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Dan Vs. Whole Seasons Market

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Dan Vs. Whole Seasons Market



-oooooo-



“Oh, COME ON!” Dan screamed at the traffic in front of him. “Is it national every duffus get out and clog the road with their idiocy day?! IT’S NOT EVEN RUSH HOUR.”



Dan sighed and hung his head as he continued the laboriously slow journey in his red hatchback. “Stupid traffic! You’re keeping me from my one joy in life! Television! There is no excuse for this! I don’t care if the Pope’s in town and going on a blessing binge in-between fighting off hordes of the undead…” Dan paused and tapped an index finger against his chin, “No wait… that actually sounds kind of cool…”



Dan continued his slow, irate journey, and continued to ponder the situation, talking only to the open air in front of him, “Still… it’s probably something lame and inconsequential like an Elementary School on fire…” Dan paused again, “Which is stupid because the only school in the area is behind me and already caught fire becomes SCHOOL BUSSES ARE AN EYESORE! A TRAFFIC STALLING EYESORE AND I WILL NOT SUFFER…”



Dan stopped and looked around his empty car. “Right… talking to myself again… stupid Chris having moral quandaries about setting fire to places children congregate. Lousy, jobless, penniless, eating machine… I can’t believe he said ‘no’ to free food. Not like the moron has a wife or girlfriend to keep him afloat.” Dan continued absentmindedly talking to himself, “Oh well… all of Chris’s girlfriends have been horrible without exception.” He chuckled to himself, “Good thing they’ve all left Chris almost immediately.” He frowned, “I could only imagine what kind of desperate, looser would actually consider a steady relationship with Chris… Eesh…” Dan pulled a disgusted face, “Probably 300 pounds, dumber the big lunk himself, and devoid of any useful skills of any sort.”



Dan looked around his car again, “….Aaaaand still talking to myself.” He shook his head, “I really need a pet… or something…” He stared up towards his cars ceiling. “…Are flying lemurs real? That’d be pretty handy,” he mused. “I should drive to San Diego and liberate animals from the zoo… Hmmm… too echo terrorists…”



Dan paused as he noticed the lane he was in had slowed to a crawl, “Oh, what is this bull…” He squinted out the window at a large, green building as cars attempted to pile into the parking lot. “THIS is what everyone is out wasting their time on?!” He glanced up at sign that read ‘Whole Seasons Market’ printed in bold, black in green lettering on the building. “Seriously?! Some new grocery store opens and everyone clogs the streets of Van Nuys to…” Dan paused and rubbed his chin, “Hmmm… well… it is rather close to my apartment complex… and I am running low on almost expired turkey… I guess I could quickly nip in…”



After another twenty impatient minutes of screaming at cars, Dan parked his red hatchback in a compact car spot. He exited his car and locked his door, and made way towards the grocery store.



“HEY!” an irate voice called out. “I WAS GOING TO PARK THERE!”



Dan turned, “GO GET EATEN BY A PACK OF DINGO…” Dan paused as he examined the vehicle of the man who was yelling at him. A large, white SUV. “It’s for COMPACT cars you numskull! How where you going to fit that monstrosity in the spot!”



“It’s just a suggested car size!” The bald man retorted.



“No, seriously,” Dan continued, “even of you wedged that gas guzzler in-between the two cars next to it, how where you planning on getting out?! The Jaws of Life?!”



“ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY WEIGHT?!” The man demanded.



“Uh... I don’t have x-ray vision, so I can’t tell how grotesquely huge you are, but… sure?”



“Oh, THAT is IT!” The man declared, “I’m coming out there!”



“Alright, FINE!” Dan replied. “Come on! Let’s do this!”



“I will!” the man reiterated.



“Well then come on then!”



“I’m totally coming out there!”



“THEN DO IT, ALREADY!” Dan roared.



“Let me just…” the man began breathing laboriously as he reached his arm down, “… huff… puff… get my… get my… seatbelt…”



Dan smacked a palm against his forehead, “Would you hurry it up!” He cried. “Someone else is going to snatch up the good, bad turkey before I even get in there.”



“No… huff… wait… I got it… puff…



Click.



“Alright, now the door…”



“I’m waaaaaaiting!” Dan said impatiently.



“OK…huff… puff… it’s on now…”



The man opened his SUV door and slowly lowered himself out of his car. His flip-flops made contact with the concrete below and he stabilized himself against his vehicle.



