Listening to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZID1wdE_k30&list=R
Drinking: Wood Chuck Cider
When i first started writing about this chracter who suffered from panic disorder/ptsd i didnt know what it was really like. So i did a lot of research. like a lot. watched videos, read books all that jazz. well few months later maybe 6months later i move in with a person who is no longer my best friend. Living with her was the most stressful event of my entire life. I had my first and several other panic attacks while i was staying with her. They were awful. I have no idea why they are written in books and romanticized. I literally on many occasions thought i was going to die. I went to the hospital thinking i was dying. I couldn't breathe, my heart was beating so fast then as suddenly regaining normal rythm which freaked me out even more sending me into another cycle of it.
Once i moved out and was in my own place i would still have panic attacks. the first week was awful. It wasnt exactly the i need to goto the hospital kind cuz by then i had gotten a low dose prescription for atavan or something related. I just had this awful dread every night or while i was eating. i couldnt get these thoughts out of my head, i couldnt catch my breath, i had to monitor my heart to make sure it was beating, i couldnt stop i wanted it to stop god stop. remember spending nights curled up in bed moaning and crying in agony while my mind destroyed me.
I thought this is what my character feels. I always wrote myself into my characters and i wonder if there was a reason i gave him this disorder.