255. Correspondence and conversation never fails to make me happy, and I'd love to brighten up someone else's day as well.

Also, I made a journal entry about commissions a year ago, or so and I'm sorry if I let anyone down. I guess I overestimated my own capabilities back then, I just can't seem to get anything started or done, unless it's completely spontaneous.

I noticed while scrolling down the front page that pictures that I'd already gone through would show up, and after a while it's just the same 5-6 pictures showing up in a random order. Why is this? Does anyone else encounter this oddity as well?