Dan simultaneously raised an eyebrow as he lowered the other one. He pulled the side of his lip into a confused frown as he examined the man’s choice of clothing.



The man was wearing blue jeans that strained to contain him, a white, sweat stained t-shirt that read ‘No Fat Chicks!’ in bold print. He was also well above 300 pounds, and his T-shirt gripped his chest, but left his hairy, blubbery belly exposed.



The man continued his labored breathing as he lowered himself and supported his weight by leaning on his own massive thighs.



“Was it… was it your life’s ambition to become some sort of horrible American stereo-type?!” Dan exclaimed.



The man looked up and shot a glare at Dan, “Oh! That’s the… huff… final… final straw… puff… just let me… huff… catch my…puff… catch my breath…”



Dan sighed, “Look buddy, I’m going to go into the store and get some turkey. If you’re still here and want a savage mauling, I’m your huckleberry.” He raised a hand and wiggled his fingers slightly, “Tootles!”



Dan turned and walked towards the grocery store.



“Yeah… just… huff… puff… RUN AWAY!” The man’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he collapsed on the ground, exposing more of his flabby stomach.



HONK! HONK!



HEY LARD BUCKET! MOVE IT!” Someone shouted from their car.



“YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS!?” The weighty man cried from his back as he motioned to himself.



Dan walked up to the grocery store, wearily eyeing it as he did. He walked past an entryway full of a random assortment of bright and colorful flowers that filled the air with a pleasant, sweet odor.



Esh…” Dan said as he looked over the flowers. “It’s like they don’t even want people to shop here.”



He made his way pass the sliding doors revealing a store full of neatly organized shelves; clean, white, linoleum floors, and produce section full of fruits he had never seen before.



“Hello!” A feminine happy, bubbly voice welcomed, “Welcome to Whole Seasons Market! My name is P…”



“Your name is ‘Shut up’ and ‘I don’t care!’” Dan informed the young woman who had greeted him. She stood a good few inches above Dan and had large, sky-blue eyes; curly, pink hair that went down to the middle of her back, and she wore a black vest over a white, short sleeved shirt, a pair of cut-off jean short, rainbow legwarmers, red sneakers, and a random assortment of colorful bracelets.



The young woman tapped a slender, pink nail-polished, index finger against her chin as if seriously considering Dan’s words. “…Wait, but that would mean I had two names! And if I had two names, then which one would I give when I was supposed to say my name?! Would I pick on over the other, or maybe give both?! Would I have to flip-a-coin? I guess I could ask whoever I had to tell me names to which one they preferred, but that would require telling them both names, so that kind of defeats the…”



“Oh, my GOSH! Shut UP!” Dan cried. “You have to be the most obnoxious person I’ve ever met!”



“Oh… sorry… was I talking too much? I get like that some time. I’m just given something to talk about and I can’t help but go on and on and suddenly everyone is ignoring me or irritated and…”



Dan placed his hands over his ears, “JUST SHUT UP! I’M JUST TRYING TO SHOP!”



“Oh right…” The pink haired woman said as she regained her focus. “What can I help you find?”



“If you’d be so kind as to direct me to your finest, almost expired lunch meat, I can go about my business and neither of us will have to talk to each other ever again!” Dan said.



The young woman paused and thought about this, “Well… lunchmeat is down along the refrigerator section of the store, but I don’t think we have any that’s almost expired… I mean… we just opened and we pride ourselves on having only the freshest, organic food available, so…”



Dan paused, “Wait… organic? As opposed to food that’s not made out of organic materials?!”



“Erm… sure?” The woman replied in a confused tone.



Dan sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, “Listen lady, talking to you has been like… a bonanza and a half, but I have Turkey sandwiches to make and consume in front of an episodes of Population Control Johnny, so…”



The woman depleted the space in front of her of oxygen as she inhaled a huge volume of air, “I love Population Control Johnny! What’s your favorite episode?!”



Dan frowned. “The one where Johnny figures out supermarkets are run by complete, talentless morons and goes on a killing spree… er… though I guess I could have omitted the ‘killing spree’ part,” Dan mused. “Kinda a running theme of the show…”



“Classic!” the woman replied. “Remember when Johnny locked the employees in the store freezer, turned it to full, and welded it closed!” She giggled, “Hehehe… ‘Chill out’…”



Dan chuckled, “Hehe… yeah good times… Wait… STOP CONFUSING ME WITH YOUR UNEXPECTED GOOD TASTE IN TELEVISION!” Dan cried, “You’re still obnoxious and I still need meat! Now shut up and point me towards the goods!”



