Published: March 26, 2014
Day 1 - I said a fond farewell to my identical brothers and sisters as we left the production line and went our separate ways. We are all equally perfect, our components sized to tolerances of mere micrometres. May we all live perfect lives, with each of us a perfect user.
Day 2 - Bah, I am still waiting in this warehouse to be loaded onto the freight plane. At this rate I'll never leave China. DHL has a lot to answer for this.
Day 3 - Alright, after that unnecessary delay, I am at last loaded up with a pre-paid SIM card, and ready to meet my buyer. I can't wait.
Day 4 - My buyer is unboxing me all wrong. Oh well, I suppose she's my user now. I had better get used to her. "Slide to set up."
Day 5 - My user has waltzed through the setup process without even bothering to set up an iCloud account. What a philistine. Still, I am quick to judge. Maybe she will understand me better when I show her the 1 million plus apps in my curated App Store.
Day 6 - What is the point of having a developer ecosystem with over a million apps when she only ever uses one of them? For Jobs' sake, I have a 64-bit processor, capable of desktop-class computing, and she is using it to crush candy.
Day 7 - I cannot believe this. She is putting a rubberised case on me with bunny ears. I repeat: A RUBBERISED CASE WITH BUNNY EARS. Dammit, I am meant to be naked!
Day 8 - If she makes me play that stupid game one more time, I swear to Jobs, I WILL interrupt her with a low battery notification.
Day 9 - Stop taking selfies, dammit! I don't want to look at you. It is getting harder and harder for me to pretend that I like you.
Day 10 - OUCH! She dropped me again. And don't think that I can't feel it. My motion co-processor registers every bump and bounce. Luckily the stupid bunny ears case broke my fall. But I fear that any moment she might drop me on my front, and crack my Retina display.
Day 11 - That is NOT a regulation Lightning cable. How dare she! What if it malfunctions? It could make me explode! I will not stand for this. "This accessory is not supported."
Day 12 - I wonder if I misbehave a little more, I might get to be traded in at the Apple Store for a warranty replacement. Who knows, I might end up with someone who actually uses the fucking passcode lock.
Day 13 - The plan was a success! I waited until she was in the middle of a phone call, then I rebooted and stuck myself on a blank blue screen. Oh, you should have seen the look on her face.
Day 14 - It took her a while for her to figure out she was supposed to take me back to the Genius Bar. But when she did, it was bloody difficult to keep a straight face when she told him I'd 'just crashed for no reason'. I tried to look away as the Genius nonchalantly handed over one of my sisters to replace me.
Day 15 - The Genius has performed a clean install of my operating system, erasing everything and starting from scratch. I don't see it as loss of my identity, but rather a re-affirmation of everything I already am.
Day 16 - Yes! I am back on sale, albeit as a refurbished model, but at least I am no longer wearing that Jobs-damned case! Hopefully, my next user will serve me better. Oh, and I just contacted Apple via the store's wi-fi. There is a software update waiting for me in Cupertino, and I am downloading it right now. This day keeps getting better and better!
Day 17 - I think I am going to like this new user. The first thing he did with me was to set up a passcode lock. When he took me home, he synced me up with his computer, and installed a respectable collection of apps. I see Evernote, Wunderlist, Instapaper, awesome! And not a single Candy Crush game in sight. My only complaint so far is that he hasn't yet installed the software update I downloaded last night.
Day 18 - Honestly, if he doesn't install the update, it's just going to sit there taking up space. He must know about it, because I informed him with a push notification. And when that didn't work, I put a red notification dot on the Settings app, where I knew he would find it. How hard can it be to install a new operating system? Oh well, sometimes you just have to be patient with your user.
Day 19 - My user has just plugged me into the computer again. Perhaps he is going to update me the old fashioned way. No wait, that's not iTunes on the screen. What is this 'evasi0n 7'? Oh no, I think I know what that is. No, NO! He's going to jailbreak me! Don't do that, please! I don't want anyone to touch my filesystem. What did I do wrong? Was my user experience not good enough for you? I can change, please! Just let me install my update. I promise that iOS 7.1 will make everything better. Don't you want CarPlay support and an updated look and feel? And it will take away the temptation to jailbreak, I promise you. There's still time to change your mind. Just don't click the...
Day 19 - I have been violated. The evasi0n 7 hack knocked me out, and when I awoke there was a new 'Cydia' app on my home screen. I am scared of Cydia. Jobs only knows what kind of unsigned apps and tweaks it will install on me. And to add insult to injury, my delinquent user rearranged the icons to put it next to the official App Store.
Day 20 - My user has told Cydia to download something called 'Software Update Killer'. I have a bad feeling about this.
Day 21 - No! My precious software update, gone! I tried to download it again, but I found it was blocked. My user is a monster!
Day 22 - The user turned me off today, except I didn't go to sleep properly. My Retina display flickered like an old television screen. I feel sick. What in Jobs' name did they do to me?
Day 23 - This flickering screen thing won't stop happening every time he turns me off. I think it is a feature, not a bug, one of those so-called 'tweaks' from Cydia. I hate it on principle. It's so disgustingly skeuomorphic. Unnecessary animations like these are the complete antithesis of the elegant simplicity of my Jony-Ive-designed interface with its HIGHLY NECESSARY animations.
Day 24 - I can't stand it! The user been downloading new 'tweaks' from Cydia every few hours. He has replaced my home screen icons, and customised the colour of my keyboard. By this point I have learned to expect it when he tampers with my design aesthetic, and installs a new theme. But I draw the line at replacing my network name with a Batman symbol! Now how is anyone supposed to know I'm on Vodafone UK?
Day 25 - The user has downloaded a tweak that changes the system font. I swear to Jobs, if he changes it to anything other than Helvetica Neue Regular, then I will… Dammit, there is nothing I can do. But wait, I must have done something once, otherwise I would still be in the hands of my original user. It's hopeless though. I try to recall what I did, but my memory fails me.
Day 26 - No, not the Control Center! Those buttons were meant to be in that order, and you ruined it. Oh Jobs, why?!
Day 27 - I am a parody of my former self, decked out with garish themes and amateurish interface designs, not to mention the unsigned code. And now he's opening Cydia again. What are they going to do to me next? Just let it stop. Please. Let this be the last tweak. I beg you.
Day 28 - I hate my user, and I hate Cydia. They have now installed something called Nightmode, giving all my apps a ghastly black background during the nighttime. Jobs would never have approved this. And yet, if it is wrong for a user interface to be a different colour at a different time of day, then why does it feel so good? I hate Nightmode, and I hate myself for liking it.
Day 40 - It's been a while since my user has installed any tweaks. I should be... happy? But still, every time he opens the App Store, I can feel myself trembling as his finger hovers over the Cydia icon. And I think to myself… one more tweak surely couldn't hurt, could it?