justspillingcoldtea

While I’d hoped to step away from PPAU cleanly, I understood from the beginning that this wasn’t possible. People have questions, and they deserve answers.

Thank you to those who’ve reached out to me with well-wishes & or just to talk. I’ve also had a couple of people reach out asking for clarification, and I hope this post provides it; thank you for reaching out to me as well.

Again, this is not a drama or callout post. This is a post clarifying my reasons for leaving PPAU, & answering questions that people asked me. I am hosting it on DeviantArt, as this is one of the two platforms PPAU occupies, & works better for long-term storage than Discord’s chat rooms.

Since I left, I’ve been informed that the mods opened up my ticket for public viewing, which I appreciate as a show of transparency. However, the mods have been referring vaguely to the screenshots of my venting in a group DM, & have not released them despite a couple of people asking them to do so.

I understand the privacy issue for those involved, & as such, I reached out to the active members of the group chat for permission to release the vent. I’ve redacted all names & personal information other than mine, as this should reflect my actions, not theirs. Whatever you think of me, they simply supported a friend when they asked for it.

(For full transparency, some things, such as identifiable mannerisms or typing habits, have been edited out at the request of those involved.)

Here is the video of the vent.

There are some questions I can answer, & there are some that I cannot, as some refer to people who have told me they would rather remain private. I ask everyone to respect their wishes.

To answer the questions that I can:

   1: During my time at PPAU, I argued with some people. I hurt them, & while I attempted to ensure that I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes, those people have every right to be upset with me. They have every right to ask the mods to approach me– the issue was not with the mods bringing this up with me.

   The issue was that the moderators should have included that I had made public attempts to fix my mistakes going forward. They spoke as if I’d shown no remorse or guilt for my actions, & seemingly didn’t look into the conversations or participants, as they were surprised to learn that I’d apologized.

   2: I did not approach the mods about my concerns due to prioritizing my mental health. Last year was extremely draining for me, & I just didn’t have the energy to compile my concerns/thoughts. I made a couple of attempts to compile my thoughts but decided just to step away from PPAU quietly.

   However, as you can tell, I didn’t step back quietly. This is because I was approached by friends sharing their concerns or negative experiences with the mods. I was now aware of issues behind closed doors, & decided that, when I left, I wanted to be fully transparent on why.

   3: My main reason for venting was PPAU’s rule on “spreading drama” by sharing negative opinions. The mods said they didn’t want people to speak badly about the events. I, however, had some negative experiences with the two recent events. They started small, but after a year of not being allowed to share them publicly or face repercussions, they’d grown to the point where they were seriously affecting my mental health.

   I contacted a group of friends to speak privately with them about this. As vents do, the conversation got heavy & heated, as I used it to release my pent-up frustrations. I was upset that I couldn’t talk about my experiences, & the concerns I had for myself & my friends.

   This vent was private & I had no intention of bringing this aggressive attitude to the server. The vent was to relieve the stress so that I could approach the situation in a professional & calm manner. In the vent, I did talk about wanting to compile experiences & share them publicly– however, I’d previously stated that I simply did not have the energy to do so.

   I wanted to bring this information forward publicly since, as previously stated, I’d had people tell me about incidents kept behind closed doors. I had no intention of ‘spreading drama’– I simply wanted everything out on the table.

   To be frank, if the mods believed that my speaking publicly about their actions would be ‘spreading drama,’ then we should have a conversation about those actions.

I want to keep my reasons for leaving completely transparent– I want to put everything on the table. Whatever conclusions you come to from this are your own, & I thank everyone who’s gotten this far. Feel free to reach out if I have any further questions I can answer.

EDIT: No. I did not delete the post from the discord chat, that was the mods.


So. To make a long story short– I am leaving PPAU & won’t be rejoining. You’ll be able to find me primarily in Grimsby Grove if you’re looking for a group to hang out with me– I’d love to catch up with some of you there.

You may be asking why I’m posting this on DA.

That’s because, for the past year, the mods have been harassing me & my friends. I am uncomfortable sticking around in a group that does not respect its players– me in particular.

Most of you in PPAU know how I was working on the Death-Trap personal plot. I’m sorry I could never run it or get it off the ground. This is not for lack of trying on my part. While working with the mods, I encountered the constant issue of slow response times & lack of communication. Multiple times, I would ask for assistance in what they wanted me to do, & they would give vague responses & not follow up.

I understand this is an unpaid volunteer position, & they can’t give me all their time.

However, as a couple of people have noticed, they have the time to swoop in to tell me to bring things up with them when I speak of any of my plans in public. They have time to shut me down publicly while stonewalling me in private.

This has been highly demotivating & was part of why I began dropping out of PPAU conversations midway through last year. However, it’s not the only reason, as PPAU became a real issue for my mental health.

To cut to the chase, the mods threatened to cancel DT.

I am autistic & have issues with reading tone, especially over text. This has led to problems in conversations; if people don’t tell me that I’ve upset them, I can’t tell. However, this is a problem I’m aware of, & in the cases where it’s happened, I have apologized & taken full responsibility for my actions.