“Oh, uh… okie-dokie-lokie…” the woman replied. She pointed off into the store.



“There, was that so hard?” Dan asked in a condescending tone as he walked towards the back of the store. “Goofball…” he muttered under his breath.



The young lady watched as Dan walked off and shook her head. “Jack-@$S,” she muttered to herself.



Dan made his way to the meat section and frowned, “Alright, no expired meat I get, but why is turkey so expensive.” He glanced at the other items around him. “Wait… why is everything so expensive?!”



Dan paused, “Wait… Organic food? Sky high prices?! Cheerful employees reeking of individuality?!” Dan swallowed, “They’re trying to gentrify the neighborhood!”



Dan balled his hands into fists, threw his arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.



WHOOOOOOOOLE SEEEEASOOOONS MAAAAAARKET!





Dan Vs.



WHOLE SEASONS MARKET



-oooooo-



Chris sighed to himself as he absentmindedly munched on another potato chip as he bathed in the glow of his small television set. His surroundings weren’t much to look at. A brown couch, a plain looking coffee table, and a simple looking cordless phone on top of a plain wooden end table, all surrounded by sparsely covered walls.



Maybe I should have gone with Dan… I mean… setting fire to a school because you hate their busses seems like overkill, but it’s not like I have anything else to do today… And he did promise lunch…



Chris’s stomach growled as he thought about food. He took a potato chip and ate it, but with far less drama and excitement one would normally expect from the act.



Ring! Ring!



Chris smiled and quickly reached for the phone next to him. “Hey, Dan! How’s it going! You get that school?”



“I sure did,” Dan replied from the phone, “despite having to do it on my own!”



“Sorry Dan,” Chris offered, “just… setting fire to a bus garage attached to a school seemed a little uh… evil.”



“Evil?!” Dan protested. “I’m on the side of riotousness here! And, as of such, I have another foe that needs vanquished!”



“I think you mean, righteousness, Dan.”



“Isn’t that what I said?!”



Chris rolled his eyes. “So what’s up? Burgerphile put cheese on your burger again?” he asked.



“No!” Dan paused, “…You only asked that so we could go to Burgerphile, didn’t you?”



“Well… a man can dream…” Chris said with a sheepish smile.



Dan sent an exasperated sigh through the phone. “If you come with me to take out a supermarket, we’ll go through the drive-thru on the way there, alright?”



“YES!” Chris exclaimed before suddenly pausing, “Wait… supermarket? Now I’m conflicted… that’s where food lives…”



“This is overpriced, yuppie food!” Dan stated. “You should see how much turkey meat costs!”



Chris paused, “Well… how much does it cost?”



Dan named a figure.



Chris gasped, “Those monsters! Alright, I’m in… uh… but I’ll need you to buy my lunch…” Chris said weakly.



Dan sighed, “Oh, like that’s a surprise!”



Chris smiled, “Thanks Dan, see you soon?”



“Are you dressed to go out?” Dan asked.



Chris looked down outfit of an unbuttoned short-sleeved, orange shirt over a blue t-shirt, khakis, socks, and sandals. “As dressed as I’m ever going to be,” Chris said into the phone.



“I’ll be right over…”



-oooooo-



“So… you really think stealing coupons from other stores and passing them out is going to take out the market?” Chris asked as he handed a sheet of coupons to another market patron.



“First of all, they’re free,” Dan said indignantly, “so how can we steal them?”



“Well, I don’t think stores put them out so two people can grab a pile of them…” Chris pointed out.



“Oh, come on,” Dan said, “we’re practically advertising for them… also shut up… also second of all, yes.”



“Uh… yes what?” Chris asked



“Yes, I think this will take out the market…” Dan said as he passed out another flier. “And third of all, shut up.”



“You said that already,” Chris pointed out.



“Yeah, but you’re still talking,” Dan retorted.



“Uh… touché… still it seems most people are throwing them in the garbage.” Chris pointed out as he motioned to a garbage can full of the coupons from various stores.



“What? Why?!” Dan asked “But these are full of great deals! Why would anyone want to spend their money here when they can save a dollar on turkey meat…” Dan reexamined the coupon, “Hey, that’s practically almost expired prices! Chris let’s…”



“WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!” A shrill voice called out.



