JuneDuck21

I will be very grateful to all of you for your attention. I again apologize for my English, forgive me for this. I really need to speak and I need help. I have absolutely no support in life, except my mother. It will be a little easier for me if you read this and I will be very grateful to you for your attention to me.
I believe that I can trust you and tell you about my big problem. I said that I suffered from a serious form of social phobia from an early age, and also depression and panic attacks. But I also suffer from a borderline personality disorder and this diagnosis is similar to hell. It began to progress after 19 years and in recent years I can not live normally because of this. This is the diagnosis that some people do not understand and consider as complex nature. But this is not so. This is a real disorder, and what I feel in my heart, what fears I feel, look like an endless nightmare. I have frequent crises and nervous breakdowns from this and spoil the life of my family from this. I feel that my mother is very tired with me, that I spoil her life with my frustration, and I feel guilty every day. My self-esteem is often low, so much that I feel like I'm unworthy to live. I often think about suicide, although so far it's only thoughts, but they do not let me live peacefully. My head is bursting with terrible fears about the future, and the fear of loneliness. I consider myself so insignificant that I will never have friends because of this. I do not believe that someday I will find a best friend, I'm afraid to ruin his life. I believe that I am not worthy of people's attention, for I am the worst of all. Actually, self-hatred is my strongest feeling, which I feel almost every day. I do not have support in the face of real people or a friend. I'm convinced that I just do not deserve a good friend. In addition, no one can understand me, no one understands that all feelings with BPD are real. It is difficult for people to understand that one can feel such terrible feelings of grief, tragedy and hopelessness inside thoughts. I'm so sick of thinking that because of my disorders I'm doomed to be alone for life. I think that if I do not need anyone in this world, then I simply do not exist. This is tantamount to the death of the soul.
People around me often hurt me and I hurt myself. It's not bearable. Because of this disease, I am afraid to establish friendly relations. I'm afraid to spoil the life of another person with this disease.
I really want to share this now, because my condition has deteriorated very much lately. I just do not know what to do, where to seek help and support. I just do not want to live. It became very difficult for me to draw, I lost my sense in my hobby and life. I am sure that I am an insignificant artist, that I can not do anything. I'm afraid that I can not draw at some time, I apologize for this. Thanks to your positive feedback on my work, I can feel alive here. So thank you for this and thank you for taking the time to this depressing letter. I just feel that my BPD is getting worse and I'm in complete despair and fear for my life. I feel that I'm all alone with this nightmare.