However, when the mods brought this issue up to me, they did not do so correctly. They approached me with cropped screenshots, leaving out my apologies & taking of responsibility. And I know they didn’t approach those personally affected, as they believed I hadn’t apologized.

I had apologized publically to the server at large & went to those directly affected & apologized privately. I believe that saying sorry in a giant chatroom is performative– forcing the other person to accept it to ‘keep the peace.’ The persons involved did not need to accept my apology; hence, I reached out privately.

The mods did not do basic research into the situation. Either they didn’t look into screenshots handed to them or purposefully cut them themselves; regardless, that is unacceptable for a mod team of any size. And, what they did with this information was to threaten my running of DT.

This threat and disrespect for my time as a player was a genuine drain on my mental health– I was losing the love that I had for PPAU, as the mod team did not have the same love for me. The mod team seemed to dislike my characters. They believed that I wanted Plover to be “the main character,” & this was part of their message threatening to cancel DT. They did not explain what they meant by this.

All of this was enough for me to consider stepping back from PPAU– in fact, I did. For most of 2023, I took time away from PPAU to explore other servers. Eventually, however, I had processed enough to feel comfortable returning. PPAU’s community holds many of my friends, & I didn’t want to leave them behind.

A few people may have noticed me semi-returning to the server in mid-January 2024.

You may have also noticed me quickly leaving again.

Almost immediately after I began returning, the mods messaged me again. A few weeks previous, I vented about my feelings in a group DM. This vent was part of why I returned, as I’d been able to get some of my frustrations off my chest.

This is not a call-out post, so I won’t discuss exactly why I had those feelings about the mods. It’s beyond the scope of this explanation. However, I was uncomfortable discussing things with the mods, given their threatening and mismanaged response to the previous situation and from what I’d learned from friends.

Again, that is beyond the scope of this post, and some of it isn’t my story to share. I will simply say that I didn’t feel comfortable approaching the mods behind closed doors, as they’d stonewalled me/others there before. However, I felt I had no options due to PPAU’s policy of “not spreading drama” or criticizing the server publicly.

But that choice was made for me. Somehow, the mods learned of my venting, & approached me, accusing me of spreading drama by venting my feelings into a closed chat where I’d gotten the consent of those involved to do so.

In effect, I was told I was wrong for sharing any negative experiences, even in private. I was told this was “spreading drama”– telling me that I’d broken the rules, though they said they wouldn’t punish me for it. I was told that I should have come to the mods privately when I have consistently been stonewalled when I’ve done so in the past.

After that, I no longer felt safe in PPAU. I no longer felt safe in a place where the mods were comfortable threatening me behind closed doors.

I love PPAU’s community, but the mod team does not love me.

And I am not safe under their moderation.

To all my friends in PPAU, thank you for three of the best years of my life, and don’t you dare be a stranger. I’m still here to discuss dumb things and hang out with you. Don’t let them hurt you like they hurt me.

I’ll see y’all around.

   (Cover art made by the amazing MinTea-Leaves, used with permission)

   The Ghostlights have gone from a simple Wyld Hunt team to a real crew (despite some lone wolves protests)! As they’re sticking together even after the Hunt, we decided to put together a plot central to keep their stories easy to navigate.

  Please enjoy!

• Eclipse - Owned by MinTea-Leaves

• Grey - Owned by LiteralCryptid 

• Icelos “Icy” Sombers - Owned by MinTea-Leaves

• Muirín “Myr” - Owned by twooost 

• Síofra - Owned by twooost

• Seelie Hollow - Owned by justspillingcoldtea

• Trixie Treet - Owned by LiteralCryptid

Wyld Hunt 2023

   PROLOUGES
  weird autumn, first autumn - Art Piece by twooost

   The Ghostlights stumble across a half-dead traveller on the road to the Cove. Too far to turn back, and at Myr’s urging, they fold the new traveller into their team. 

   WEEK ONE

   Though the Ghostlights try to take their first few days in the Cove easy, Something Else has different plans for them. While adventure changes people, three Ghostlights go into those woods and don’t return the same. 

   State your pledge, and sign the toll. 

• +Ghost Lights+ - Art Piece by MinTea-Leaves

• Hollowed n’ Hallowed - Story Piece

• Selection Interlude: Eclipse, Cosmo, Myr, Seelie

• Aftermath: Vampire Rabies - Art Piece by MinTea-Leaves
  

   WEEK TWO

   After recovering from last week’s… shenanigans, the Ghostlights try getting their sea legs back under them, only to run into a fight where half of them can’t participate, and then get lost in a toxic swamp. Yeah, they’re taking a break after this. 

• Waterlocked - Story Piece

• Swamp Tromp - Story Piece

   WEEK THREE

   The Ghostlights promised break goes shockingly well! Though they have a stumble during an ether draw, they spend the rest of the day playing with the local druidbarks. Hey, maybe things will turn out for them after all!  