Dan rolled his eyes, “Oh, here comes the fun police.



The young, pink haired employee that had been working the entrance stormed up with a face as red as a fire truck. “FUN POLICE?!” she exclaimed. “I’M LIKE… THE ANTI-FUN POLICE! I’M LIKE… THE FUNNEST PERSON YOU’LL EVER MEET!” she insisted forcefully. She suddenly paused, “… Unless… you like… meet another version of me from an alternative dimension or something…”



“Do you ever get tired of speaking nonsense?” Dan asked the employee.



“No, not really,” the pink haired girl replied earnestly.



Dan knitted his brow and stared at her, “Just asking…”



“Anyway…” the young woman replied, “Uh… where was I?”



“Oh! Alternative version of yourself!” Chris said helpfully.



“Before that, I mean,” the woman said.



“Uhhh…” Chris snapped his finger, “Funnest person Dan will ever meet.”



“Thank you!” she said sweetly to Chris. She turned to Dan, “HOW COULD YOU EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING! YOU… YOU… YOU BIG JERK!”



“Now, now,” Dan tut-tutted, “are you supposed to be here berating costumers?”



Customers!?” the young woman said in a shrill tone. “You’re not even buying anything! You’re trying to sabotage the store!”



“What’s wrong?” Dan asked with a smirk. “You don’t think a little competition can be fun?” He continued as his smile widened and turned wicked.



“WHAT?!... BUT...! YOU… I mean…GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAR!” The woman uttered a frustrated growl and stormed off into the parking lot, shouting angry, incoherent words at the sky.



Chris looked at Dan, “… I think she likes you,” he said with a grin.



Dan made a disgusted sound, “Ulg, yeah right… Like I could ever end up with a person like that…”



Chris chuckled, “No really… angry shouting… saying completely bizarre stuff out of the blue… You two might be soul mates.”



Dan rolled his eyes, “Please, like anyone could find love at a place like this…”



“Oh here you go…” Chris said as he passed a handful of coupons to woman with maroon, shoulder length hair and purple eyes. She wore a white t-shirt with red cuffs, hip hugger jeans, and red sneakers.



“Uh… thanks she said…” the woman looked down at the coupons, “Hey, wait a minute these are for another store.”



“Uh yeah…” Chris said sheepishly, “My friend and I are trying to sabotage this one by pointing out things are cheaper elsewhere…” Oh gosh, that sounds stupid…She’s going to think I’m out of my mind…



To Chris’s great surprise the woman chuckled, “Haha… Tell me about it, my boyfriend insisted we pick up groceries here.” She rolled her eyes, “Only the best for Santa Monica’s top life guard…” She smiled and held out a hand, “Elise.”



Chris smiled and took Elise’s hand into his, giving it a firm shake, “Chris,” he motioned to Dan, “and this is Dan.”



“Chris, are you trying to waste time, or does it just come natural to you?” Dan asked in a mildly irritated tone.



“Uh… he’s a bit… obstinate…” Chris explained.



Elise gave Chris a grin and opened her mouth to speak but was soon cut off.



“Elise!” A masculine voice called out. “Come on! After this we need to hit the gym for a couple hours.”



Chris peered pass Elise to the tan, muscled, blond hair man that had called her. He wore a muscle shirt that read ‘Santa Monica Beach’ and a tight pair of shorts.



“Boyfriend?” Chris asked.



Elise sighed, “Yeah… uh… see you around?”



Chris chuckled, “Sure…”



“Come on! Elise! I feel my muscles getting smaller the more I just stand in place.”



Elise turned and walked into the store, moving her hand in a mocking, mouth flapping motion as she did.



“Well, she was gorgeous…” Chris commented.



Dan cocked an eyebrow at his tall friend.



“Uh… Nice!” Chris corrected. “I meant to say nice…”



Dan shook his head, “Forget about it. Did you see the biceps on that guy? Bigger than your head.”



“Well, sure… but looks aren’t everything…”



“You’re a goofy, pudgy, awkward duffus of a man with a monkey-face,” Dan said, “besides… women like that are nothing but trouble.”



Chris rolled his eyes, “Right, like you know a lot about women.”



“I KNOW PLENTY!” Dan cried. “A woman like that is just as likely to use a guy as a human shield as she is to date him.”



“Oh come on, she wouldn’t do that…”



“You don’t even know the girl,” Dan said.



“Well… neither do you,” Chris replied. Chris chuckled, “Maybe you can catch up with that adorable looking pink haired girl and we could double date.”



