Warning: The following jokes came from an joke book from a Pinoy adult radio show in Manila.
So the following joke may contain sexuality, offensive language and many more.... (And some jokes may be in Tagalog.)
1. (Sudden awkward silence during a bad date)
Guy: "What are you thinking?"
Girl: "I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."
2. Stewardess: "Do yo want a drink, sir?" Passenger: 'What are my choices?" Stewardess: "Yes or no."
3. In the express lane at the grocery, which is supposed to be for those with seven items or less, someone lined up carrying more. I pointed to the sign, "7 items or less." She said "I can read." I replied "I know, but can you count?"
4. I was pregnant and rode a carousel with my older kid. Another mom remarked "Bawal ang buntis dito." So I looked at her and replied: "Pero ang pangit pwede?"
1. The only time when bros touch hands is when they do hi-fives, fist bumps, or handshakes.
2. Kapag naka-angkas sa motorbike, keep at least a five-inch distance between the driver's behind and the rider's crotch.
3. Never text a bro: "Why aren't you returning my calls?"
4. When helping a bro fix his tie, do not fix it while he's wearing it.
Questions to Ask During the Q&A Portion of a Filipino Gay Beauty Pageant:
1. Host: "Can you describe your male reproductive organ?"
Contestant: "It's like a dinosaur, it's already extinct."
2. Host: "What is your favorite planet?"
Contestant: "Um...because in Mercury...nakakasigurong gamot ay laging bago!"
Signs That You're a Pinoy Celebrity:
1. Kapag lalaki ka, tapos tumaba ka na, you'll be cast as kontrabida.
'Pag babae ka naman na tumaba na, you'll be cast as the nanay ng bida.
2. If a gay director takes you under his wing and you appear in every single movie or TV shows he directs, no matter how small the role.
3. Pinoy celebs ka kung mas sikat pa sa iyo 'yung talent manager mo. (See: Boy Abunda, Annabelle Rama, Lolit Solis, etc.)
Lost in Translation:
1. HOMICIDE: Pinatay sa bahay
2. PIGHATI: Half baboy
3. CD ROM: Tingnan mo ang kwarto
4. PENISLAND: Isla ng Panulat
Lousiest Lies You've Ever Told
1. Teacher: "Nasaan ang homework mo?"
Student: "Na holdap po ako."
Teacher: "Ha?!! Anong nakuha sa 'yo?
Student: "Sabi po nung mga holdaper, 'Ibigay niyo mga homework niyo!"
2. (Me, in fifth grade) Me: "Teacher, si Karl nagmumura!"
Karl: "#@$% sinungaling ka!"
1. Green Arrow: Natanggap sa Ateneo
2. Spider-man: 'Pag pinalitan 'yung pabango niya ng Baygon.
3. Mystique: Napagkakamalang si Smurfette.
The Hulk: Napagkakamalang si Shrek.
Thor: Napagkakamalang tomboy.
4. The Thing: Laging matigas ang ulo.
Human Torch: Laging mainit ng ulo.
1. My tipsy friend was asked by his crush "Sige nga, kung hinid ka pa lasing, 1+1?" My friend sheepishly replied: "143."
2. Our friend kept denying that she was drunk: "I'm not drunk! You'll know if I'm drunk when I start speaking English!"
3. My friend went home and was banging on the front door: "Hoy! Buksan ninyo and pinto! Kanina pa 'ko nandito!!!" Finally his neighbor shouted from next door: "Kuya, ikaw lang mag-isa and nakatira diyan!"
1. "I am not drunk. You are merely witnessing sobriety that hasn't returned yet."
2. Me: "Dude, where's my car? Please call my driver, I want to go home!" Friend: "Wala kang driver, at lalong wala kang car!"
Signs You've Been Faked:
1. Todo spray siya ng Victoria's Secret perfume niya, pero amoy lamay ng patay naman.
2. At a bazaar, signage reads: "Havaianas fro sale - CORRECT SPELLING!"
3. Kapag 'yung binenta sa 'yong iPhone 5, may antenna.
4. Your friend says she just came from a vacation in Italy and she gives you pasalubong, a bag that says: "Gucci And Gabanna."
Genius Maid Quotes:
1. Kid: "Yaya, nasaan si mama?" Yaya: "She's somewhere between 238 degrees NE latitude and 73 degrees SW longitude. In layman's terms: Just by the table."
2. "Sir, is this achromic, adhesive liquid that I discovered on your tightie-whities what I think it is?"
Jokes to Bring to a Bar:
1. Pedro: "What's you password?"
Pedro: "Why is it so long?"
Juan: "Duh! It says it should have six characters!"
TO BE CONTINUE........