I'm sorry I haven't been around.
A lot has happened and I think it's time for me to post a longer update.
If you have read my previous updates, you'd know that I haven't been well due to some personal issues.
I still will not reveal what happened because I do not want to start any drama and I still hope everything will eventually be ok, however, it has been taking its toll on me.
As some of you may or may not know, I have been depressed the past month (almost reaching two months since what happened, now) due to that and I have reached rock bottom in my emotions a couple times.
I have only disclosed the details to a few trusted people, but it has been really bad.
I lost a lot of weight, I have been crying most of the time I'm home (especially when I'm alone), staying in bed, with lights off and the blinds closed for long periods of time when I'm home and overall not motivated to do anything. I have also been having some emotional breakdowns from time to time. It gets worse when I remember anything related, even if remotely so.
I'm in a cycle that goes from sad to really depressed to angry to just wanting to sleep as much as I can so I don't have to deal with it, just to have nightmares and wake up again or to have a dream related to it and just wanting to fall asleep again so I can be in that dream instead.
I have been forcing myself to study and work on schoolworks as I was in test weeks (we don't have classes on the final test weeks, only schoolwork deadlines, presentations and tests) and sometimes the stress that comes from everything keeps my mind out of it (being the class representative, I had a lot of stress the past few weeks because of some problems and there's also the whole stress related to group schoolworks and people not doing their part on it). But that has been it.
I tried going out and having fun. I went to a festival that happens in Brazil in the month of June (Festa Junina) that I look forward to every year (as this specific one happens in my former school and is different from the others as it mixes brazilian and german culture) and tried my best to have fun and eat the great food I look forward to eating every year, but at some point I just started feeling increasingly depressed, started crying and wanted to go home.
I tried to go out with friends, but I kept forcing myself to smile and it just hurts a lot. I tried to go back to playing video games online with other friends, but I eventually start feeling depressed and just get out of the voice call and eventually leave the game and go lay down in bed. Some of those friends have asked me about what happened, but talking about it, especially to people that have little info, hurts a lot. And yes, I have been going to therapy, but it isn't helping and sometimes it makes the pain much worse because I keep having to talk about it over and over and over again.
That's why I haven't been posting anything and I haven't been around. I have been trying to work on drawings but I end up not liking what I drew and just throwing it away or overall having a block that keeps me from having any sort of inspiration (also, it's hard for me to draw someone smiling when I can't smile myself). I tried getting some new art supplies because usually the excitement of having something new to play with boosts my mood, but it didn't help either.
I have even considered quitting drawing and deviantart all together, but I'm still trying. I was trying to complete a week from the MerMay drawings to post the whole week together, but perhaps it's better for me to just post the ones I finished (some of them were in May anyway) and just keep posting in order as I manage to push myself to finish them.
For those who have been affected by this (late postings or not having yours posted yet), I will contact you sometime next week. I'll be offering some kind of compensation for the wait, so please keep an eye out for that.
I sincerely don't know what will happen from now on. I'll do my best to finish what I owe people, but I can't say what will happen after that...
That's all for now.
Thanks for reading.
------- Commissions ----------
(For progress bars, refer to Commissions journal)
(For MerMay Commissions, refer to its journal)
3. Prizes for the Nintendo-girls group contest (0/3 done)
------- Art trades ------
- Squiggles casually listening to music
2. Temporarily closed.
------- Collaborations -------
1. Temporarily closed.
------ Others -------
1. Free chibi for GoldLinaric
for completing 10 commissions - detailed sketch done
2. Free chibi for Punisher2006
for completing 10 commissions