Dan cringed, “No way, she may have a perfect hourglass figure and a cute face, but she’s even worse than the woman you were talking to. And believe me, that’s saying something.”



Chris furrowed his brow at Dan, “You know what! I’m going to go in there and talk to her.”



Dan rolled his eyes, “You’ll be lucky if she gives you the time of day!”



“Oh yeah! I’ll bet you lunch that I get her number.”



“Soooo…” Dan said, “…I already buy your lunches because you’re a jobless, hopeless, loser, so on the off chance you win… I loose… nothing?”



“Uh…” Chris hung his head as his shoulders slumped, “…yeah I guess so…”



Dan shook his head, “Just forget about her Chris, you’re already practically useless. I don’t need you mopey on top of it because you got rejected again.”



Chris shot a glare at Dan, “You know what? No! I’m done passing out these stupid coupons and what’s more, I’m going to talk to her!” Chris turned and walked towards the store, “Have fun wasting your time!”



“Wait, buddy!” Dan called. “I don’t want to be passing these out all by myself!”



“Then stop!” Chris called out.



Dan sighed. “Oooh… this is taking too long!” he announced as he threw his stack of coupons into the air. One of the pages with the turkey meat coupon floated by and he snatched it and put it in his pocket. He shot a glare at the store, “There’s gotta be a more direct way, too…”



‘HONK! HONK!’



“MOVE IT!” An irritated driver wearing a red trucker cap said from a white truck that was hauling a small container. “The freaks are getting’ restless!”



Dan glanced out into the road, noticing that traffic seemed to have barely moved since he had parked. He walked up to the irritated driver. “Hello,” Dan said to the irritated driver, “what seems to be the hold up?”



The driver sighed, “Two fat guys got into a fight in the parking lot and suffered heart attacks on the spot. A group of paramedics are now arguing with each other over who has to carry them two blocks to the ambulances. And I’m already running late to get this truck full of freaks to the institution.”



The two paused as the trailer behind the truck began to rock violently back in forth.



The driver sighed and shook his head. “Oh yeah, they’re riled up now,” he mused, “good thing they’re in the container. If they got out they’d probably bee-line for that bright, green building over there and start savagely attacking everyone inside…”



“You don’t say…,” Dan replied. “You know what I’ve always found helpful? Shouting at people to get my way.”



The driver paused, “You know what? You’re right buddy. I’m going to go over to that mass of screaming paramedics and give them a piece of my mind.” He announced as he opened the door and stepped out into the street. He turned back to Dan, “You uh… wouldn’t mind watching the freaks, would ya?”



Dan smiled, “I shall treat them as if they were my own.”



Satisfied, the driver ran off towards the shouting match in the parking lot and began adding his own angry voice to the mix.



Dan peered into the truck cab and smiled as he noticed a handful of glinting keys still in the ignition. “Rookie mistake…” he uttered as he climbed into the cab, snatched the keys and climbed down again. He made his way to the back of the still rocking cargo trailer and hit his fist against the door with a loud ‘BANG!, BANG!’ “SETTLE DOWN IN THERE!” Dan shouted. “I’M ABOUT TO UNLEASH YOU ALL ON AN AMUSEMENT PARK OF OVERPRICED DELIGHTS!”



Dan heard some confused babbling as the trailer stopped rocking. He unlocked a padlock on the back door, grabbed the handle, and swung it open wide as he hid behind the door.



A chorus of nonsense words rang out as the doors opened.



“BRILLING!”



“MIMSY!”



“BOROGOVES!”



A mass of gibbering, malformed, mental patients in blue hospital gowns surged from the truck and bee-lined for the bright, green store.



Dan perked his ears up as the sounds of panicked screams and yelps emerged from the grocery store as the freaks made their way inside. He grinned as the shrieks continued and the sounds of broken glass and heavy items crashing down filled the air.



Dan chuckled, “My work is done…” He suddenly frowned, “Oh wait, Chris is in there… guess I better get my car and rescue the poor lunk.”



HEY!” a voice shrieked out.



Dan turned as two slim, feminine, pink-nail-polished hands reached for his shirt color and slammed him against the side of the truck with a loud ‘THUNK!’. He stared up into a pair of rage filled, sky-blue eyes.



“Uh… this isn’t what it looks like!” Dan in a nervous tone.



