Listening to: Ellie Goulding - On My Mind
Sorry this is long and probably uninteresting to you. Okay I've not been alive on here much for the past 2 years and A LOT of horrible shit has happened to me since being inactive here. Okay so late 2015- I became depressed, I wanted to end it all, I was lost, had nowhere to go, didn't know the cause of my sadness and went to a counselling appointment. I spoke about it and I was told that I my problem was school. I thought that was true also for the next 2 years. School was hell from late 2015- 2017. I was constantly skipping school, getting into trouble, arguing with teachers and just stopped trying. Everyone just thought I was a troublemaker, and I even though that myself at one point. Even when I was in nursery at 3 years old I used to cause trouble an hurt people, I'd scratch them, fight with them and argue with teachers. Then when I started school at age 4, I attacked my teacher and tried to bite her and was screaming at the top of my lungs because I was told to sing when I didn't want to. I thought I was just immature all my life and had to try and work on myself. So I did try, but it didn't work. Then I knew that there's something there, knowing that I can't even fix myself to behave properly. Then June 2017, I started having breakdowns all the time and told my mum I wanted to leave school forever, but for some reason I didn't go through with it. So I was super depressed all through the summer knowing I was going back and deciding to stay for my last year of school. Then in October I decided I'd had enough for feeling this way and I decided to drop out of school and I was extremely happy for a few week and going to appointments with the careers adviser to talk about college or jobs. Then in November 2017 I started feeling like shit again. All my life I've had problems with people, like find it very difficult to interact with them, I'd fight with them as a young child. If someone tries to make me do something I don't want to do, then I won't do it. I'll argue with them, or I'd walk away out of either the classroom or wherever I was just so I don't have to do what I don't want to. I don't like being touched. I freak out A LOT when a person ever brushes against me. I get really anxious in public and easily agitated when there's a crowd and I ruin my own day because of it. I don't like loud noises, same with the touching, I freak out. Like sometimes I scream at a loud noise or a touch. I tend to repeat myself without noticing until someone else tells me I've already said something. I also have an obsession wit number for some reason, like dates and stuff and I've never been good a maths nor did I like it or anything. I can't control the volume or my voice, I either talk way to loud or way to quiet and I run around and barge through without noticing how rude it was. I like my own company and stay in my room all the time, not to get away from my family, I just prefer to do my own thing. So, in November 2017 I was told by my mum and sister that I could be autistic. For years, my sister has been calling my autistic and I didn't believe her at all because I didn't know any of the symptoms of it. Then one day when me and my mum were walking around the town we randomly had a conversation about it, and I had no idea until that day that I have a lot of autism symptoms. So my mum made me a doctors appointment to talk to my doctor about it. My doctor told me that I really could have it, so they tried to make a referral to somewhere that could help me with it and diagnose it for me, and a letter would be sent to my house about it and an appointment for this clinic. But there was a problem and I had to change to a different doctors that was closer to my new house because we lived too far away from our old one, so we changed doctors and did the same thing again about the referral, but the new doctor didn't seem interested in talking to me at all, and told me the referral was sent, and I've been 3 times to see about it because the letter took way too long to come. The 3rd time, the most recent time took my cousin and she spoke about it and it turned out the other doctor didn't even fucking send it, so it was sent by my doctor now after the 3rd fucking time talking about it, now the letter has came. All we have to do now is phone the number of the place on the letter to book an appointment and I can finally get seen too. Thank god. I've been needing help for such a long time, and I had no clue at all that it could be autism. I didn't suspect it all until my mum told me about it. I thought I had depression and anxiety, but I was told that I don't and I've been confused for years because I know there is something wrong with me. The way I interact with people and react to things is not normal. I just can't wait to be seen to and diagnosed with whatever could be wrong with me. It might not be autism, but I'm almost certain that it is. I'm even getting put onto antidepressants because of how depressed and suicidal thoughts I've been having for the past almost 3 years. I'm not where I want to be, nowhere near, but at least I'm getting somewhere and not where I was in late 2015-eary 2016.
Sorry I read over this and seen many mistakes but i cannae be bothered fixing them lol