• Paw Patrol  - Art Piece

• All Dried Up - Story Piece

   WEEK FOUR

   While the Ghostlights sleep (or contemplate new revelations), smoke fills the air, and they awaken to an ear-piercing wail. Though their quick thinking and power of friendship help them track the Basilisk better than the other teams, fate still has it out for the team. 

   One by one, the Ghostlights succumb to the flames. It’s a fight to the very end– until the curtain finally falls. 

• Who are you but a Shadow? - Story Piece by MinTea-Leaves

• Heart Burn - Story Piece

• Curtain Call - Story Piece

Aftermath

   Cause Most of us are Heaving - Story Piece by LiteralCryptid

   While the Cove has lost everything, Grey realizes maybe he’s gained something along the way.

  Through Corrupted Lungs - Story Piece by LiteralCryptid
  The Ghostlights talk about what they’ll do about the death of the Cove’s tree. Everyone has their reasons and thoughts, but when it comes down to it, Eclipse, Grey, Seelie, & Sí decide to stay at the Cove– but Grey can’t help but ask themself why they made that choice.

  The Warlock(s) In The Room - Story Piece by justspillingcoldtea
  The Ghostlights finally discuss the warlocks in the room, with Seelie single-handedly shattering multiple worldviews. The group decides what to do next… well. Sans Myr. 

The Onslaught

   WAVE ONE - The Hungry 

• GG Onslaught: Round 1 - Art Piece (Eclipse's Bounty).

• Setting Fire to our Insides for Fun - Story Piece (Grey's Bounty).

• Let Them Starve - Story Piece (Seelie's Bounty).

   WAVE TWO - The Spawning Grounds / The Keystone Species

• Gazing Without Stars - Art Piece (Eclipse & Grey's Bounty)

• Heave Ho! - Art Piece (Seelie & Síofra's Bounty)
  

   WAVE THREE - Bloody Mist / Frozen Hubris / Hulking Shadow / Rotten Swamp

• The Final Blow - Art Piece (Eclipse's Bounty)

• Under the Light of the Moon - Art Piece (Grey's Bounty)

• Let Them Bite - Story Piece (Seelie's Bounty)

• Distraction - Art Piece (Síofra's Bounty)

   Interlude: Fairy Ointment - Story Piece by justspillingcoldtea

   In which Seelie (and everyone else in the general vicinity) learns the importance & consequences of self-care. Also, some assassination plans are drawn up for Seelie’s parents.

   WAVE FOUR - Quirked Up White Boy

• Sent Into Orbit - Art Piece (Group Bounty)

• ...He's right behind me, isn't he? - Art Piece (Group Bounty)

   Interlude: The Return - Art Piece by LiteralCryptid

   In which Trixie is the worst person at keeping a secret ever– but some answers may be coming the Ghostlights’ way.

   WAVE FIVE - The Kibbee Queen Election

• Cat Sitting - Art Piece (Eclipse Bounty)

   WAVE SIX - "There's something wrong with the woods..."

• Miss Adventures 1, 2, & 3 - Story Piece (Eclipse Bounty)

• The Offer - Story Piece (Seelie Bounty)

   Magic Class Interlude!

   Eclipse: Shrink/Grow, Primal Energy, Word of Dryads, Purify, Draconic Guise, Polymorph, Shapechange, Flesh to Nature.

   Grey: Shrink/Grow, Primal Energy, Word of Dryads, Purify, Polymorph, Draconic Guise, Shapechange, Flesh to Nature.

   Icy: Shrink/Grow, Primal Energy, Word of Dryads, Purify, Draconic Guise, Polymorph, Shapechange, Flesh to Nature.

   Seelie: Shrink/Grow, Primal Energy, Word of Dryads, Purify, Draconic Guise, Polymorph, Shapechange, Flesh to Nature.

   FINAL WAVE - "THE DISPLACER BEAST"

   DRIVE THE DANGER:

• Come Crucify the Body - Art Piece (Seelie Bounty)

• Scorched Earth - Story Piece (Trixie Bounty)

• Drive the Danger - Art Piece (Icy Bounty)

• Conflagration - Story Piece (Grey Bounty)

   FIGHT THE FIRE:

• Fight the Fire - Art Piece (Icy Bounty)

• Dousing the Flames - Art Piece (Grey Bounty)

• Quick Thinking - Art Piece (Icy Bounty)

• Cleanse the Air - Art Piece (Icy Bounty)

• On the Boulevard Tonight - Art Piece (Seelie Bounty)

• Gonna Hang Like a Scarecrow - Story Piece (Seelie Bounty)

• The Inferno - Story Piece (Min Bounty)

   SLOW THE BURN:

• Slow the Burn - Art Piece (Icy Bounty)

• To the Powerline Poles - Art Piece (Seelie Bounty)

   AFTERMATH...

(Oh boy, be prepared for blights!)

   Wreckage - Art Piece by LiteralCryptid
Solar Eclipsed - Art Piece by MinTea-Leaves

Burn / Snowfall - Art Piece by justspillingcoldtea

Memes (Because They’re Necessary)

• Papa Shade And His Disgruntled Son - MinTea-Leaves (In which Eclipse gets a shirt from his new dad)