The pink haired woman turned her attention to the supermarket that was currently under freak siege. “It looks like you unleashed a group of mental patients to tear up the store!” she said.



“Oh… I guess it’s exactly what it looks like, then,” Dan said with a wicked grin.



The woman lowered her eyelids and focused a death glare at Dan as her lips pulled into an angry sneer. “Okay, first off… shut up!” she commanded. “Second of all, one day you’re going to meet a girl who’s just like me and you’re going to fall so madly in love with her she’ll consume your every thought and then you’ll do all kinds of crazy things just to win her love! You’ll even become a tax paying, productive member of society!” She let go of Dan and began to storm off.



Dan cringed and whistled, “Wow lady, when you curse someone, you don’t pull your punches.”



“JERK!” the woman shouted in return



-oooooo-



Elise stifled a sigh as she trudged through market, tossing a bored eye at the assortment of organic foodstuff and high end sauces that lined a nearby shelf.



“Hmmmm…” her boyfriend hummed. “Flax seeds or chia seeds, baby?” he asked.



Elise cocked an eyebrow at the muscled, tan man. “Brad, aside from providing omega-3s, they don’t… they don’t even do the same thing.”



“Yeah, but… if I get them both I’m wondering if I’m overdoing it on my seed consumption,” Brad replied.



“…That’s not even a thing.”



Brad grinned at Elise, “Tell you what, I can tell this is a little much for you. Why don’t you set in the dining area while I figure this out?”



Elise’s eye twitched and her lip pulled up into an angry sneer, “I just… I have so many degrees, how could you...”



Brad chuckled, “Someone’s making there confused face~!” He sang out.



“UHG!” Elise cried as she stormed off.



“Don’t worry, baby!” Brad called out. “I’ll catch up with you when I’m done! Just look beautiful until then!”



Elise mumbled a number of obscenities under her breath as she made her way to the market’s dining area; A salad bar and a row of other food items sitting behind a glass counter. She sat in a simple, plastic chair that was set in front of a round, glass table. Please God! Just… Can’t I meet someone whose nice for a change and isn’t completely intimidated by me?! Is that so much to ask?!



“Uh… is this seat taken?”



Elise looked up into the smiling unsure face of Chris.



She smiled back. Thank you, God…



“No, go right ahead,” Elise said as she motioned to the seat across from her.



Chris sat down and glanced back into the store. “Trouble in paradise?” he asked as glanced back at Elise. Please say that wasn’t too forward! Please say that wasn’t too forward!



Elise threw her head back and uttered a short, derisive, “Hah!” and looked back at Chris. “Paradise? I’d settle for purgatory at this point.”



Chris grinned, “That bad huh?”



Elise shook her head, “You have no idea… Got tired of passing out coupons?”



Chris chuckled, “It wasn’t resulting in much more than extra garbage.”



Elise smiled, “Sooo, Chris…” she began, “, what’s a handsome fellow like you do for a J-O-B?”



Chris blushed at the word ‘handsome’ but cringed when the question about his employment was brought up.



“ER…actually I’m between jobs,” he said through clenched teeth, “but I am working with a temp agency to fix that…”



Elise just nodded, “The recession, huh?”



Chris breathed a sigh of relief, “Yeah…” He looked back up at Elise, “How about you?”



“Oh me?” Elise said motioning to herself. “My job is kind of… recession proof…”



“Oh…” Chris replied, “and that would be…?”



Elise grinned nervously, “Uh… hey! How about we talk about you so more…”



“Oh, okay…” Chris said. “Uh well… I own a car…”



Elise smiled, “Really? I used to own a car,” she replied.



Chris cocked an eyebrow, “Used to?” he asked.



“Yeah… it kind of… exploded… turns out cars aren’t very rocket propelled grenade proof…”



Chris paused.



Elise did too as her eyes widened and her body tensed up.



Oh crap! Why’d I tell him that! He’s going to think I’m dangerous our insane, or…



“Pfft…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



Elise relaxed again as Chris broke into laughter.



CRASH!



Krrrsshhhh…



Jubjub!



Tumtum!



Chris flinched and looked towards the front of a store where the mass of freaks began to pour out in all directions, assaulting customers and tearing into items on the shelves.



Elise simply sighed and shook her head, “Figures…”



“Dan!” Chris uttered in a slightly accusatory tone.



Elise turned to Chris with a confused expression on her face, “Oh your friend? Do you think he’s in trouble?”



“Huh? Oh…no… I’m sure he’s fine.”



CRASH!



“Which is more than I can say for us,” Chris said, his eyes going wide as the mass of gibbering mental patients made their way to the dining area. He quickly dived under the table, “Quick! Hide!”



Elise stood up and grinned, “It’s okay, I’ll clear a path…”



“But…” Chris’s protest was cut off as one of the malformed men approached. The mental patient outstretched claw like hands as he approached Elise.



Elise faced the right side of her body towards the man, raised her fists defensively around her face and shifted her weight towards her left.



The man shouted nonsense as he pounced towards Elise, “Whiffling!



In a flash of movement, Elise’s right foot was up and connected with the man’s face. The man’s bones made a sickly sounding ‘CRACK!’ as his head jerked back at unnatural angle and he fell to the floor with a loud ‘Thud!



“Elise!” Chris cried as he pointed from under the table, “two more!”



“Tulgey!”



“Galumphing!”



Elise slammed her foot down on the chair she was sitting on and sent it spinning into the air. She quickly nabbed it hurled it at the two approaching freaks. The chair slammed into their bodies and sent them to the floor.



Elise looked back at Chris and smiled. She extended a hand to him. “Come with me if you want to live,” she said with a grin.



Chris’s eyes went wide as he stared up at Elise.



Elise pursed her lips into a frown. Crud, he’s intimidated! Why are guys ALWAYS intimidated when I start beating people up!?



Chris merely continued to stare up at Elise. The world and its supermarkets full of dangerous freaks suddenly felt very distant as he felt a warm feeling consume him. It was if he had just fallen into a deep, warm pool of water that bubbled and surrounded him as he stared at Elise. He could feel himself sink lower and lower into the feeling. He realized that he was in well over his head, and he also knew that he didn’t care.



Chris mustered his wits about him and smiled goofily as he brought forth all his charm. “Can I have your number?” he asked as he grasped Elise’s hand. Nailed it!



Elise chuckled as she brought Chris up to his feet. “I’m sure I can arrange that.”



“Elise!” Brad cried as he rushed up to the maroon haired woman. “The store is overrun with freaks!”



“Yes, Brad, I noticed,” Elise replied calmly. “In fact I took out…”



“Don’t worry Elise, I’ll protect you!” Brad cried



Elise gave an exasperated sigh.



Snicker-snack!” One of the mental patients emerged from behind the counter and launched himself at Elise.



“AHHH!” Brad cried in alarm as he froze in place.



Elise quickly grabbed the muscled man and positioned him in front of her.



“WHY!” Brad cried as the freak descended upon him and wrestled him to the ground.



“Callooh!”



“Callay!”



Two more freaks dove over the counter and descended on Brad. Opening their mouth wide and showing off their crocked, yellow teeth and clawing at him with their jagged nails.



“Elise! Your boyfriend…”



Elise waved dismissively, “He’ll be fine!”



“AHHHHHRRRGHARGGLEAA…” Brad cried as his scream quickly turned into a loud warble.



“That was an ‘I’m okay’, burble, I’m sure…” Elise paused. She reached for Chris’s hand and began leading him to the stores entrance, “Come on, let’s get out of here…”



Chris simple let himself be lead by the attractive woman out into the parking lot where a familiar red hatchback waited them.



“Get in losers,” Dan said through the rolled down window, “we’re going shopping!” he said with a smile as he held up a coupon for turkey meat.



Elise and Chris quickly piled into the backseat as Dan drove off.



“How’d you get your car out?” Chris asked.



Dan chuckled, “some nimrod blocked the entrance with his SUV. There wasn’t anyone in front of me!” Dan suddenly frowned and adjusted his review mirror. “Wait… Who the heck is this?! I didn’t sanction another passanger!”



“Yes you did, Dan,” Chris reminded.



“I did? When?”



“You said, losers, plural.”



Dan frowned, “Oh…”



Elise extended her hand. “Elise,” she said with a smile, “we met earlier, remember?”



“Keep your dirty paws to yourself!” Dan cried as is hands remained on the wheel of the car.



Elise sat back in her seat and looked at Chris who merely shrugged.



“Dan’s not what you’d call a people person…” Chris said.



Elise nodded, “I noticed…” She smiled, “So… in addition to my number, how about I treat you to dinner sometime?”



Chris smiled, “I’d like that… I’d like that a lot…”



“Wait?! Dinner?!” Dan cried. “As in date?!”



Chris chuckled, “That’s right, Dan. And you owe me a lunch…”



Pffft…” Dan said dismissively, “…Whatever… I give you two a week, tops…”



-oooooo-



Clad in a smart tuxedo, Chris smiled wide at Elise. Her long white dress shimmered in the candle light of the Church as it hugged her frame and flowed off her body down to the floor below. But Chris didn’t care about the dress. His only thoughts where for the woman who was wearing it.



“I do,” Chris said softly.



Also dressed in a tuxedo, Dan shot his friend an irritated look. “Oh, COME ON!” he cried from Chris’s side.



The End

© 2014 - 2021 Justice42
Comments26
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FrankRT's avatar
Oh, I just noticed the girl in pink is modelled around Pinkie Pie! I'm surprised I didn't notice that before, actually.
dakingace's avatar
In fact here is a another idea how bout we also meet the rest of the human counter parts of the ponies that are in Dan's unviruse .
Justice42's avatar
Thanks for the comments! I've actually have had ideas similar to what you've mentioned that might make it into my main fic (The Wheel and the Butterfly) at some point. It's just sort of a matter of finding the right time.
dakingace's avatar
woohoo . But rember I am not the only one who wanted this . Their is someone who else post a comment on your  Dan vs whole sale market . On fanfiction.net . Oh yeah can we have this as a bonus chapter. Also can we have Dan and pinkie get married and have a kid at the final chapte?That would be really great. Oh and can I have the lovely but crazy couple guess star  in my fan fic and a little spinoff I have?
Justice42's avatar
As far as a wedding and having a child go, let's just say I have lots of material and plans for how this story will pan out.

You're free to use Dan and Pinkie as you wish in your own stories. I mean, it's not like I have any actual claim over them, but if you want to reference stuff that's happened in my stories, that's fine too.
dakingace's avatar
Ok it is a good idea just that I decide to delete the other two that I mlp Dan vs crossover . But i will make my new story a spinoff were monster high and mlp meet Dan vs . Series. Do you ever think about putting AcDc into you story ? Just a question . And I am talking about the ones like back in black or TNT or highway to hell ? Again just a question.
Justice42's avatar
I have no specific plans to do an ACDC song, but if I do later, it will almost certainly be one of those.
dakingace's avatar
Ok just a q&a that has been bugging me a while.  Which one is your fave by the way?
Justice42's avatar
Probably 'Back in Black', though I'm also a fan of 'Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap'.
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dakingace's avatar
Please responded to comment above or below or where ever it is right now.
dakingace's avatar
I have a idea how about we see pinkie from Dan's unviverse and the one that Dan is dating and can't tell one pinkie from the other. Also there is a comment from this one story who also kinda suget it but my idea is different from the one who said they would like to hear that pinkie say told you so .
TeslaMarcia's avatar
Oh God WHY haven't I read this SOONER?! This is absolute gold!

I... I just... fjhldaskfjhsdkljh;dfkjlhadsfkljadfh;ah :squee:

LOVE! ALL OF MY LOVE!!!
Justice42's avatar
Haha! Love Thanks!
TeslaMarcia's avatar
Lol no problem. :iconchuuplz:
xiahnsaya1004's avatar
i totally love your stories
Justice42's avatar
Thank you very much! :) (Smile) 
StarryOak's avatar
....this felt like a show episode
and considering the show is cancelled...
I declare this canon
pleas make more!
Justice42's avatar
Thanks! Meow :3 

If you're okay with crossovers, I recommend my story "The Wheel and the Butterfly". It almost exclusively takes place in the Dan Vs. and Dan is a main character, of course. It's gigantic (about 350 K worth of story) with plenty of vengeance rampages and property damage!Wink/Razz 

Not that I'm opposed to making more stand alone Dan fics if I can think up material and fit in with all my other ungoing fics...
StarryOak's avatar
What's it crossing over with?
Uh, I have a couple things I can see Dan wanting revenge on...
Justice42's avatar
Thought my avatar would give it away, but My Little Pony. Sweating a little... 

*actually checks your DA page*

Which umm... is probably a huge plus for you.Love 

Pinkie ends up in Dan's universe, hilarity (and total mayhem) ensues.
StarryOak's avatar
Oh, and I just realized that the mental patients thing was a reference to 'The Beach' and that makes it so much more hilarious
Justice42's avatar
StarryOak's avatar
Oh dear lordyloo, I should have seen that coming XD
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